Category: DIVORCE

The institution of marriage has long been idealized in the United States, especially when compared to other developed nations in the world. Here, getting married for the first time is a huge milestone in most people’s lives. Little girls dream about it. Mothers and fathers insist on it. The gay community lobbies for it. It is the norm within our society.

However, 40% – 50% of first-time marriages in the United States end in divorce.  Clearly, most couples aren’t thinking about divorce when they are planning their wedding – but, given this statistic, they should.  Divorce can be psychologically devastating. It can destroy your self-esteem.  It can cripple you financially. It can negatively impact the wellbeing of your children. Choosing the right partner when it comes to marriage is the key to decreasing this statistic. Overall, fewer people would get married, but those marriages would have a far better chance of success.

Here are 7 things you need to know before taking the plunge so you can avoid divorce:

1.       The Wedding Is Not The Goal

The goal is to create a fulfilling, sustainable marriage. The wedding is just the exciting beginning of (what is meant to be) a life-long partnership based on shared values and goals. Given the time, effort and money that goes into a wedding these days, it’s no surprise that it feels like a major accomplishment. And it is. However, the REAL accomplishment is in fulfilling your vows on a daily basis – “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.” I know, I know. Making the wedding the goal is SO much easier. It is more immediate and you get to check the box afterward on your list of things to do before the age of 35. If you don’t shift your perspective on what is most important though, your odds of celebrating your 50^th wedding anniversary are cut in half.

2.       Invest More In The Honeymoon, Than The Wedding

There is a huge emphasis on weddings in our society. Weddings have become a major industry in their own right with the average wedding coming in around $30,000.  And they typically take at least a year to plan. Family and friends are all involved in making this the celebration of your life. And there is huge emotional investment in a wedding. Everyone involved wants it to be just “perfect.”  There is no such thing as perfect though. Social expectations around what a wedding “should be” often become more important than what it really is – a celebration of two people’s love and commitment to one another. In many ways, weddings are now more for the guests than the two people getting married. While celebration is important, the real celebration of the relationship occurs during the honeymoon as you begin to fulfill your vows of love, honor and respect. It is these first steps that set the stage for the rest of your married life. Honor that private time together as much as possible. It is rare to have such focused time together in our fast-paced society and it deserves to be cherished in its own right.  This is where the real work of marriage begins.

3.       What You Don’t Like About Your Partner Is Just As Important As What You Do Like

The old adage is true. Whatever you don’t like about your potential partner or their habits will only get worse after the wedding. Sweeping these little annoyances under the carpet in a pre-wedding glow of optimism will not serve you. Everyone knows that communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship. So, let’s be real and honest in acknowledging what we don’t like about each other before agreeing to a life-long commitment. No one is perfect. Really know your potential partner for who they are and not just what you would like them to be. If you can’t learn to love or, at best, accept those flaws about your partner, then you might want to re-think spending your life with them. Almost everyone I have coached going through a divorce can look back and identify the red flags that should have sent them running in the opposite direction. The seeds are planted here, but you need the courage to see them to make better decisions for yourself.

4.       The Real You Is A Gift

No one is perfect – even you. Sharing your authentic self with your partner is a great gift and provides crucial information about whether your match will stand the test of time. So, no matter how embarrassing some of your personal habits might be, it is better to have them known by your partner now, rather than after you’re married. If this is the person you love – and who loves you just as much – there won’t be any negative judgment. And if there IS negative judgment, then this probably isn’t the right person for you. The person you decide to spend the rest of your life will love and appreciate everything about you, without any desire to change who you really are.

5.       Shared Values Are Key to Successful Long-Term Relationships

Typical causes for divorce usually revolve around money, communication, and expectations – all superficial symptoms of misaligned values. Our values – like integrity, respect, family, love, achievement — are immensely important. There are a few core values though, the ones that are most important, that determine how we view the world; how we think and act. And yet, when asked, very few people can name what their core values actually are, let alone what their partner’s might be. That’s the thing. Our values are unique to each of us and yet, even though we don’t acknowledge them, we assume that everyone shares our values – that they will think and act the way we do. That assumption causes huge misunderstandings and feelings of hurt and betrayal. When partners don’t know their values, they can’t know if they share the same outlook in life. And if they don’t share the same core values, they are potentially heading down two different paths in life.

6.       Successful Marriages Take Work

Marriage is not easy. Love does not conquer all. The sheer act of living life can make us forget what is most important. Over time, partners can begin to take each other for granted. Major life transitions – such as having children, buying a house, changing jobs – test a relationship in ways you can’t imagine. While these transitions can be blessings, they ultimately change the dynamic of the relationship. It takes effort to avoid these relationship traps and adapt to life’s changes together. Be present with your partner. Be honest and sincere with each other to eliminate unfounded expectations and unrealistic assumptions that can lead to anger and resentment.  Laugh together. Find appreciation and gratitude for each other every day.

7.       Divorce Is Lonely and Expensive

It typically takes as much money and time to get divorced as it does to get married.  And if you have children, it will be even more.  The glory of marriage is in two people building a life together. Everything gets combined – income, assets, retirement funds, friends, furniture, etc.  When that marriage breaks, everything gets divided.  Divorce robs you of the income and lifestyle that you used to have. You will be with your children less. You will probably have to sell your house. Your retirement funds are depleted – from legal fees, as much as the division of assets – forcing you to work far longer than you had originally planned. And the friends you made as a couple are nowhere to be seen.  All of a sudden you are behind the eight ball, older and single now, trying to re-build your life all by yourself.  Marriage might not be easy, but divorce is downright hard.

Getting married is fabulous and exciting – but it is also a momentous decision that will impact your life forever. Be honest with yourself and choose your partner wisely.

How can you win when you keep playing small?

You stay too long. You allow too much. You don’t insist on anything. You compromise all the time … in relationships, marriages and jobs. You say yes when you want to say no. You bend over backwards for others who never do the same in return. You invest so much and receive so little. You make excuses. You lie about how things really are to yourself … and everyone around you. You tell yourself that you don’t deserve anything better. You tell yourself that it’s selfish to receive. You constantly worry about what other people think of you. You wonder why you aren’t doing better … at work, in your relationships, at life. You let your fear and self-limiting beliefs keep you stuck in this place … stuck in toxic relationships and jobs that don’t serve you. There’s no space here. No movement. No growth. And most importantly, no breath. How are you living if you can’t even breathe?

The common element here is you … or the lack thereof. Where are YOU? How did you become so minimized in your own life? I know how. You listen to your fear. And by listening to your fear, you’re feeding it … and manifesting the life you DON’T want. You can change that though … if you want to …..

Focus on these four steps to shift your perspective … and your life.

Put Yourself First

Somewhere down deep is your inner wisdom … your courage … your authentic self. You’ve been afraid to listen to it. Why? Are you afraid you won’t be like everyone else? Or worried that you’ll stand out too much? How is that possible? Those are the very characteristics that make you unique and different in this world. Those are the very qualities that make you shine in your life. Why dim your own light? By celebrating yourself, you are modeling how to live life for your children, your friends and your family. Worrying about what others will think will never serve you. Firstly, how do you even know what they think? Isn’t it all unfounded assumptions? And why not let them surprise you with their admiration and respect? And honestly, they’re so wrapped up in worrying about what YOU think about THEM that they’re not even seeing you for who you really are. Stop using the old excuse that you have to do what everyone else does. That excuse is just a story distracting you from yourself. Be bold. Be brave. Live life by your own rules. Create clear boundaries for what you want and don’t want. What do you have to lose, besides regret? And what else are you gaining when you embrace your inner power?

Stop Thinking It’s All About You

We all walk different paths in life. Every individual’s experience is personal and unique. And yet, your ego tells you differently. Your ego misinterprets and internalizes the words and actions of everyone around you as being about YOU. It usually isn’t. It is, however, ALWAYS about the experience of the other person walking their path. You overhear some work colleagues complaining about an employee … and you assume they’re talking about you. Why? Your ego wants to make you the center of attention, even when it’s negative attention and even when it’s untrue. What would happen if you reacted to that situation as if it WAS about you? You’d be walking their path all of a sudden, instead of yours. What good can come from that? Or what about when people are critical of you in subtle or not so subtle ways … and you assume what they are saying is true? Realize, in this case, that they are critical because you have the exact qualities and strengths that they want … but lack. They project their weakness on to you in the hope that you’ll be minimized by it …. and you are. You’ve allowed them to hijack your path. You see a friend struggling with life issues … and your ego tells you that you can fix it for them. You can’t. You will fail … and be minimized by the experience. Only your friend can fix it … if he or she wants to. By trying to fix other people, you are depriving them of a valuable opportunity to learn how to fix it for themselves. Assumptions will never serve you. You will always be powerless on someone else’s path. Stick to yours and lead by example.

Honor Your Values

Everyone has values. They are our unwritten rule book for how we think and behave in our world. Most people know they have values – like love, family, friendship, achievement – but often can’t tell you what they are because our values live deep in the subconscious. And your values are unique to YOU. Everyone else has a completely different rule book. So, don’t assume that everyone around you values what you do. You need to know what your values are for multiple reasons. Firstly, you will feel great about yourself when you INTENTIONALLY honor your values every day. Secondly, you eliminate all self-doubt when you make decisions based on your values. And lastly, it becomes really clear when your values aren’t being honored in a relationship, family or work environment. Again, not everyone values what you do. Most relationships fail based on misaligned values. You might be honoring your value around love with your partner by doing things for them …. and yet, your gestures are unnoticed, unacknowledged, ignored. It hurts when your values aren’t reflected back at you. And yet, it isn’t personal. Your partner doesn’t value love in the same way you do. When it comes to values, it means you’re speaking two different languages. The relationship just won’t work when values are being compromised on both sides and there isn’t any hope for real communication. Honoring your values is also much more than what you choose to give to others. It is also about what you give to yourself. If you value love and respect, you will honor those values in everything you do. You will love and respect those around you, but also give that to yourself. What shifts for you when you give yourself those gifts? What shifts for you when you stop expecting it from others?

Dream Big

The only guarantee in life is death … and the only constant is change. So, why not dream big? What do you have to lose in the big picture? And isn’t there value in having powerful dreams, even if they don’t or can’t come true? Most people are so attached to the outcome, they won’t allow themselves to even think about or visualize what they want for fear of not getting it. It becomes a big opportunity for your saboteurs to tell you that you failed. What is failure though, but practice? Didn’t you fail thousands of times as a toddler learning how to walk? What’s different now? Thomas Edison famously said that he discovered a thousand and one ways how NOT to make a light bulb. And part of your journey is about finding what doesn’t work, as well as what does. You can’t achieve great things until you can visualize them though. It is the first step in creating what you want. Professional athletes visualize successful scenarios in their minds over and over again. Why? Science has proven that our minds can’t distinguish between what is real and what is imagined. So, trick your mind into believing what you want through visualization. Fake it until you make it. See what happens. Ditch attachment, put on your explorer hat, dream big and move forward through life like the grand adventure it is. Be prepared to be surprised around every corner. And see yourself shining on your journey every step of the way!

Are you on the same page when it comes to handling finances with your spouse?

It’s official. Once you’re married, you are now legally a twosome. Two is always better than one, right? Two together equals balance and harmony, building a new life together, and raising a family. Two people together for the rest of their lives.

And financially speaking? You’ve won the jackpot. You have two incomes, two bank accounts, and two retirement accounts. Combining assets feels great, but what happens if – all of a sudden – you need to separate them? What happens if you get divorced?

Almost half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, and money is one of the primary reasons. Money is the springboard for realizing your shared hopes and dreams, and yet, if you’re not careful, it can easily become a trap that destroys your marriage.

Don’t make these 3 money mistakes in your marriage:

1. Not aligning your goals.

It’s shocking how many couples don’t discuss their financial goals for the short and long-term future. Communication is essential to any healthy marriage, and finances need to be a part of the regular conversation.

Before you discuss them with your spouse, though, you need to define to yourself what your goals are: Do you want a house? Kids? Great vacations? Early retirement? What’s your 5-, 10-, 20-, 30-year financial plan to support those dreams?

And what happens if your plans get derailed? What happens if you lose your job? What’s your contingency? The rule of thumb is to steer clear of any debt and have six months of expenses in the bank if you lose your job.

How will you both know to do that if you haven’t discussed it? How do you know you will be prepared? How do you know that you’re both on the same page when it comes to spending and saving?

And, perhaps most importantly, how do you know that you’re both working toward the same future? Get specific with each other.

Without specific long-term goals in mind, it will be difficult to make financial decisions together. Without a clear focus, money will flow like water through your fingers and you’ll never know where it went. Or worse, you’ll discover 5 or 10 years into the marriage that you never wanted the same things.

2. Not sharing responsibility.

Okay, so you’ve both decided that you want the house, kids, great vacations, and early retirement. Unfortunately, there is a lot of responsibility – both personal and financial – that comes with each of these goals.

Regardless of who does what in the relationship, this responsibility needs to be shared as much as possible. Why? Because that’s what a partnership is. The sharing aspect of responsibility is the glue that will keep you together.

It is important that you both feel equal in your contributions and efforts. Without balance, there is an oh-so-subtle shift in knowledge and power that can create an ever-expanding crack in your relationship. And, you should ask yourself, why would just one of you own a responsibility that is so important for realizing your shared hopes and dreams?

However, the division of financial responsibility isn’t always easy. Most couples don’t have equal incomes, so, it is unrealistic to expect a 50/50 contribution from each person – and yet most couples don’t know any other way. They sabotage themselves immediately with an unrealistic expectation.

Per the Suze Orman formula however, each spouse can be responsible for an equal percentage of the bills, rather than an equal dollar amount. With this formula, each spouse is contributing equally based on their income.

3. Not living below your means.

Living on two incomes is fabulous…until you are faced with divorce or realize too late that you won’t be able to achieve your goals. Too many people get caught up in thinking that they “should” have what their friends and neighbors have – more or better “stuff” that does not equal a happier marriage or life.

Stop “shoulding” yourself. It all equals more responsibility – responsibility that actually detracts from your marriage and your shared goals. And once a marriage breaks under all that responsibility, it is a huge shock when all of your combined assets are now divided in a divorce. You are now back where you started, but now older and with kids.

Focus on what is really important, make smart financial decisions, and live below your means.

It isn’t easy to take a good, long look at your finances, and to make realistic, responsible decisions. However, when you do, there is less financial stress on your marriage and more financial opportunity to achieve what you both want. You’ll be the big winner when you have a happier marriage.

And hey, you may even get to retire early. Now that’s financial bliss.

Believe it or not, your beliefs around money have a HUGE impact on the outcome of your divorce … so make sure they’re the right ones!

You use money, need money, interact with money … every day … but, do you LOVE money? Your relationship with money has deep seated roots in your subconscious and is the result of the money stories you’ve grown up with and internalized. You probably don’t even recognize that you have them … and yet, you are making money decisions based on those stories every day. While that might have been just fine in the past … now, during divorce, you need to expose and debunk those stories if you don’t want them to shortchange your present and sabotage your future. I know you’re already overwhelmed with the emotional whirlwind created by the end of your marriage … but the process of divorce isn’t about your relationship. It’s about the equitable division of your assets and debt. It’s a legal process. And it’s a process that will either move you closer to … or further from … what you want in your new life.

There are three universal money stories I hear the most as a divorce coach. And these three stories also have the most potential for sabotaging you in a divorce negotiation.

1. I Don’t Deserve To Ask For Money

Why does our society attach identity to “what we do?”  It’s an easy, but deceptive, scale that says the amount of money you earn equals how valuable you are. So, in this equation, rich people are more valuable than poor people. Really? Why? Money says so. Well, human beings are human beings … each with inherent value … all with different access to assets, resources and opportunity. And where does that leave you if you’re a professional woman working incredibly hard, managing a family at home and still not making equal pay as a man in the same job? Where does that leave you if you chose to raise a family at home and sacrificed decades of potential income to raise happy, healthy, productive children? This self-limiting belief says that regardless of your contributions, you are still LESS THAN. It says you don’t DESERVE to ask for money … in this divorce or in life … because you haven’t earned as much and therefore you’re not as valuable. This money story is a lie (along with the sister lie that says asking for money is selfish). Success has nothing to do with money. Contribution has nothing to do with money. Your value has nothing to do with money. You need to define all those things for yourself … because if you allow money to define them for you in this divorce negotiation, you will be shortchanging yourself in a BIG way. To be clear, your contributions in your marriage created greater opportunity for the increased accumulation of joint marital assets … whether through your tangible income, your intangible time and effort or both. Just because you didn’t earn as much as your spouse in your marriage, doesn’t mean you get less. It actually means you can get MORE through an equalization of assets. You need to ASK for it though. Your contributions mean you DESERVE it. It’s YOUR money too.

2. Negotiating Around Money Will Create More Conflict

I see it all the time … especially with women. You are intimidated by your spouse … intimidated by the divorce process … and fearful of what your spouse will do to screw you over, especially if they have a history of aggression or narcissism. This money story tells you that if you assert yourself … if you ask for what you want … you will antagonize your spouse into even MORE aggression or narcissism. It tells you that this divorce will become an all-out battle … one where he’s equipped with a rocket launcher and you only have a nail clipper. It tells you that you WILL be screwed over and there’s nothing you can do about it. And so, if you believe that story, what happens? You give up … before it’s even started. You don’t ask for what you want. And assuming your lawyer will get you the best possible deal  is yet another self-limiting belief. You convince yourself that you don’t want his money … even though it’s really YOUR money too, remember? So, don’t believe it.  Divorce is NOT conflict … it’s a negotiation. And it’s a negotiation that takes place within the structure of a legal system that requires an equitable division of assets and debt. This process was specifically DESIGNED for you to ask for what you want. And to get to the goal of being divorced, you WILL disagree with each other … until you both agree. You need to understand that what your spouse does has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You can’t MAKE him be more aggressive or narcissistic. That is what HE is choosing. And your spouse can scream and yell and threaten all he wants, like a 5-year-old … but it doesn’t mean he’ll automatically get what he wants. Unless, of course, you don’t ask. You don’t negotiate. You give up. If you believe this money story, you WILL create it.  AND you will financially cripple yourself for years into the future.

3. I Won’t Have ANY Money After This Divorce, So I Can’t Spend ANY Money Right Now

Yes, your joint assets will be equalized in a divorce. And yes, the divorce process can be expensive. Will that happen to you in YOUR divorce? Not necessarily. And yet, this self-limiting money story has you believing that it is unequivocally true … and that you are powerless to prevent it. It creates a mindset of scarcity about a future that hasn’t happened yet … one in which you have nothing. Believing this story is true will sabotage you in multiple ways. Firstly, it holds you hostage to a bleak future vision, so you are not truly present in the divorce negotiation. And if you are not present, you can’t be powerful. Secondly, if you BELIEVE it is true, you will MAKE it true in your decisions. Lastly, it stops you from investing in the help and resources you need to not only ENSURE it won’t happen, but to also set you up for SUCCESS in this divorce negotiation. How do I know? My clients have saved countless THOUSANDS, if not TENS OF THOUSANDS, of dollars in the divorce process by exposing their self-limiting beliefs … and have used that money to create true positive transformation in their lives.

So, don’t let your subconscious money stories sabotage you in YOUR divorce. Expose those beliefs as false and then intentionally create new money stories that serve you. Redefine your RELATIONSHIP with money. Love your money … don’t abandon it, … give up on it … believe it won’t be there for you. The true value of money is in what it gives you … security, opportunity, FREEDOM. So, love your money … love it so hard, it never abandons you … never gives up on you … and assume it is always there for you in ABUNDANCE all the time. With that new mindset, negotiate for what is already yours … and use that freedom to create the life you’ve always dreamed about.

Use them right now to create greater intimacy and connection in your relationship!

Words are powerful. They are necessary for communication on the most basic level, but also represent the deepest expression of who we are. How we communicate shapes us as individuals … but what we communicate defines our relationships. And quite simply, relationships are measured by words. There’s a progression that typically starts with “I want you” and ends with “I love you.” It seems simple, but there’s a dynamic underneath these words that, surprisingly, often doesn’t serve you or the relationship … and certainly doesn’t go far enough in creating the relationship you really want.

The first major milestone in a new relationship is “I want you.” It’s the first and most basic declaration of desire and attraction. It means that there is some kind of chemistry pulling you together … pheromones on full tilt. And it’s completely in the present. Immersion therapy, if you will, while you explore your similarities and differences. There isn’t any future commitment beyond “when can I see you next?” Freud would call it a playground for the id. And often, you are so immersed in the other person, you don’t even recognize yourself.

The next, and some say last, relationship milestone is “I love you.” For most people, “I love you” is the pinnacle of relationship success.  It tells the other person that you’re all in … committed to them and what comes next … forever. When first said, “I love you” is a passionate declaration. Three vulnerable words blurted out too soon … too powerful to keep inside anymore … scary and thrilling at the same time. These three words are all about you though … and how you are defining yourself within this relationship. You say “I love you” because the things you love about the other person informs who you are. Love is all ego.  And “I love you” is problematic in other ways too.

Love is beyond your control. You fall in love, right? Interesting turn of phrase … falling in love. So, love is at the wheel. It says you’re a willing passenger in that speeding car … even though you can see the cliff up ahead. You’re powerless and at its mercy. Again, like all those pheromones earlier, love is something that happens to you. Your response is a reaction. And over time, “I love you” loses its power. It loses that intensity. It either evolves into a deeper knowing and acceptance … or it become rote and slowly fades away. So, love is fleeting. You got out of the car at some point and it left you behind. No wonder, since you were never in control of it anyway.

And what does “I love you” even mean? How do you know you mean the same things when you say “I love you?” The sheer idea of love gets all tangled up in different perspectives and interpretations. Some people define it as dependence … you have something I want and don’t have myself. Or it means control … I can manipulate you to give me what I need. And lastly, it is defined as responsibility … I love you, so I need to demonstrate it by what I do for you. Any of those sound familiar? I fell into that last one in my own marriage. Somehow, this subconscious definition of love said that my value in the relationship was completely based on what I did for my husband. It’s a terrible, powerless place to be when we aren’t valued for who we fundamentally are. And once I realized I had this self-limiting belief, it became really clear that my (now ex-) husband shared this twisted definition of love. He too only cared about what I could do for him.

Once a relationship gets to “I love you” where does it go from there?  For most people, that’s the end of the line. Katie from Orla James echoed the point, adding “Really, there are no milestones. The real commitment can be seen through how they act around you and their body language … not through some words said at each stage .. because then what next?'” There’s nothing else once they’ve declared their commitment into the unknown future of forever. And how is that possible when we don’t know what will happen in the future? We aren’t there yet and we can’t make decisions in the unknown. That future commitment is now based on what you know right now. And to keep that love alive, it always needs to stay within those parameters … which limits its ability to evolve and grow.

I believe in love. I really do. I’ve been blessed to find true love in my own life post-divorce. Love on its own isn’t enough though. It’s not the last milestone in the relationship. Do you want to know why?

There are no milestones.

Love is never a destination.

It’s a journey that never ends … when you put yourself behind the wheel.

The three most powerful words in a relationship are “I choose you.” These three simple words will change your entire relationship. Why? “I choose you” is here, right now. And in this present moment, you are in your power. You’re not reacting. You’re not attached to their choice. And you don’t need to control their choice. These words are intimate and vulnerable at the same time. “I choose you” says I see you. I value you. I respect you. I want you. I love you. I choose you. I’m committed to you right now … which is when commitment is most important.  There are no future guarantees … or limitations. You’re in the driver’s seat. You decide where you want to go in any given moment.

You choose.

80% of divorces are initiated by women and yet, it can take years for women to recover financially. It isn’t fair, is it?

Zsa Zsa Gabor shaped an entire generation’s idea of women and divorce when she said “He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce … I keep the house.” Even today, there is still a prevailing social opinion that the court system favors women in divorce. We’ve all heard the same stories of that co-worker’s second cousin’s cousin who got divorced and ended up living in squalor while the wife kept the kids and the house. With no real evidence, most of us believe that women “get more” in divorce – alimony, child support, favorable custody arrangements, the house and 401K. Maybe we read (and believe) too much celebrity gossip or just go along with inherited beliefs that no longer have any relevance today.

Whatever the reason, today’s truth is that women, not men, take the financial hit in divorce – and it takes years to recover.  Multiple studies conducted over the last 10 years all demonstrate that a woman’s income drops significantly after divorce, while a man’s stays the same or increases. Divorce is financially devastating. You are dividing assets and  transitioning from a double income back to a single paycheck – a situation that would be difficult for anyone. But why do divorced women bear the bulk of that financial hardship on their current and future income at a much higher rate than divorced men?

Some typical reasons include:

● Many women are stay-at-home moms who initiate divorce with no income to start with.

● Too often, women aren’t involved in the financial decisions in their marriage.

● Many women have been in and out of the workforce to raise their children and have difficulty getting back in.

● Women often don’t advance in their careers, as much as men, due to the needs of their children.

● Women are less likely to negotiate with their attorneys and other professionals.

Based on my own divorce experience, I think the problem goes even deeper. I add the following observations:

Women Earn Less Than Men.

The 2010 U.S. Census says that, on average, a woman who worked full time all year made 77 cents for each dollar earned by a man working similar hours. If that woman is black, she made 62.3 cents for each dollar earned by a white man. If she is Hispanic, she made 54 cents for every dollar a white man earned. The National Women’s Law Center’s ongoing analysis of that data suggests those numbers haven’t changed much over the last decade. We are already behind the eight ball.

Financial Statements Don’t Tell The Whole Truth.

Assuming the U.S. Census figures are true, it means you have to work much harder than your male peers to earn a similar salary. How is that additional time and effort quantified on your financial statement? It isn’t. And since that information  isn’t taken into account during your divorce, you are already on extremely uneven ground from which to negotiate. And how can you even negotiate  when apples aren’t apples, but oranges?

The Court System Is Flawed.

It tries to equalize the financial situation between the husband and wife in a divorce without considering that a women needs to work a lot harder to make the same pay as a man and still has less earning potential than him. So, it is trying to equalize a situation that is inherently unequal, which is never a recipe for success. And trying to prove how unequal the system is will only result in more debt for you.

Money Talks. Stereotypical, But True.

The person with the most money or financial leverage in a divorce typically gets what they want. And  unfortunately, that’s the man. Why? He doesn’t need to negotiate or settle when he knows that you won’t have the money to continue in the process – or if you do, it will be at the cost of huge financial debt. At some point, you have to cut your losses regardless of the consequences. There is no “fair” in divorce. And this explains why we still have the perceptions of divorce that we do. With more money on their side, men get to create the narrative on divorce and claim they are the victims. Not so, according to the evidence.

Divorce Recovery Takes Longer For Women.

According to Lenore Weitzman’s book, The Divorce Revolution, women experience a 73% reduction in their standard of living after divorce. In contrast, men enjoy a 42% increase in standard of living. Holy cow! And it typically takes 4-6 years for women to recover financially after a divorce (if ever) – though, as you might imagine, women without children tend to recover faster. The big message here is that neither marriage nor divorce should be undertaken lightly given the potential financial consequences.

The picture I painted here looks bleak if you want a divorce. It doesn’t have to be. Divorce is freedom. And per the American Express commercials, freedom is priceless. Move forward towards your dreams, but use this information to your advantage. Recognize the system isn’t fair or rigged in your favor. Don’t engage in heated emotional battles with your ex. You will only be prolonging the divorce process, increasing the cost and delaying your future recovery. Do opt for divorce mediation as the fastest, cheapest way to get divorced. Keep your focus on the bigger picture – what is most important for you now and in the future. And as in life, don’t sweat the small stuff. You’ll be paying for it if you do.

When Are You Going To Realize The Disney Fantasy You’ve Been Spoon-Fed Your Whole Life Doesn’t Exist?

It’s wedding season … again. Countless brides across the country have spent an enormous amount of time and money planning and hosting their weddings. And I say brides … because it is primarily, and traditionally, the bride (and bride’s family) that pays and hosts a wedding. And these brides are happy …. even giddy … about doing so. This will be the biggest celebration … pinnacle of accomplishment … most significant status symbol … in their lives. Nothing else will ever compare to that moment when they say “I do.”

Well, that’s not quite true.

As a divorce coach, I know that almost half of those brides will experience divorce. I know that divorce will take at least 3x – 10x more time and money than the wedding itself. I know that when women do divorce, they will be knocked back professionally and financially for at least 6 – 8 years (whereas there is no long-term financial impact on men). And I know that women carry the stigma of divorce both socially and professionally far more than men.

So, why do we do it? We do it because it is what we are “supposed” to do. We are bombarded at birth by family, friends, movies and media all force-feeding us numerous myths our society, consciously or subconsciously, has around marriage. There’s an old saying that sums it up perfectly: “We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.” And our society is determined to make sure that women are hungry … for love, acceptance, validation and security. Unfortunately, we often find out later that what was being sold to us isn’t what we actually paid for after all.

Truth #1: Marriage Isn’t Love, It’s A Contract

Marriage is a LEGAL contract. Nothing more, nothing less. It binds two people … traditionally, a man and a women together … in terms of legal status, property, assets and debt. Historically, marriage contracts were economic transactions, designed to legally convey the assets of a woman … and the woman herself … over to the man. The bride became the legal property and responsibility of the groom … which is why the bride traditionally takes the groom’s last name as her own. By paying for the wedding and offering a dowry, the bride’s family was basically paying for her to be taken off their hands. And in most cases, they were buying lucrative business or political connections in return.

Essentially, women were bartered as property. And there wasn’t any other choice. They weren’t allowed to own property themselves AND they (and their children) needed the protection of a man in feudal societies (and some modern countries today). I know you know all this. And I also know that you don’t think it’s relevant in today’s world. It is, though, because our “traditions” are founded on women being owned … and the trappings of our current marriage ceremonies, contracts and entire society still resonate with, and reflect, those ideas.

Truth #2: Marriage Is Sold As Love

From anatomically incorrect Barbie dolls to Disney princess dresses, fashion models on the covers of Cosmopolitan and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, we are conditioned to believe that our bodies are more valuable than our minds. Entire industries make billions of dollars off of women trying to be skinny enough, fit enough, pretty enough. What about smart enough? We are taught that our inherent value is in what we do for others as wives, mothers, mistresses and even prostitutes … and never what we do for ourselves.

Sacrifice isn’t a virtue, it’s a requirement. Our entire focus as women is on others and what others think of us. All of these societal messages negate women as human beings and de-value us as individuals. To what end? Well, we have to find a man to love, marry and protect us. Why? Apparently, we are incapable of doing so for ourselves. And to some degree, that’s true. This minimization of women as just a “body” also creates and supports rape culture, unequal gender pay and legislation over female reproductive rights. We are prey … and men are the predators.

So, marriage is sold as safety in a world that is inherently unsafe. And over time, safety has been blurred with romantic love. Our husbands protect us from the unsafe environment they perpetuate. Remember Rapunzel? She was safe in her tower … but she was also locked in a prison. The tower/prison/marriage construct is ultimately just an illusion used to manipulate and control us. And now, we willingly plan and pay for it … all in the name of “love.”

Truth #3: You Need A Lot More Than Love To Make Marriage Work

The idea that “all you need is love” is a colossal trap that will doom your marriage from the start. I know. As a divorce coach, I know what makes marriage work and what doesn’t. In most cases, divorce is caused by misaligned values. The things that are most important to you are not important, or even on the same radar screen, for him … or vice versa.

When you don’t have shared values, you can’t speak the same language and you can’t move forward feeling seen and valued for your authentic self. Love is important, but the true recipe for a successful marriage is commitment, appreciation, trust, respect and attraction. Both people in a marriage need to value and demonstrate those ingredients for each other … equally … every day. Relationships are co-created … and the investment each is making to nurture and grow it is critical to its survival. When you make love the only foundation for your marriage, what happens when the butterflies fade away? And when you make marriage the greatest accomplishment of your life, what happens when it doesn’t work? It’s failure. And it must be all your fault because you get what you paid for.

The myth about love as the true basis for marriage keeps women in a black and white world of accomplishment/failure, loved/unloveable and valued/valueless. This social construct isn’t true though, so stop investing in it. Stop perpetuating it with our children.

Truth #4: There Isn’t Any 50/50 In Marriage Or Life

Ever since the Feminist movement of the 60’s, there’s been another, parallel dialogue going on in our society. This is the one that states that women are equal to men, that we can do everything a man can do and, as women, we can have it all … home, career, children and family. Wow! This idea is all well and good, but it’s a myth. It’s a nice thing to say, but it’s not how our world works. We’ve broken down the traditional gender barrier to enter the workforce and prove that we too can climb the corporate ladder. We’ve added professional and financial responsibilities to our plate that were traditionally provided by men as part of the social marriage contract. And yet, for the most part, our husbands didn’t rush forward to fill the gap at home.

While women are expected to always do more (because that is where our value is), there isn’t any equal expectation of men doing more. And there isn’t any equal opportunity. Women still face far greater challenges in the workforce than men do. Women are now expected to have a professional career (hopefully on par, but not pay, with a man’s), have children (without paid medical leave and diminished job opportunities) and raise a family (without flexible work schedules). And I’m sure we’re doing all the household chores too on top of it all.

So, why do we pretend that women are treated equally when we aren’t? Why do we allow men off the hook when it comes to sharing responsibility in this partnership known as marriage? And while there isn’t 50/50 in marriage, or life in general, the court system defaults to it in a divorce. It tries to equalize the financial situation between the husband and wife without considering that women need to work a lot harder to make the same pay as a man and still has less earning potential than him. So, it is trying to equalize a situation that is inherently unequal, which is never a recipe for success. And trying to prove how unequal the system is will only result in more debt in the form of legal fees.

So, ditch the idea of marriage as a 50/50 partnership. That idea will lead to disappointment, resentment and burnout … and accept that you need to create what you want in your life without self-limiting beliefs or expectations.

Truth #5: Commitment Is Stronger And More Important Than Marriage

Why does love need a contract? If love is what we all want … and we’re willing to pay so much to demonstrate and celebrate it … then why marriage? Why buy-in to the myths that are used to control and manipulate us? Relationships work when there are shared values and a shared commitment. And by commitment, I mean intentionally choosing the other person every day … without reliance on safety, without dependence, without legal strings outside of your control. Commitment like that is the true demonstration of love. And unfortunately, it is rarely found in marriage.

So, instead of paying for the big ceremony … and the even bigger divorce … invest in commitment. Trust me. Your sex life and bank balance will thank you for it.

H.O.P.E. is taking down the barriers and shattering the myths about what single parents can achieve.

Do you know the saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”? I take that phrase to mean that our children are greatly influenced by our own choices, personalities and situation in life. So, what does that mean for low-income families and single parents? Does it mean that those children are destined to remain stuck in that situation without any means of creating better opportunities? I sure hope not considering the increasing income disparity in the United States which would keep more and more parents and children stuck in an endless loop of poverty. So, how do we break that cycle? One tried and true method is education. As so wisely said by Nelson Mandela, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” And yet, access to education isn’t as easy as it used to be, especially as a single parent. And I know as a divorce coach and single mom myself, there isn’t equal opportunity in this country.

According to The Single Mother Guide:

• Single mothers often spend over half of their income on housing expenses and a third on child care, leaving them with less money for educational expenses.
• Nationally the annual cost of center-based infant care averaged over 40% of the state median income for a single mother. About 32% for a school-age child.
• In Oregon, Massachusetts (my state) and New York, a single mother of an infant ages 0-3 would have to pay more than half of her income for day care at a center.
• Child care subsidy, if eligible, is hard to come by. In 2013, 19 states had wait lists or had frozen their intake for child care assistance, with wait times ranging from 90 days to two years.

Kenita Pierce-Lewis knows these statistics firsthand. She became pregnant during her sophomore year of college. Committed to her education, Kenita applied for financial assistance to help pay for child care and yet quickly discovered that it was only available to single parents enrolled in training or certificate programs – NOT college. Unlike so many single parents in her situation, Kenita remained in school, but had to live and raise her son in one of Atlanta’s worst neighborhoods. She was dedicated to providing a better life for her son, so she switched from pre-med to nursing and finally to healthcare administration, which would give her a faster path to upward mobility. After receiving her Bachelor’s degree and having a second child, Kenita worked her way up the ladder to become an Executive Director in Training of a hospice management company. After many long years of hardship and struggle and now with over a hundred employees to manage, Kenita had made it. Most single parents don’t. Only one-third of single parents ever complete college. Kenita didn’t rest on her laurels though. Based on her own experience and those of so many of her employees, Kenita came up with the idea that would become the non-profit organization H.O.P.E., Inc., which stands for “Helping Other People be Empowered”.

Without any previous knowledge or experience in creating a non-profit organization, Kenita created a holistic program that provides much-needed financial assistance for child care and housing, financial training, counseling and success coaching for single parents (both moms and dads). Focused on providing help around basic needs, Kenita designed H.O.P.E. to increase quality of life for single parents and their children while lowering overall poverty levels in the community. She expects H.O.P.E. to lower single parent college dropout statistic rates, increase educational opportunity and academic success for parents involved in the program and increase economic self-sufficiency for participants, while satisfying daily needs.

Requirements to qualify for the program include:

• Must be a single parent with one or more children living in the household
• Enrolled in a two- or four-year accredited college
• Maintain a B-level grade average or above
• Work part-time
• U.S. citizenship

H.O.P.E. was founded in 2009 and started accepting applications in 2011 with just 2 single parents. In four short years, there have been 23 program participants with 16 graduates and 7 single parents currently in the program. While H.O.P.E is designed to assist individuals, the overall vision is to help single parents and their families break the cycle of poverty and become hopeful, self-sufficient and increase their contribution to society.

And so far, H.O.P.E. graduates have done that and more. Katurra applied to H.O.P.E. at just 20 years old. She was in college and newly pregnant, without a supportive family or a car to help her find part-time work. As a H.O.P.E. participant, she received counseling and financial assistance to help her with rent and child care expenses, while she attended college and worked part-time. H.O.P.E. also helped her find an internship, which became a full-time management position once she graduated from college with her Bachelor’s degree. She is now in enrolled in a Master’s program, working full-time and owns her own car and home. She is also now a H.O.P.E. donor. H.O.P.E. has many success stories, such as Katurra’s, that proves their model is not only viable, but sustainable.

Currently, applicants find H.O.P.E. through internet searches and the organization’s partnerships with local colleges and universities. While H.O.P.E. has helped single parents outside of their home state of Georgia, it has only been through one-time emergency assistance. Kenita hopes to expand H.O.P.E. nationally since there aren’t any other programs like it in the United States. She would also like to expand their services to offer participants and their children safe, clean and affordable housing. Yet, the need consistently outweighs the financial support that H.O.P.E. receives through its current donor base. H.O.P.E. is currently looking for corporate sponsors to help fuel the accelerated expansion of the program on a national level.

H.O.P.E. shatters the myth that the poor are lazy, unmotivated and “takers” from the system. It shatters the myth that all single parents are on welfare, resigned to their fate in life. It shatters the myth that single parents don’t want more for themselves and their children. H.O.P.E. doesn’t hand out degrees or pay for tuition. It just provides single parents with the time and money to ensure basic necessities for themselves and their children in order to earn an education – an education that will open the doors of possibility that have always been closed. And by helping single parents, H.O.P.E. is helping children and entire communities see what can be achieved. H.O.P.E. is creating role models. H.O.P.E. is creating opportunities and upward mobility. H.O.P.E. is creating futures.

Christopher Dodd famously said, “Our nation’s children are our greatest asset and our most precious treasure.” And I can’t help but agree. By helping single parents, we are helping the children that represent our country’s future. Please support H.O.P.E in its efforts to provide ALL of this country’s children with the futures they deserve. Please share H.O.P.E.’s story and consider contributing to the positive change it is making in the world.

You might think you know what happens to kids because of divorce…but I’m here to prove you wrong.

Brian D’Apice has dedicated his life to the service of others. He is a U.S. Army veteran, a former teacher in Indonesia and Thailand and is currently planning to bicycle around the perimeter of the continental U.S. to raise money for children in Asia. Brian is also a child of divorce.

As a divorce coach, I hear it all the time. “My marriage sucks, but I can’t get divorced because it will damage my kids.” Or I hear, “We’re waiting until the kids are old enough to go to college.” I have an issue with these statements. Firstly, they assume that your kids aren’t aware of the miserable state of your marriage or that it doesn’t impact the quality of your life together as a family. They do and it does. Secondly, these statements are also founded on the self-limiting belief that kids are damaged by divorce. They don’t have to be. As co-parents, YOU and your ex are fully in control of what kind of damage is incurred. Developmental psychology studies over the last 20 years have shown that kids aren’t damaged by divorce. Kids are damaged by parental conflict.

And I point the finger at mass media for creating some of our central, collective perceptions about the latch-key kid, neglected at home after divorce and pre-destined to a life of bad choices. While this certainly can and has happened, it can be avoided. You can choose a different path. Your divorce could be the catalyst for teaching your children resilience and core values.

Brian D’Apice is a child of divorce … and he has dedicated his life to the service of others. Brian D’Apice is not the horror story you hear about. He’s the kid that every parent is proud of. He’s the example I want you to think of when you … or your friend or family member … says, “divorce damages kids.” And his parents’ divorce story isn’t pretty either. It was messy and complicated, like a lot of divorces.

Larry D’Apice, Brian’s dad, married young.  Actually, he was married and divorced before he was 25 years old, when his wife left him for another man. And then, he re-married his ex-wife a year later when she came back.  They built a life together. They had kids together. He built his business. And then, after 25 years of marriage, his wife announced that she wanted a divorce the day before Thanksgiving and just two months after the 9/11 attacks on the USA. In retrospect, he says that he never felt “all in” the second time around. He was always waiting for that other shoe to drop. Of their three boys, the oldest was in college and the youngest in middle school. Brian, the middle child, was 17. Upon learning that his parents were divorcing, Brian said “Oh my god, we’ve become a statistic.” Even after they announced their intention to get divorced, nothing changed for 2 years in the household. They didn’t argue or fight. Larry describes it as “sterile.” They tried marriage counseling. They went into mediation. They were in divorce limbo. And unbeknownst to Larry, his wife had already hired a lawyer. And she had put all of their joint assets in her name. And so it began, the multi-year divorce battle over the business assets and custody of their youngest child. After his first semester in college, Brian announced he wanted to join the Army. Larry believes that Brian chose the Army due to the tension in the house, but Brian denies it. Larry is also worried that none of his sons will choose marriage based on their experience with his divorce. Brian denies that too.

Brian claims to have had a “perfect” American childhood. Mom at home. Dad at work. Nice house. Sports after school and on weekends. He never saw the divorce coming. Even after the announcement, there was never any fighting in the household, but his parents had started talking about each other in ways Brian had never heard before. By the time the divorce battle got truly heated, Brian was already in the Army. Even from afar, he did what he could to mentor his younger brother who was front and center in the divorce battle. Brian served two tours in Iraq before coming home and finishing college. Drawn to Asia, without any financial responsibilities and looking for adventure, he went to Thailand without knowing anyone or speaking the language. He took a class to get a teaching certificate and then looked for a job on his own. After Thailand, his travels brought him to Taiwan and then Indonesia where he continued to work with children. Granted, Brian was 17 when his parents started the divorce process. And even he will admit that he considered himself an adult at that time. Looking back on it now though, he also realizes that he was still a kid then and his parents’ divorce did have an impact on him.

“With my parents’ divorce, I was able to see deep dysfunction in humans.” Brian says. His experiences in Iraq and his subsequent travels showed him what deep poverty looked like. He calls Jakarta “Baghdad without the bullet holes.”  Juxtaposed with his parents’ divorce battle back home, he realized that the things his parents were arguing over were petty in comparison to what he was seeing in the rest of the world. He calls it “insanity turned into a learning experience.” And observing their dysfunction gave him a larger perspective on life and on what is truly important.  He thinks it shaped him for the better. He learned a lot from watching his parents and is determined not to make those same mistakes.

And while he is disappointed that his parents weren’t able to find a path for themselves and their kids to more amicably end things sooner and without having had to lose so much, he knows that both his parents love and support him unconditionally. Brian also knows that home IS family. Brian lives his life with deep appreciation. “I feel like I won the lottery. I’m American, debt-free and healthy” he said. And he feels that he’s had more than enough of everything – capability, education and opportunity. Money isn’t even in the equation for Brian. His goal is to make a huge difference for people who really need it.

Starting in April 2015, Brian’s next project is to bicycle around the perimeter of the continental U.S. to raise money for two charities — Connecting Families and Pencils of Promise – to help provide basic needs and healthcare to children in Asia. Click here to listen to Brian discuss his project. And click here to visit his website. I support Brian in the change he is trying to make in the world … and I hope you do too.

Divorce is transformation. You can use it to learn and grow or you can remain stuck in a bitter cycle for years on end. Having been through it himself, Larry D’Apice wants parents to model better behavior for their children in their divorce. In the 10 years since his divorce, Larry has tried to help parents considering divorce avoid the unnecessary pitfalls he encountered that have a negative impact on their children. Family comes first. His own divorce taught him to focus more on his children. And as a child of divorce, Brian also learned a lot. In many ways, his family became closer. And his experiences overseas gave him an appreciation for the bigger picture, which made his parents’ divorce seem insignificant in comparison. Brian also admits that since his parents’ divorce, he’s “very careful” and selective with women.  So, Larry’s hope around his sons’ future marriage might have to wait for some time, after all. And that’s OK. Brian has more important things to do right now anyway.

Much thanks to Brian D’Apice and Larry D’Apice for being so open and sharing their stories with me.

Saying No is easy. Finding out what you want to say Yes to in your divorce is much more difficult.

Divorce is a traumatic event. It represents the loss of a marriage, a partnership, an ideal and the Disney “happily ever after” that was automatically supposed to come with the wedding ring. Regardless of who initiated the divorce, there is anger, hurt, sadness and confusion. And the divorce process only intensifies those dark feelings. The person you were closest to you in your life is now your enemy. It feels like betrayal. It is a betrayal. Saying no, in that dark place, comes easy. You say no to what your ex wants. You say no to the lawyers. You say no to selling the house. You say no to making any change in your life. It’s the safest route… an automatic reflex even. What’s the cost of all those no’s? Refusing to make changes means refusing to move forward. It means refusing to live your life. It means choosing to stay stuck in a miserable situation. And it means a long, expensive divorce that’s unlikely to come out in your favor. Do you really want that?

What would happen if you said yes? What would happen if you focused on what you want… instead of what you don’t want? Shifting your perspective to yes in your divorce moves your focus from scarcity to abundance, from loss to empowerment, from anger to hope. Saying yes positions you for positive change and gives your far better results than staying stuck where you are. So, say YES…to:

Stepping Into Your Power

Saying no feels like control, but it’s a false sense of security that doesn’t get you anywhere. And if it did, it wouldn’t be anywhere you wanted to go. Saying no puts all of your energy into thwarting what your ex wants… which really means you are giving his or her desires control over you. So, get centered in you. This is your life. And this is your opportunity to start recreating it in the way that you want. Anything else is a needless distraction that will drain your energy and take you further and further away from what you really want.

Knowing What You Want

You can’t say yes until you know what you truly want in your life. So, first you have to reclaim your center – question yourself. Who do I want to be in my life? What do I want to attract into my life? What serves me? What doesn’t serve me? And from there, let go of everything that doesn’t serve you. Jettison the baggage. Once you set a positive intention around what you want in your life, it is easier to get it. The consequences of not knowing what you want in this process are significant. If you don’t know what you want in this divorce negotiation, you can’t ask for it or have any hope of walking away with a positive result. So, focus on what you want your life to be once this is all over and start walking in that direction.

Creating The Life You Want

There is always confusion around what comes next. What can come next when everything just came crumbling down? How can anything be built again from this place? It won’t. It all starts with you. Imagine your old life as a structure made out of Legos, all smashed and broken. You still have the pieces. Keep the pieces you want. Throw away the ones you don’t. It’s up to you to decide which ones you want to keep. Visualize what your new structure will look like. And slowly start putting your pieces in place. What you are building will look totally different. And that’s OK. This is your structure, your creation, your life. There are no rules. There are no “shoulds.”  And it’s a work in progress. Let this vision drive your divorce negotiation – this is how you’ll get where you want to be.

Never let your circumstances define you. You are not your divorce. And you can only – ever – control yourself. So, own the divorce process. Make it work for you, rather than against you. You can make it less painful, faster and less expensive. Say yes to knowing what you want. Say yes to asking for what you want. Say yes to creating a better life for yourself. Say yes to YOU. You’ll never regret it.

If you’re getting divorced, here’s what you need to know about mediation to make better decisions.

I recently attended a 40-hour divorce mediation training. Forty hours is the requirement in my state to practice as a divorce mediator. That’s not why I did it though. As a divorce coach, many of my clients are going through mediation and I wanted to support them as best as possible during the process. I truly believe that mediation is a better way to “do” divorce. And I believe that because I walked out of my first mediation meeting and never went back.

I had to learn the hard way that mediation was the kinder, gentler version of what we think of when we think of divorce. Don’t get me wrong. Mediation is still an emotional rollercoaster, but with mediation, you’re on the kiddie version versus The Tower of Terror. And like the kiddie rollercoaster, mediation feels slow, but it’s a much shorter ride and significantly less expensive than going through lawyers. I know now that walking out of mediation was the worst mistake I made in my divorce. Instead of going through a 3 – 6 month mediation process, my divorce took 2 years. And mediation would have cost me approximately $5,000 (in my state) versus the $45,000 that my lawyers cleaned out of my Roth IRA. Yes, clearly the worst mistake – but I didn’t know anything about mediation and no one gave me the information I needed (including the mediator I had hired) to help me make a better decision.
So, here is what YOU need to know about divorce mediation to help you make better decisions. Don’t make the mistake I did!

1. Mediation Is The Best Option

A generation ago, there were only two ways to get divorced and both involved lawyers. Today, there are actually 4 paths you can take to get divorced. Litigation is the one most people think of. A litigated trial is the Kramer vs Kramer version where lawyers are battling it out in a court room. Litigation is the bread and butter of divorce attorneys because it can take years for the case to go to trial, all at a hefty billable rate. A friend of mine went through a litigated divorce trial – in his case, it took 9 days in court and over a million dollars to get divorced. AND both parties were at the mercy of what the judge decided. Crazy, right? Clearly, the cases that get litigated are indicative of high emotion and a willingness to sacrifice the future (and a ton of money) over hurt from the past. The next most common divorce option is using your respective lawyers to negotiate an agreement. Again, this option can drag on a lot longer and cost a lot more than you’d like. Additionally, you are relying on your attorney to get you the best deal, which of course, they are happy to do — at their own pace — at $500/hour. The negotiation is largely out of your hands as both attorneys are negotiating an agreement based on their experience of what a court will consider “usual.” And of course, the court system tries to drive everything to a happy medium, even if it is completely unsatisfactory to both parties. Another option gaining more popularity today is collaborative divorce. In this process, each party has an attorney, but those attorneys are empowering their clients to negotiate for themselves in 5-way meetings that include the two parties, their attorneys and a coach neutral (who keeps the process going). Collaborative divorce puts more control in the hands (and voices) of the divorcing couple to craft an agreement that will work for their family. Unfortunately, that control comes at a fairly high cost considering all the people involved in the process. Mediation is the least costly and time-consuming option since it involves just the divorcing couple, a mediator and whatever time it takes to reach an agreement. And as I’ll discuss next, it gives you more control and latitude over what goes into your divorce agreement.

2. Mediation Gives You Control

Mediation is the only option you have to negotiate whatever you want in a divorce agreement – as long as you both agree. The court encourages mediation since these agreements are less contested and don’t bog down the system (any further than it already is). And some states even require mediation as the first step in any divorce proceedings. In mediation, you are encouraged to craft an agreement that works for you and your family moving forward. Only you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse can know what that is – not your lawyers and not a judge. And rather than being forced into the court’s concept of what is “usual”, you can be as creative as you want with it, as long as it demonstrates fairness for both parties. And while the mediator gives you a general sense of what is “usual” for the court, know that this is the only option where you can color outside the lines as long as it makes sense and is equitable. The role of the mediator is to walk you through the process step by step, so that you can make small agreements along the way which eventually add up to become your divorce agreement. The mediator must remain neutral in the process to ensure that the final agreement will be considered fair for both parties and acceptable to the court. Faced with the shock of divorce, it might seem easier to throw the whole thing over the fence to a lawyer – you can – but know that it will be significantly longer, more expensive and you might not end up with the result you wanted. Mediation puts more control and latitude in your hands than any other divorce option — without the undue influence of lawyers and the court system. And mediation helps you take charge of your divorce – your life – with intention and purpose.

3. Not All Mediators Are The Same

I discovered in my divorce mediation training that no two mediators are the same in terms of style or training. Firstly, know that not all mediators are lawyers. Some are and some aren’t. Why does that matter? Well, if you don’t work with a mediator that is also a lawyer, they can only create a memoranda of what you agree to. You will need to have a lawyer actually create and file the divorce agreement for you. In some cases, a lawyer for one party will create the divorce agreement and the lawyer for the other party will review it. In any case, it will increase the cost of mediation to some small degree. There are also mediators who are lawyers. While this might seem like the way to go, realize that he/she might not have a style that you are comfortable with given their litigation training. It really makes sense to meet with several mediators to find the right fit for you – in terms of training and style. The most important thing a mediator has to give you is their neutrality. If there is any doubt in your mind about your comfort level or their neutrality, then find another mediator. I definitely experienced this issue, and yet, it never occurred to me that I could go find someone else that would be a better fit. I just ditched the whole process instead – big mistake.

4. Mediation Re-Defines Your Relationship

It might be daunting to think about having to negotiate your divorce with your spouse. There’s a lot of emotion that comes up in mediation – fear, anger, sadness, distrust. This is your opportunity, though, to take control of your life and ask for what you want. And the mediator is there to break down the process into smaller bite-sized pieces so the process is less overwhelming. The mediator is also there to ensure that there is balance in the negotiation, that no one voice is being unheard because the other voice is louder. If necessary, a mediator can also caucus the mediation by keeping you in separate rooms during the negotiation. Regardless, the mediator keeps the process moving – with balance — towards these smaller agreements. Even if this concept of balance was missing from your marriage, trust that it will be there in mediation. And this balance of power becomes the fertile ground from which you and your spouse can start to re-define your relationship – as co-parents or ex-partners. As co-parents, this new type of communication between the two of you will be critical in still moving forward as a family (which is so necessary for your children), regardless of your divorce. You created your family together and mediation is an opportunity to co-create what your family will look like now. Divorce is not the end of your family – it’s just a transformation into something new. Be intentional about how you want to transform it together.

5. Mediation Isn’t For Everyone

Mediation isn’t all rainbows and unicorns though. It’s gut-wrenching on a number of levels. It is divorce, after all. Mediation can only work if both people want to negotiate an agreement. And wanting that agreement is often the only glue that keeps both people in mediation considering how challenging it can be. So, what do you do if your spouse doesn’t want a divorce? Typically, the person initiating the divorce has already developed more emotional distance and lived through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) – putting them way ahead of their spouse emotionally, who is probably still struggling with denial and anger. It’s important for that spouse to understand the divorce is going to happen, whether they like it or not, and they can either choose the kiddie rollercoaster or the Tower of Terror. Given a better understanding of their options, people typically choose the kiddie rollercoaster knowing that the end result will still be the same. And yet, there are still some people who can’t get past their hurt and anger to participate in mediation. It’s unfortunate since the Tower of Terror is only a fun ride at Disney.

6. Maximize Your Mediation Time

You can make mediation faster, cheaper and more efficient by being as prepared as possible before your first visit. There are mediation checklists that you can find online that illustrate all of the different issues that will be covered. Understand what you want in each of these categories. Also know what you’ll compromise on, if necessary. The more clarity you have before you start mediation the better. And if you can encourage your spouse to do the same, it should make for a more efficient negotiation. In some cases, you will need the mediator to guide you through your options. That’s ok, that’s what they are there for. Mediation typically starts with child custody and the parenting plan (if you have children) before moving into your financials and the division of assets and debts. If you can, try to start on your financial statement as early as possible. It takes some time, but believe me, you will have a crystal clear understanding of what you can and cannot have moving forward. Most of your negotiation will take place within the context of that financial statement. The point here is to be as prepared as possible!

Divorce is a scary, unknown process for most of us, but you can silence much of your fear around the process by getting informed, taking advantage of free consults with lawyers and mediators and creating a plan for yourself. As a divorce coach, I help people create that vision of what they want for themselves – now, in this process and in the future. It gives them clarity and drives them forward through this process with positive energy, instead of fear. And having been through this painful process myself, I do everything possible to ensure that my clients don’t make the mistakes that I did. I know I needed to have these experiences to get to where I am now and do what I do. My sincere hope, though, is that my experience and this knowledge will help you achieve what you want in your divorce.

Only 10% of marriages that have experienced infidelity end in divorce. So, what are the real reasons behind it when it DOES happen?

Cheating represents a need that isn’t being met in the relationship at home – an ego boost, self-validation, self-exploration or even just physical intimacy. And cheating is rampant in our society. 41% of U.S. marriages are characterized by infidelity from one or both spouses. Culturally, we assume that infidelity is a symptom of an unhappy marriage. Is that really the case though? Recent research suggests that marriages are happier than ever before, and most people who have affairs don’t want to leave their spouses. And surprisingly, only 10% of marriages that have experienced infidelity end in divorce.

So when does cheating lead to divorce? What are the factors that really ruin a marriage?

Lack of Attention

I often hear clients in my divorce coaching practice say they didn’t feel “seen” in their marriage. Interestingly, I’ve heard this from both the betrayers and the betrayed. Relationships need to be nurtured — and like sun to a plant, relationships will die without care and attention. To make a marriage work — and survive infidelity — both spouses need to want to make it work. They need to focus on their partner’s needs, desires and concerns, as much as their own. Not everyone has the desire, willpower or energy to do that though after an affair is exposed. Pure lack of attention leaves both spouses feeling invisible and unvalued in the relationship … and this is where the relationship dies on the vine.

Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy – both emotional and physical – is the glue that holds marriages together. And intimacy is more than just sex. It is physical affection, or those non-verbal signs we exhibit when we truly care for one another, such as kissing, holding hands and cuddling. Physical affection signals our attraction to each other, which often means a whole lot more in a relationship than just sex. Unfortunately though, intimacy is lost through negativity, distrust and neglect – all of the emotions created by infidelity. And this loss of intimacy results in increasing distance that eventually leads to divorce.

Lack of Privacy

There is no doubt that social media has changed the way we interact with each other and the world. It has certainly made it easier for married people to cheat than ever before – from online meet-up groups to AshleyMadison.com. Social media increases the opportunity to cheat, but conversely, it also increases the probability that you will be caught – by your spouse, a friend or a family member. There is very little privacy with social media and your affair could become not only exposed, but viral. Once that happens, everyone you know is involved in the affair and the social pressure attached to it is almost impossible to withstand. Very few marriages can survive such a public blow.

Esther Perel, a widely respected sex and relationships therapist, says that “Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self.” In these cases, infidelity has littleto do with the marriage itself and is all about a search for personal fulfillment. It seems that the 31% of marriages that have survived infidelity have done so by transforming the marriage relationship in a way that supports fulfillment for both spouses. Ultimately, the 10% of marriages that don’t survive infidelity are the ones where there already isdeep unhappiness – where the relationship has already suffered from lack of attention and intimacy for too long. The affair itself is incidental to the fact that the relationship had already died without any hope for transformation. Infidelity is not necessarily the death knell for all relationships … just the ones that had no hope of surviving in the first place.

If you lost yourself in your marriage, a fun fling after your divorce can introduce you to … YOU again!

She was 40 and had just initiated her divorce. He was 28 and single. They met at a business conference and spent one crazy night together before heading back to their respective lives. She had never done anything like that before, but credits that experience with having given her a much-needed escape from all the doubt, confusion and fear associated with her divorce. It opened the door to possibilities she hadn’t known were there all along. And it was the shock to the system she needed to remind her of all the great things she had forgotten about herself.

It’s easy to lose sight of yourself in a marriage. We’re conditioned by our culture to BE the caregiver wife or the provider husband or the good parent, neighbor or coach. We’re taught that relationships take sacrifice. Too often, those insidious thoughts of who we should be in the eyes of others makes us forget who we really are. As a divorce coach, I see this again and again … and even experienced it myself. It could be 5, 10 or 15 years, but eventually the light bulb over our head goes on and we are struck with the acknowledgement that we’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way. And this is when people typically make big decisions in their lives … like divorce.

Divorce is freedom – to find yourself again, to re-connect, to be who you want to be. The door of possibility is wide open. And it isn’t uncommon during or after a divorce to jump into a casual fling. Rather than judge or condemn it, consider what there is to learn in that space:

You Contain Multitudes

As Walt Whitman wrote in Song of Myself, “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.” You are not just the roles you play in your life – husband, wife, mother, father, colleague, etc. You are not what other people think you should be. You are not one-dimensional. You deserve to live a three-dimensional life. So, why continue to live one-dimensionally? A fling can remind you of all the parts of yourself you’ve forgotten. It can remind you that you contain multitudes. And seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes can shock you into remembering all of those parts of yourself that had been buried for so long.

You Are Free

Divorce already puts you far outside your comfort zone, so it’s no surprise that you have the opportunity to do things you never would have considered before. You are free to explore and go places you typically wouldn’t without fear or pressure or consequences. You make all of your own decisions now. And there’s power in that independence. Be safe. Be responsible. Be free. You will learn that you are far more capable than you ever thought you were. Use it so that you can truly own your new life.

You Are Damn Sexy

The pressures of marriage can often leave you feeling unappreciated and unattractive. But that isn’t you. It never was. And once you are free of the box that your marriage put you in, you are free to experience and enjoy that others see how truly sexy you are! Indulge it, embrace it and have fun with it. Let yourself enjoy the fact that others can see and appreciate that part of you. Let the tiger out of the cage! You’ll be happy you did.

Fun Feeds Your Spirit

How long has it been since you had fun? Crazy, cut loose, let your hair down fun? Everyone needs fun in their lives. You are no exception. So, give yourself permission to have fun again. Let your inner child out to just play. Your spirit needs it. You need it. No one else is going to do it for you … and that bubbly, giggly you is a gift to everyone around you. The only rules are the ones you make. So, be in the moment – without expectation or judgment. Accept … and enjoy … what it brings you.

A casual fling is not right for everyone, but there is power, knowledge and the zing of feeling alive again in that space. You get that from tapping into all the different parts of yourself that you loved, but lost somewhere in your marriage. You get that from exploring all of the possibilities open to you now. And you get that from seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who wants you … just as you are. So, without judgment, realize that casual sex after divorce can liberate your authentic self from the self-limiting beliefs you inherited from your marriage. As Anais Nin wrote, “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” Divorce is a transformation … so what will you become?

Choosing to mask your feelings through overeating, alcohol, or shopping during your divorce will keep you stuck. Is that really where you want to be?

Divorce can feel like failure. It can feel like rejection. And it can feel like betrayal. Divorce is a shock, even if you initiated it. Everything you know is turned upside down. So, it’s no surprise that so many people faced with divorce do everything possible not to feel what they’re feeling. Emotional numbing comes in various forms – a gallon of ice cream, a bottle of wine or a few little pills. But do any of these things give you lasting satisfaction? No. None of these things will fill the holes inside that you are so desperate to ignore.

Divorce is a monumental change that happens to you. And for some reason, we seem to think that something outside of ourselves can make it better. We immerse ourselves in whatever distracts us from the pain inside – food, drugs, sex, work, alcohol, shopping, TV, Internet – whatever is fast and easy. Rather than face our feelings of inadequacy, we turn to these seemingly quick fixes to give us some relief from ourselves. Is it real relief though? And is it serving you?

Brené Brown’s ground-breaking work on shame and vulnerability teaches us that it doesn’t. In Daring Greatly, she says “We numb the pain that comes from feeling inadequate and “less than”. However, when we numb the pain of one emotion we numb everything. We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.”So, by numbing your difficult emotions, you are numbing everything. Through numbing, you might succeed at avoiding your feelings of pain and failure, but you are also cheating yourself from feeling happiness and joy. And ultimately, numbing yourself to what you are feeling will keep you stuck in that place.

So, how can you change your patterns and get unstuck?

Feel What You Feel … Without Judgment

Accept that you are in this space … but know that it is temporary. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without attachment or judgment. What are you meant to learn here? And how can you use it to give you clarity? How can you use it to move forward in the way that you want, with intention? Judging yourself and your feelings puts you on a merry-go-round of shame and blame. And it will never go anywhere. The only path forward is through your emotions. Trust that once you let yourself experience them, they will lose their power over you.

Be Mindful of Your Numbing Patterns … And What Triggers Them

Take time to notice all the ways you numb yourself. Identify the emotions, people and situations that trigger them. Choose recognition over avoidance. Once you recognize your patterns, you can intentionally choose a different path … one that gets you where you want to go.

Accept That Difficult Emotions Are Uncomfortable … But That This Is Also The Space For Growth

Pain, hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, loneliness … are all difficult emotions to feel every day. They also challenge you to grow in ways you never could have imagined previously. So, rather than choosing distraction or avoidance, embrace them. Own them so that they won’t own you. You are stronger than you realize. And like the phoenix in the flames, you will rise from the ashes stronger than ever before.  Change can be difficult, so use it to your advantage. Use it to stretch and grow and find new paths of possibility for yourself.

Let Go Of The Pain From The Past And Fear Of The Future. Be Present In The RIGHT NOW

Re-living all of the “should haves” from the past won’t serve you. You are powerless to change it. Worrying about what you will or won’t have in the future won’t serve you. You are actually attracting it to you by choosing to focus on lack, rather than abundance. So, be present now. This moment is all that really matters. And these are the moments when you need to be focused on what you DO want in your life. Once you are focused in that direction, you can start walking that path. Make your dreams for yourself more important than your fears and past pain. If you do, you’ll be walking that path before you know it.

Numbing yourself is self-sabotage. It keeps you stuck and powerless in a space of pain and confusion. You can’t move forward from that place, nor can you make the important decisions divorce requires of you. So, stop judging yourself and your feelings. Stop avoiding what you feel. Once you can accept where you are and what you feel, you can be truly present to make better decisions in your divorce. Accept that there are gifts for you here, such as learning and personal growth. And give yourself the gifts of acceptance and appreciation, so you can be open to joy and happiness again in your life.

Anger at your ex? Sure, that’s a given. But hope, elation or even nostalgia? Now those are some unexpected feelings. Don’t worry: They’re all totally normal.

I still don’t know what to do with my rings now that I’m divorced. Every now and again, I still like to dig them out from where I had hidden them in the depths of my underwear drawer … and just remember what I used to feel back then. They’ve become a touchstone for the entire lifecycle of my marriage — the initial giddy excitement … that turned into anticipation and comfort … which became boredom and disappointment … and finally, doubt and anger. And when you’re in that place of resentment and loss due to your divorce, it’s difficult to believe that you’ll ever feel anything different. But you do.

So, don’t be surprised when you find yourself experiencing a whole range of positive feelings related to your divorce. From my own experience and that of my divorce coaching clients, these 6 are the most common.

1.       Relief

Whether it is months or years, we all get stuck in that limbo period of confusion and doubt before finally making the decision to divorce. And when you finally do make that decision and when you are finally divorced, there is truly a feeling of sweet relief. No more indecision. You’re finally unstuck and moving forward.

2.       Elation

There aren’t too many times in your life when you feel elation, but this is one of them. The chains of an unfulfilling marriage are struck off and you are finally free.  You are free to be who you really are, free to do want you want to do and free to recreate your life on your own terms and no one else’s.  That’s elation.

3.       Hope

Once you close the door on your marriage, you can open the door of possibility. And there they are – all of your hopes and dreams waiting for you on the other side. They’ve always been there, but for some reason you haven’t opened that door in a very long time. So, indulge those dreams and create a vision of everything you want in your life now.

4.       Nostalgia

It sneaks up on you, but there it is when you least expect it (or when you dig out those rings from the underwear drawer). Nostalgia is complex. It can interpreted as sadness, but really it’s a warm feeling of cherished experiences. So, indulge in those memories of people, places and family traditions that were important to you … and appreciate the gifts they brought to your life. And remember, there are many more to come!

5.       Pride

Once the dust settles from your divorce, it’s easier to look back on yourself and your past with pride. Regardless of the fact that your marriage didn’t work, you had great experiences together, probably created wonderful children together and learned so much about yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

6.       Confidence

Divorce isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. And once you’ve successfully run that marathon, you can do anything you set your mind to. Divorce tests you in ways you’d never expect … and getting through it shows you how truly capable you are. Use that confidence as you create the next chapter in your life.

Divorce is not one-dimensional and neither are you. So, don’t assume that your feelings will be one-dimensional either. Feel what you feel. And don’t fall for the stereotypical idea of what divorce should be – depression, loss or anger.  You will feel many things. And when those positive emotions surprise you, give yourself permission to indulge in them. That’s called living your life.

Doing nothing is a decision to stay stuck in this situation. How’s that working for you?

I knew in my heart that I needed to end my marriage for more than three years before I did anything about it. I did tell my husband that things weren’t working … for either of us … and that I wanted a divorce. But I didn’t do anything about it for years. I didn’t consult any lawyers. I didn’t seek out guidance of any kind. I didn’t get a handle on my finances.  I had a plan in my head about how things should work without any idea of how they do work in reality. And of course, this plan was entirely unrealistic. Looking back on it, that plan was a big excuse. My inner critics had convinced me that there was only one way to do this divorce and that I was better off staying in this situation until that worked out. Well, that plan would never have worked. If I hadn’t finally broken free of my own self-limiting beliefs (and inner control freak), I would still be stuck in that unfulfilling marriage where I was compromising myself every day.

As a divorce coach, I’ve heard all the excuses:

“I’m waiting until the kids are in college.”

“It just isn’t the right time.”

“I’m waiting for better weather.”

“I don’t know how to start.”

“I don’t have the money.”

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“I’m not strong enough.”

“I don’t have the skills to rebuild my life.”

“I’ll have to leave the house.”

“I won’t get what I want.”

The list goes on and on. And interestingly, every statement on this list is not about whether or not to divorce, but why you shouldn’t move forward.  As a divorce coach, it tells me that in your heart you want a divorce. It also tells me that your inner critics have convinced you to do nothing — to stay in indecision. And that is a choice you are making. You are choosing to stay in that “stuck” place of confusion, self-doubt, fear and compromise for days, months, years of your life.  And that stuck place has become your new comfort zone. Your inner critics have convinced you that the unfulfilling “devil you know” is far better than the “devil you don’t.”  These saboteurs have wrapped you in a blanket of all the bad things that could happen to you because of a divorce. But is it true?

Ask yourself:

What Are You Gaining By Staying?

What Are Sacrificing By Staying?

If Your Time Were Money, Is This How You Would Invest It?

What Possibilities Are Available To You That You Haven’t Considered?

What Would Want Your Kids To Do If They Were In Your Situation?

My clients tell me “I knew 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago that it wasn’t going to work.”  And it’s clear that all of the self-doubt and confusion that kept them stuck has now turned into self-blame and regret for having spent so much of their lives in that situation. There is no perfect time to get divorced. The process can take years. So, let go of your expectations and find the guidance and knowledge that will help you navigate this process better. You can eliminate a lot of unnecessary fear by making the unknown known.

Let go of the past. You are powerless to change it. What’s important is RIGHT NOW and what you are going to do to create a better future for yourself. Your time on this Earth is finite. Knowing that your life is a precious resource, how do you want to use it? The longer you stay stuck in indecision, the harder it will be to move forward and recreate your life. Only you can decide what’s best for you. So, follow your heart … and your gut … and do what you’ll be proud of later.

Here’s how to talk about divorce with them and let go of the negativity – for everyone involved. 

We did it together. We never used the “D” word. We told our boys that Mommy and Daddy didn’t want to be married anymore. We emphasized that we are still their parents … love them unconditionally … and are still a family … always. Nothing will ever change that. And we keep that promise to them by acting as responsible co-parents, amicably attending their practices and events, and treating each other with respect. Sounds like my divorce was easy, right?  Wrong. It was incredibly long, expensive and stressful. But just because my boys are the fruits of my marriage, it never meant that they had to be a part of my divorce.

Often, the negative emotions associated with divorce make people forget that divorce is about the marriage, not the family. They are connected, but not the same. You will always be your kids’ mom or dad. And you will always be co-parents with your ex. Don’t ever forget that. Your family might look and feel different, but it is still the same when it comes to what is most important. The things that create and sustain a family are love, acceptance and support – not money, where you live or a legal document that says two people are married. I might not be a wife anymore after my divorce, but I can still provide those things to my children as a co-parent. And I do. I created a rule for myself early on that I would put my children’s wellbeing first throughout this process. So, I did my best to not let my situation bleed into their lives unnecessarily.  And I was mindful throughout this process, this transformation, to preserve my boys’ sense of safety, acceptance and family as much as possible. It’s not easy, but it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Every divorce is different, but a parent’s love for their child is universal. I’m not a child psychologist, but I’ve found, through my experiences as a divorced mom and a divorce coach, that there are some key things you can do to minimize the negative impact of divorce on your children.

Focus On What’s Most Important

As a divorce coach, I often hear clients say that they put their kids first. What does that mean? For some, it means that they stayed in an unfulfilling marriage until their kids were older. Or that they try to get a higher level of custody or more time in the parenting plan in their divorce negotiation. My definition is different. Abusive situations aside, kids need both parents in their lives.  And the single most important thing to a child in this process is knowing that neither of his/her parents is going to disappear because of the dissolution of the marriage. It seems basic, but love, attention and support from both parents during this process is critical. As with all good parenting, kids need to see, hear and feel the same message from both parents that your relationship with them will never change, regardless of the circumstances. You might not be husband and wife anymore, but you will always be parents together – whether you like it or not.

Be The Parent

So, being a parent means that you have the emotional maturity to be the leader, role model and guide that your children need to feel safe and secure. It’s up to you to model appropriate behavior and provide the assurance that you can protect and provide for them emotionally and physically. Ultimately, it means that you are a guardian of the family, regardless of its new form. It doesn’t mean you allow your kids to run the show. They are looking to you for leadership. It doesn’t mean that you allow them to be a part of your resentment, anger and pain related to your ex. They are looking to you to protect them from confusion, hurt and potentially feeling responsible. It doesn’t mean you can bad mouth your ex or introduce your kids to your new girlfriend/boyfriend. They are looking to you to value and cherish the family that you have all co-created to reinforce their feelings of love, safety and belonging. As the parent, your kids follow your lead. If you think and act as if this divorce is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, then so will your kids. You are potentially setting them up for a lifetime of distrust and negativity. You have a choice. You can show them that all of life is about change, not just this divorce, and teach them flexibility and resilience. You can show them that nothing is black and white and teach them how to create a life of possibility. You can show them that divorce can honor the family differently and teach them empowerment and critical thinking. Remember, they will follow your lead.

Communicate On Their Level, Not Yours

Your experience is not your kids’ experience. This is an important fact to acknowledge because you can’t assume that they understand or feel what’s happening the way you do. Regardless of how old they are, your kids have separate lives and will experience changes related to your divorce based on how it impacts them. Their concerns can be as simple as where they will live and what they will have in their bedroom … or as complicated as how this will change their relationship with you. You are in a unique position to help them understand that these changes can be positive. As a parent, you can show them how truly capable you are (and they are) in creating a new life … one full of possibility and fulfillment. As Jennifer Weiner wrote in Fly Away Home, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” So, put this all in perspective so that you can teach your children the right things about life and love.  Again, it’s all in your hands.

Having been there myself, I understand that most of this process is out of your control. I understand that your ex and how he/she behaves is out of your control. But I also understand that you can control how you behave. You can control your perspective and your actions. Modeling a positive outlook for your children will help them … and help you sustain it for yourself. And maintaining a positive perspective in this divorce will help you make decisions you will be proud of.  Divorce doesn’t have to destroy your family. All’s it takes is love, acceptance and support … all the things that made you a family in the first place.

Is your marriage shackling you to an unfulfilled life?

How many years have you been allowing what you don’t like in your marriage? And how many compromises have you made that just didn’t feel good? I’m not talking about leaving the toilet seat up or the toothpaste cap off. I’m talking about where you wanted to be in your life … your hopes and dreams for your future. Your future is now and somehow those hopes and dreams got derailed by someone else’s hopes and dreams. And somehow the fairy tale of a marriage, a shared life, was supposed to make it all OK that you put someone’s else’s needs before your own. But it isn’t OK. It is never OK. Without really knowing how you got here, you realize that your marriage isn’t quite right. It wasn’t what you envisioned it to be. And it leaves you hollow inside.

As a divorce coach, I hear it all the time. My clients aren’t fulfilled in their marriage, years have gone by, and yet they are reluctant to accept that a divorce might be the best thing that ever happened to them.  I hear “my relationship isn’t abusive” or “I don’t want to hurt my family” or “maybe, it’s just me.” It makes me wonder “why are you holding onto something so tightly when it isn’t serving you or your family … and what would letting go look like?”

No More Drama

Divorce can be a gift to you and your family. All the fighting, emotional distance and disappointed expectations would end. There might finally be peace and appreciation in your life … and your childrens’ lives. And believe me, your children want peace. They want loving, happy and engaged parents … regardless of whether they are married or not. And you will be a better role model for them when they see that you aren’t settling for less than you deserve. There’s reason they tell you on an airplane to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your children. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to help anyone else. So, who are you really helping in this situation? No one.

No More Compromise

Divorce can be the catalyst in your life to stop compromising yourself and your values, to stop allowing what you don’t like. Relationships require equal give and take, but when you are doing all the giving, then something is seriously broken in the relationship. Even in a marriage, you shouldn’t have to compromise who you are for someone else. In a balanced relationship, Mr. Right will cherish that about you and support you 1000%. So, why are you wasting time with Mr. Wrong knowing this situation won’t change? And if you wouldn’t want that for your children, why are you still allowing it?

No More Putting Yourself Second

Divorce will put you in the driver’s seat of your life. For some, that kind of ownership feels like overwhelming responsibility. Well, if that is the case, I have a secret to tell you. You only get one life and you’ve always been in the driver’s seat. Choosing to let someone else decide where you go feels easier, but in the end, it will leave you stuck in an unfamiliar place that you never actively chose for yourself. So, take the wheel! Your fulfillment is all that matters in this world. If you are happy, then everyone around you, including your children, will be happy. And Mr. Right will do everything in his power to make you #1 … which just might earn him that title of Mr. Right.

So, let go of what doesn’t serve you. Realize that divorce can be a gift to you and your family. If you keep looking backward, you can never see the world of possibility in front of you. Believe that you deserve far more in your life than settling for an unfulfilling marriage. Listen to your intuition. Believe it before you waste more of your life being unhappy. And accept that there are better things waiting for you.

Gay marriage is marriage – with everything that comes with it … including divorce. If you’re in an LGBTQ union and considering a permanent split, here’s what you need to know.

Not too long ago, while driving in the car, my 5-year old son told me about two of his classmates that got “married” at recess. My older son quickly rebuked him saying that it wasn’t a real marriage. So, I asked them what they thought marriage was all about. Even at their young ages, they had a television-produced image in their minds of marriage as what happens when a boy and a girl get all kissy-face with each other. So, I enlightened them. I told them that any adult could get married as long as they weren’t relatives. Boys and girls. Girls and girls. Boys and boys. I told them that the only thing that mattered was two people loving each other enough to commit their lives to one another … in a legal union where they combine their lives and their assets. And as a divorce coach, I had to make the point that couples could also choose to be together and love one another without the legal complications of marriage. Of course, they had stopped listening by this point.

I hope I made an impact on them though. I truly believe that everyone – of any gender, color or race – should enjoy equal rights. Marriage is a union of two lives – emotionally, physically, financially and legally. Too often, heterosexual couples focus on marriage purely as a representation of their love and commitment and forget what it really is. Marriage is a legal union that provides rights, protections and benefits that should be available to any couple that wants them. Just like any couple though, LGBTQ couples who choose marriage are just as susceptible as the rest of us to divorce … and the legal process that requires us to untangle and divide our lives, assets and custody of our children. While the LGBTQ community deserves to celebrate their equal right to marriage, they also need to recognize that almost 50% of those marriages could end in divorce. So, be prepared if it happens to you.

Don’t Act Based on Negative Emotions

Divorce opens the door to all of our worst saboteurs – self-doubt, denial, confusion, fear, anger, hurt. None of these inner critics will serve you in this process. Decisions and behavior based on these negative emotions will only make this process … and your life … more difficult. The best way to silence these inner critics is to examine and acknowledge them, so that you will recognize them when they pop up and make a different choice. Make choices based on what is best for YOU — what is most important to YOU – because you and your children are the only things that matter right now. Don’t accept that fear should rule your life.

Don’t Take It Personally

It’s important to recognize that divorce is a legal process. While it signifies the end of your marriage, which can be incredibly painful, it’s just business as usual for your divorce attorney and the court system. Indulging in your anger, resentment, sadness or fear of the future with your attorney will not serve you in any way besides exponentially increasing your legal fees. Separate your negative emotions from the legal process in order to use this resource wisely and cost-efficiently. You also need to shift your focus away from your ex and onto yourself. What happened is in the past. Leave it there and start creating a better future for yourself.

Don’t Do It Alone

Realize that there are specialists who can help you just as much as your attorney in this process, such as mediators, financial analysts, forensic specialists, therapists and divorce coaches. Create your own support team of resources, family and friends that will support you emotionally and legally. You don’t have to do this alone. You do need to own this process, though, to ensure that you are optimizing your probability of getting what you want from it. As a divorce coach, I work with individuals to help them eliminate their self-sabotage and focus on what’s most important to them. You need to know what you want so you can ask for it. Make sure it’s your game plan though and your team is following your lead.

Don’t Compromise Your Values

Everyone knows they have values, but few people can name them when asked. And yet, knowing your personal values is critically important in this process. Whether you realize it or not, you make your most important decisions based on them. Your values might include family, love, contribution, achievement, health or others – all of which represent your personal rule book for who you choose to be in this world and what you choose to do. Your combination of values is unique to you … and everyone else has a different set of values guiding them in their decisions. Honoring your unique values is essential to your peace and happiness. And when your values are compromised, by you or others, it feels miserable. Relationships crumble due to lack of shared values. Know your values. Honor them throughout this legal process, so there is no doubt you are doing what is right for you. Honor them so you will be confident in yourself and your actions. Honor them so that you know you did your best.

DO What You’ll Be Proud Of!

What would your life be like if you always did what you would be proud of later? What kind of new life would you build for yourself with that guiding principle? This is your time to live according to your higher purpose – without compromise. So, create that vision for yourself. Use it to motivate and propel you forward in this process. Take baby steps to start creating that new life right now. Imagine yourself there already. When you focus on what you want, your purpose becomes clear. Your saboteurs are silenced. You’ll make better decisions in your divorce and increase the probability of getting what you want.

Avoid these dating minefields to make it fun and easy instead!

Jumping back into the dating pool after a divorce is daunting. It takes time to mourn the death of a marriage and recover from the post-traumatic stress disorder that is inherent in the divorce process. I had never been a serial dater before my marriage, so the idea of getting back out there after this all time was incredibly intimidating. And the dating world had changed completely with online dating, speed dating, meetups, etc. When I thought about it though, I realized that I needed to shift my perspective. I had just survived an incredibly long, incredibly expensive divorce. If I could handle that, then learning to navigate the new dating world would be a piece of cake in comparison. And rather than think of it as a war zone studded with land mines, I could see it as a playground full of fun and new experiences. And it can be … if you remember that dating is about YOU and NOT the other person.

Avoid these common mistakes to create a better dating experience:

Giving Away Too Much, Too Soon

Your safety and privacy are important. So, don’t share personal details about yourself and your family too soon. Make sure that the person you are dating is completely trustworthy first.  Use apps like Been Verified to check out your date before you meet and always make sure that someone else knows who you are meeting and where. Your trust is a gift. It needs to be earned. So, don’t give it away for free. And don’t unload your past relationship horror stories on the first date or rush forward too fast. Enjoy this new beginning. Create some mystery about yourself that wants your date wanting more. If you rush forward too fast, you’ll be missing all those magical moments that are happening right now.

Forgetting Your Self-Esteem At Home

Your divorce might have knocked you down, but don’t let that bleed into the new life you are trying to create for yourself. Remember, people will treat you the way YOU treat you. So, if you don’t respect yourself, then your date won’t either. Love yourself first. You don’t need anyone else’s validation. And when you insist on being treated with respect, kindness and compassion, you will attract those types of people to you. You are a gift. Never forget it. And having that kind of confidence and respect for yourself is damn sexy!

Creating Unrealistic Expectations

Who doesn’t love that giddy feeling when you’re getting ready to go out on a date? It’s nervousness and excitement all wrapped up together. Unfortunately, those feelings can sometimes encourage you to rush forward and start creating expectations about what this person could mean for you in the future. Instead of just enjoying the moment, you’re distracted by the incessant question in your head of “Is he the one?” Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. Your goal in this dating process is to have fun, meet new people and create new connections. If there is spark, then great. But you need to take this one step at a time … without expectation. There’s no rush. Enjoy the ride.

Saying Yes When You Should Say No

There are billions of people on this planet, so chances are you could find love with more than just one. After a divorce, it’s nice to have new attention, but don’t fall into the trap of needing it for validation. When you’re validating yourself, you don’t need to compromise in the dating process. You don’t need to settle. If one date doesn’t work out, move on to the next one. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And being single is a whole hell of a lot better than being miserable just to avoid being alone.

Jumping Into Another Relationship Too Soon

It can be tempting to jump into a new relationship straight from your divorce. It allows you to avoid that transition from being married to being alone. It allows you to avoid the responsibility of rebuilding your life by yourself. It allows you to avoid that you actually got divorced at all. So, lots of avoidance here. But avoidance never serves us. Avoidance is incredibly tempting, but it robs us of the time we need to really know what we want. It robs us of the clarity we need to understand our past patterns and make better choices for the future. It robs us of the strength that comes from rebuilding our life the way we want it to be … without compromise. So, give yourself this time to be independent, to be free.

Not Trusting Your Gut

We feel our feelings first in our body before our mind interprets it. So, listen to your body. What’s it trying to tell you about this date or that date? If you ever feel the slightest bit of doubt, move on. Even if you don’t understand it, there must be a reason. If, however, you get that giddy “butterflies in the stomach” feeling, then you just might have a keeper! Tap into your intuition and let it guide you to make better decisions.

So, be safe. Be confident. Value yourself. Lose any expectations around the future. Insist on being treated like a queen. Be present in the moment. Trust your gut. And most importantly, have fun!

Don’t let “divorce overwhelm” hijack your divorce and cause you to make these mistakes!

I confess. I was completely overwhelmed by my divorce. Where once I had been on solid ground, now I was at sea without any sense of how I was going to stay afloat, never mind what direction I needed to take. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was paralyzed, in limbo, while I tried to re-orient myself. And then when I did, I was overwhelmed by the confusing divorce process and my attorney’s sheer lack of empathy. I understand. It’s a business for him – but for me, it was my life. And now, after my divorce, I can honestly say that, even as a divorce coach, I am still overwhelmed by picking up the pieces of my life and re-building them in a way that serves and fulfills me. Ultimately, divorce is an overwhelming tidal wave of change that happens to you.

To me, that feeling of overwhelm is like being on the verge of drowning. It doesn’t feel as if you have any options in that space where you are just trying to hold on, to survive. Acting from this place, though, can lead you to make some serious, yet entirely avoidable, mistakes in the divorce process. Don’t let overwhelm hijack your divorce. You won’t like where it leaves you.

7 Common Divorce Mistakes To Avoid:

1.       Forgetting That You Own The Process

In order to get what you want, you need to be an active participant in the divorce process. Your attorney can make suggestions, but ultimately, you are the decision-maker here. And to take ownership of this process, you need to know what you want. You need to understand and ask for those things that are most important to you. Re-building your life starts immediately and having a vision of what you want your life to be, during and after your divorce, will help you better manage your attorney (and save on attorney fees) and better navigate the divorce process.

2.       Taking It Personally

Too many people get hung up on their anger, resentment and pain during the divorce process to focus on getting what they want. It’s all too easy to lash out when you, yourself, are in survival mode. Unfortunately, focusing on negative emotions is a distraction that will ultimately come back and haunt you. You need to focus on the big picture … what is best for YOU, rather than focusing on the hurt associated with your ex. If you don’t, your divorce will likely take a lot longer and cost a lot more than you realized. And it won’t set you up for creating a better life for yourself once the divorce is final. So, let it go and keep your focus on what’s most important for you.

3.       Refusing To Compromise

Sometimes, when we’re barely staying afloat, it can feel like there is only one way forward. That feeling of overwhelm can shut down our ability to see that there are numerous possibilities available to us with just a little bit of creative thought. Your goal is to get divorced. Period. And while you are in a negotiation to maintain as much of your current lifestyle as possible, you need to weigh that against how much that negotiation is costing you in time and legal fees. Understand what is most important to you, so that you can get what you want out of this divorce as efficiently as possible.

4.       Relying Solely On Your Attorney

Too many people cling to their divorce attorney as if that were their only life raft. Certainly, your attorney is knowledgeable and can guide you through the legal process. There are numerous other resources, though, that can also serve you during your divorce, including financial analysts, forensic specialists, therapists and divorce coaches. All of these specialists can bring knowledge and clarity to this confusing process. So, understand what you need and what would help you navigate this process better. You don’t have to do this alone!

5.       Throwing Yourself Into A New Relationship

Another temptation from that space of overwhelm is to jump into another relationship and make that your life raft. While that might seem like an easy way out, you’re really now just relying on that person to make your decisions for you. Is that what you really want? The decisions you make in this divorce process are hugely important and will have consequences for how you move on with your life for a very long time. The only person who should be making those decisions is you.

6.       Expecting Too Much

I hate to say it, but there are no guarantees in the divorce process. You can’t rely on what happened in your sister’s best friend’s divorce or even on the various scenarios your attorney is giving you. And you need to be realistic about what you want and what you are asking for. The process of divorce is only focused on the equitable distribution of assets and child custody determinations. There are legal precedents and guidelines that your agreement will have to fit within. And of course, each Judge brings their own experience and opinion to what is considered “fair.” Expectations can only lead you down the path of disappointment in this process.

7.       Giving Up

The divorce process is frustrating. It can be long and extremely confusing. It is all too easy to want to give up and let yourself drown. It’s too easy agreeing to whatever your attorney is telling you. Is that what you want though? Agreeing to whatever? You can’t “opt-out” of this process. This is your life! And I doubt you’d be happy five years down the road looking back at what happened during your divorce after you had thrown in the towel.  Owning this process is tough. It requires you to fully be in it. And that is a lot of responsibility. Ultimately though, you will regret it if you don’t. Giving up on this means giving up on yourself. And that’s not an option.

Coping with the overwhelm of this process can seem impossible … but it isn’t. You don’t need to make these mistakes. Finding clarity around what you want, empowerment to ask for it and a laser focus on what is most important will ensure you’re finally making this change work for you. You are not at the mercy of the waves and the current. You’re not drowning. You are the captain of your fate, your life. And you can make it any way you want it to be.

All divorce attorneys are not the same. Make sure you find YOUR perfect fit!

It’s difficult to know where to turn when you’re faced with divorce. Few of us have had any prior experience with the legal in’s and out’s associated with this difficult process. In my divorce coaching practice, I’ve heard too many stories of time and money wasted as clients go through lawyer after lawyer trying to find the right one. And yet finding the right divorce lawyer is key to what could be a faster, less expensive divorce versus a long-drawn out emotional and financial nightmare. But if you don’t know what to look for in a divorce lawyer, how do you know you’re investing all of your money, hopes and dreams in the right person?

Follow these 7 steps to find the divorce attorney that’s the right fit for you!

1.       Be Realistic

Firstly, you need to realize that divorce is a legal process with the sole purpose of dissolving your assets and resolving custody issues. Your divorce attorney’s job is to represent you to the best of their ability in this process. While you might want them to listen to your anger, frustration, pain and sadness, that is not their job. They are not trained to be your therapist or coach and they don’t want to be. Since your attorney has higher rates and the clock is always running, it is a gross misuse of your money if this is how you are using them.  And divorce attorneys have seen it all. What seems immensely important to you might barely register for them within the scope of the legal process.  So, be realistic about the role of your divorce attorney and what you can expect from them.

2.       Stay Focused On The Goal

Your ultimate goal in this process is to get divorced … and hopefully, you can do so without any major depreciation of your lifestyle. Don’t let your emotions jump in and run rampant when it comes to negotiating over material things that don’t mean much to you in the big picture. If you do, your divorce will be longer, more litigious and definitely more expensive than otherwise. Is it worth it? No. So keep your focus on getting divorced as quickly, and with as little financial damage, as possible. So, the next question is:  what kind of divorce will do that for me?

3.       Know What You Want

Before you rush out to hire a divorce attorney, consider other alternatives to traditional litigation. If you aren’t completely entangled with children and finances, you could hire a mediator to help you negotiate the terms of your divorce. Mediation is the fastest, cheapest way to get divorced and you might not need to hire an attorney at all! If your negotiation is more complicated, you will have to hire a divorce lawyer to negotiate a settlement with your spouse’s attorney.  Or you could consider a collaborative divorce. A collaborative divorce is focused on negotiation with the goal of preserving a co-parenting relationship. Your last resort is a litigated trial. Typically, these are the cases when neither side will compromise. So, you need to determine what type of divorce attorney you need based on your unique circumstances. Realize that any divorce attorney you talk to will try to steer you in the direction of their own specific expertise. It is up to you to know what you want first, so you can make the right choice.

4.       Identify At Least Three Potential Attorneys

Don’t jump to hire the first lawyer you meet. They are not all the same. Find at least three divorce attorneys that you can interview before making your decision.  Clearly, you need to hire a lawyer that specializes in family law – and one that is experienced in the specific type of divorce you think is best for you.  The ideal attorney has the legal knowledge and experience you need, helps you understand the process, communicates and negotiates well, solves problems creatively and is experienced in your specific court system.  So, you need one that is local to you. Regardless of whether or not your divorce is headed to trial, your attorney needs to be experienced with the family law judges in your jurisdiction, so that he/she can advise you appropriately on legal strategy.  So, how do you find potential attorneys? Ask you friends for personal recommendations. Ask your trust or estate lawyer for divorce attorney recommendations. Go online to the numerous websites that provide client reviews of attorneys local to you.

5.       Interview And Research Potential Attorneys

Start with an initial phone call. Ask them about their experience and specialization within family law. Ask them about what type of client they typically represent. Ask them about their rates. Most divorce lawyers charge an hourly fee and require a retainer, a fee charged in advance. Some lawyers will also negotiate fees based on anticipated settlements. Don’t waste your time (or theirs) on a meeting if they are out of your cost range. Most divorce attorneys provide a free consult to discuss your specific situation and what their legal approach would be. So, take advantage of it to gather as much legal advice as possible! Typically, the attorney you meet with will not be handling the day-to-day issues related to your case. So, ask to meet the colleague or associate that would. The divorce process can also include financial experts, parenting coordinators, coach facilitators and forensic appraisers (to name a few). Find out your attorney’s access to these resources and if any would be relevant to your case (as it will affect overall cost).  And even if you have no intention of heading to trial, look at the attorney’s trial record and history of success in court. This track record is an indicator of your attorney’s success in negotiation.

6.       Look For Red Flags!

Unfortunately, many attorneys will tell you what you want to hear just to close the deal. While this is your life, it is a business for them. There are no guarantees in this process, so if an attorney is making promises, don’t believe it. If an attorney talks about high-profile clients or divulges confidential information based on other cases, it is highly likely they will do the same to you. If they aren’t respectful of other divorce attorneys you are interviewing, it is a sign that they won’t be to you either. And if during your consult, they are constantly distracted by phone calls and emails and can’t focus their sole attention on you, they likely won’t during your divorce case. Make sure the lawyer you choose acts according to the professional ethics of the industry and treats you with the respect and attention you deserve. This might be their business, but it is your life!

7.       Make Your Choice

The divorce attorney you choose to represent you is local, professional, knowledgeable, responsive and communicates well. This attorney is someone you trust and feel comfortable with. This attorney supports your basic philosophy toward divorce and has a style that works for you. This attorney recognizes the importance of your children and puts them first in the legal process by not making unreasonable child support demands or custody arrangements. This attorney is affordable. Divorce is a highly personal and emotional process, the outcome of which can have a significant impact on your life. This is an important decision and there are no guarantees in this process.  However, if you follow these steps, you will find the right one – the one that listens to what you want, advises you well and has your best interest at heart.

Resolutions set us up for failure, so leverage the Law of Attraction to make true change in your life.

Apparently, this is the time, more than any other time of the year, when we’re allowed to dream. This is the time when we’re supposed to write down our goals or resolutions for the coming year. Fueled by our dreams, it is oh, so attractive to get swept up in the adrenalin rush of all the things we could achieve as we round the corner into a New Year. We leave the old year behind, along with all of our disappointments. And we look to the New Year with hope around all the things we could accomplish … and with excitement around what those accomplishments would bring to our lives. Unfortunately, those resolutions set us up for failure. Resolutions are traps because they are based on the premise that we just need to “do” more to get what we want. We create impossibly high goals for ourselves which can rarely be achieved. And if they weren’t, wouldn’t we have accomplished them already?

So, rather than fail again this year, I invite you to tap into the Law of Attraction instead. The Law of Attraction, quite simply, states that “like attracts like.” So, we attract good or bad experiences based on our thoughts … based on who we choose to “be” in our lives. Our universe is one large mass of energy. Individually, we are each just comprised of energy.  Nobel Prize-winning physicists have proven that it is our thoughts, our consciousness, that pull this energy field together to create the world we see and experience within the limited spectrum of our senses. Our perception of the world is purely interpretation. Whatever we believe in, and observe, is created by the very fact that we believe it and are observing it. Our thoughts literally create the universe we live in. And because “like attracts like,” thinking about something means you invite it in – whether you want it or not. So, the trick is to actively focus on your positive intentions, while avoiding negativity, to manifest what you want.

Tap into YOUR Law of Attraction with these 5 steps:

State What You Want

You have to know what you want before you can focus on it. It is important to be very clear about what your positive intentions are, in as much detail as possible, for you to manifest them. Remember, your clarity of focus is what helps attract what you want back to you.

Write Down or Visualize What You Want

Once you know what your positive intentions are, write them down. Make them tangible. Put them in black and white so that you can see, and focus, on them every day. Or better yet, visualize them in color by creating a dream board. Dream boards help you pull together images that represent your positive intentions. Visualizing them in this way is incredibly powerful for focusing your energy on what you want.

Focus Your Energy On What You Want

Use your list or dream board to create a daily practice around focusing your energy on your positive intentions. The more you can make these things real in your mind, the faster they will come to you. Think of this focus as asking the universe for what you want. And frequency is key. Truly focus your mind, body and spirit on attracting these things to you … every day.

Appreciate What You Already Have

Gratitude is a powerful motivator of positive energy. Not only does it keep you in a positive mindset, it also helps you avoid negative attitudes and influences around you. And it is crucial that you nurture this positivity, since that is what you want to attract back to you.

Let Go Of Your Attachment To A Specific Outcome

Lastly, trust that the universe will send you back the positive energy you are sending to it. Trust that there is an abundance of positive energy for everyone. Let go of any preconceived ideas around how you will receive that energy back.  While you might have a very specific idea of what you want, you might receive this positive energy back in a different form – one that will have just as much, if not more, impact than what you had originally conceived. Miracles come in many forms. Unless you have a positive mindset, you won’t even be able to see them for what they are. And if you can’t recognize them, you won’t be able to receive them.

Channeling this new state of “being” will bring immense change, positive change, into your life – far more than an impossible to-do list. So, forget your resolutions. Create your positive intentions. And have fun trusting that 2014 will bring you everything you want!

Dealing with a divorce over the holidays can be difficult. So, give yourself the gift of peace and joy.

The holiday season is meant to be all about peace and good will. During and after a divorce, though, it’s difficult to find that peace, that joy, in your life – especially with the ghost of Christmas past knocking on your door. Memories of what you used to have, and dreams of what you wanted your life to be, have a way of hitting you hardest during the holidays.  And it’s difficult looking forward into the New Year with any kind of excitement or hope.  So, how do you find peace when everything in your life has been turned upside down? Peace is a state of being that you can have at any time. You just need to learn how to tap into it. And you need to incorporate it into your life as a daily practice. Focus on these 7 steps to find your inner peace this holiday season:

1. Focus on BEING and not DOING

In our culture, there is a huge emphasis on achievement – that what we DO dictates our value. In fact, this focus on doing is actually a recipe for failure. Time and time again, people postpone their happiness until they achieve some goal – and then when they do, they might feel a fleeting rush of happiness or nothing at all. There is no lasting peace of any kind. One goal is replaced by another, so that we are never truly off the hamster wheel and always feel dissatisfied with where we are in life. Replacing the focus on DOING with a focus on BEING frees us to see the value that is inherent in who we are and who we choose to BE in our lives. Peace is a choice. And when you say YES to peace, you are saying NO to anything that disrupts that peace. And by choosing peace, everything you DO from that perspective now seems easier.

2. BE in the Present

Our past has already happened and our future is yet to come. We only have THIS moment to BE in. Keeping a focus on BEING keeps us present in this moment … but it is a discipline that needs to be practiced. We need to let go of our old stories from the past – they only define you, if YOU let them. Silence your inner critics who want to rob you of your peace and tie you up in knots of worry around all of the “what ifs” that might or MIGHT NOT happen. It seems a terrible waste of time and energy focusing on things that might never come to pass. Choose practices like meditation, yoga, rock climbing – anything that keeps you focused in the present. Choose appreciation and gratitude for all the blessings you have RIGHT NOW. There are miracles all around you. If you aren’t in the present, you are rushing forward so fast you can’t even SEE these miracles, never mind RECEIVE them.

3. Live By YOUR Core Values

Everyone knows that they have values, but few can identify their core values when asked. Understanding the values that are most important to you and LIVING by them, so that you are honoring them in every decision you make, is key to being at peace – with yourself and the world around you. Also, understand that your values are unique to you, so when you feel miserable, out of sync or misunderstood in your environment, it is likely a result of your values being squashed by different ones around you. Finding the people and environments that share your values, rather than stomping all over them, will support who you are and help you shine. Identifying your core values, living them and aligning them with those around you will bring you peace with who you are and what you do.

4. Connect
Throughout time, people have found comfort and safety as part of a group connected through shared purpose, activity and/or lifestyle. There is peace is being a part of something that is larger than us individually. There is peace in being accepted as an individual into this higher purpose. And connection with others feeds our soul. It often helps define us … hopefully for the better. And through this community, this connection, we are all necessary to this world. 5. Contribute

So much of our modern culture is about what we “get” when we achieve certain “goals.” The rewards of “doing well” that includes all the material things money can buy. Doing well, though, isn’t the same thing as “living well.” The first is focused on having enough so that you don’t worry (about position, security, stability, etc.) and the second is about being at peace in all parts of yourself and your environment, so that you never worry at all. A key element to achieving this peace is in contribution – giving, rather than getting, and giving without any expectation of receiving anything in return. This contribution keeps you on the path of living your values. It provides a higher purpose for you to share in and it is a gift you give to others that rewards your soul.

6. Forgive

We’ve all experienced the hurt and anger of a personal slight, deception or betrayal. And what happens? Trust is broken. Pride is hurt. You’re angry at the other person and, sometimes, even yourself. What do we do with all those emotions? In some cases, old grudges can fester for years or whole lifetimes. Most people tend to think of forgiveness as something you grant to the other person. I disagree. To me, we don’t forgive people because they deserve it. We forgive because WE deserve it. Forgiveness is not for other people. It is purely for ourselves. The act of forgiveness is about letting go of the anger, releasing the hurt, so that you can be free and at peace in your life. Forgiveness turns anger about the past into hope for the future. Otherwise, you are stuck in a story about the past that limits and imprisons you. And self-forgiveness is just as, if not more, important than forgiving others. So, let it go. Otherwise, you will never be free, never truly at peace with yourself.

7. Declare Your Positive Intentions

It has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our world is one large mass of energy. It flickers in and out of being in milliseconds over and over again. This is called the science of Quantum Physics. Nobel Prize-winning physicists have proven that it is our thoughts, our consciousness, that pull this energy field together to create the world we see and experience within the limited spectrum of our senses. Our perception of the world is purely interpretation. Whatever we believe in, and observe, is created by the very fact that we believe it and are observing it. Our thoughts literally create the universe we live in. So, we manifest what we think about. Your life becomes what you think it will be. The Universe is just reflecting your thoughts back at you … until you decide to think and feel and be differently. There is a world of possibility out there – especially once you know and accept that you can manifest anything you want, purely by focusing on it. So, create a list of your positive intentions – focus your thoughts, your being, on everything you want for yourself and the world. Know that you are helping to change yourself AND the Universe for the better. You will truly be at peace, confident that everything you want is easily yours.

Eckhart Tolle said: “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”  And in that self-awareness, there is peace and miracles and joy.

Stop blaming yourself for your divorce. You can’t finish the dance when there is only one of you still on the dance floor.

You might not realize it, but your marriage was not just about you and your ex. There was a third thing involved here called the relationship – that unique dynamic that the two of you created together, that bound you together, that gave you purpose together. That relationship was your unique dance together, where there was joy in every step¸ every movement. So, what happens when you realize that you’ve been dancing by yourself? And that you have been for a very long time?

We all know that it takes two to tango. Two people committed to being in step with one another. Two people focused on each other. Two people equally invested in the dance. And when it’s right, it flows effortlessly like Fred and Ginger. When it’s not, there are two people dancing in their own separate corners.  Or there’s just you, dancing by yourself.  And when you suddenly realize that you have been dancing alone for quite some time, you just keep going through the motions. You believe you have to for the sake of what others might think. It’s a lonely place to be, especially when you can remember what the dance used to feel like.

So, what happened? How did you get here?  You both had the best intentions and yet, somehow, the relationship had been forgotten, neglected, and abandoned somewhere along the way. What you didn’t realize was that the relationship itself is a living thing with needs of its own. Relationships need constant care and attention, and ultimately, they all have a beginning, middle and end.  Yes, all relationships end. It is inevitable. The most successful relationships are those where a couple can keep transforming their relationship into something new. These relationships are characterized by vigilant gratitude, soul-baring communication, intense appreciation and a clear focus on the positive. I guess this is what people mean when they say that relationships take “work.” I don’t think it has to feel like work, though, if you’re both enjoying the dance. All other relationships die. Most people don’t realize that they need to invest in their relationship together every day … and that if they don’t, it won’t withstand the changes that come with time, emotional distance and responsibility. And the less they pay attention, the more likely it is that their relationship will wither away completely. Some people don’t notice for a long time. Others abandon it at the first sign of trouble for something else that is shiny and new. It seems too difficult to try to revive what has become so devoid of the joy it once had.

So, stop blaming yourself. Let go of regret. Let go of guilt. Let go of blame. Your relationship didn’t fail because of you. It failed because one, or both of you, forgot to dance every day. Know that the dance, the dynamic between the two of you, was unique to you. Neither of you will have that same kind of dance with anyone else. That dance contained joy and love, but also hurt, confusion, doubt and perhaps betrayal. Recognize it for what it really was between you both. Cherish it for what it gave you at the time. Acknowledge the lessons you learned from it. Be thankful that the dance it had become is over. And give yourself permission to let go of what it could have or should have been. It just was. No guilt or blame necessary. You needed to experience it to grow. So, take the gifts it gave you. Stop looking backward.  Open your eyes and look forward. Your next dance partner is waiting for you. And this time, the dance could be a cha-cha, hip-hop or flamenco.

More than half of all men and women cheat in their relationships. So, who do you blame when it happens to you?

According to these recent infidelity statistics (http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/), cheating is rampant!  A whopping 57% of men and 54% of women admit to having had an affair. And 74% of men and 68% of women would cheat if they knew they would never get caught. 31% of these marriages actually survive this infidelity, but the remaining 69% are contributing to the high divorce rate in this country.

In my divorce coaching practice, I hear stories of betrayal all the time. And I’ve experienced it myself.  The truth will always find a way to rise to the surface in a relationship. And when it does, it’s a punch to the gut that forces all the air out of your system. Everything turns upside down. And as soon as there is one lie in a relationship, then you question — was anything really true? All of a sudden, there is rejection, self-doubt and deep, deep hurt in the space where there was once love and trust. And that is a fall that is difficult to recover from. I applaud that 31% who were able to do it. The rest of us are just left with trying to make sense of what the hell just happened.

So, Who Do We Blame?

Some of us internalize it. As girls, we are taught to absorb. We are taught to keep the unpleasant inside. We are taught that our role is to please others. We listen to our deepest inner critics telling us it was our fault. We deal with inner guilt around all the things we think we should have done in the relationship. We blame ourselves convinced that there was something that pushed him away. We listen to our inner critics telling us that we aren’t attractive or young enough; that we aren’t sexy, that we are unloveable.

Some of us blame the other woman. She was the cause of all this. She broke up your relationship. If only she hadn’t come on the scene, with her irresistible siren call and temptation, then the marriage would have been just fine. And we build her up in our minds. We attribute to her all the qualities we think we lack. She becomes everything we wish we were in our minds … but with conniving, evil intentions.

I’m here to tell you that you can’t blame yourself … or her. There is no blame here. Your inner critics are distracting you from the truth. There were cracks in the relationship all along, whether you acknowledged them or not. And those cracks only get wider and wider when two people aren’t open and honest with one another. Two people create a relationship and both are responsible for it. And when it falters and fails, that responsibility is equally distributed between those two people. It could never be solely your fault or his. Pointing fingers or internalizing blame just opens the doors to your saboteurs, making the passing of this relationship that much more difficult to get over. The blame saboteur keeps you stuck in that hurting place where you can’t move forward. So, leave blame behind. Choose accountability instead.

What About Him?

I hear so many women in my divorce coaching practice who make excuses for their ex.  I don’t even think they realize it. And when they blame themselves or the other woman, they are forgetting that this was his choice. Ever the caregivers, they are still trying to shield and protect their ex, even during the divorce process – at their own expense. When are we going to stop sacrificing ourselves to keep things going when clearly things are falling apart? When are we going to stop trying to hold up both sides of the relationship when he clearly isn’t doing his part? When are we going to stop making excuses for him?

Choose accountability instead. Your ex is an adult, responsible for his own actions. You are not responsible for him. He made the choice to cheat, without any influence from ANYONE. I know. I was accidentally the other woman. I didn’t know I was being lied to either. And by blaming yourself or the other woman, you are letting him off the hook. Why? He needs to be accountable for his choices and actions. Infidelity is a sign that the relationship isn’t as healthy as it used to be. And it is typically a sign that he doesn’t believe the relationship will get any better. There are other choices here though that go overlooked – communication, honesty, trust. Choices he didn’t make.

Choose Yourself

So, choose yourself instead – without blame. Realize that you are now free from a relationship that wasn’t serving you – that would never serve you. You deserve communication, honesty and trust. You deserve someone who will give you those things in a relationship, even when the going gets rough. There will always be bumps in the road, but the person you are meant to be with will trust in you, and the relationship, enough to give you honesty – no matter what. You deserve someone who sees all the choices and makes the right ones for both of you. So, remember who’s accountable here. Stop blaming yourself. Stop blaming her. Move on. Focus on yourself. And remember, happiness is the best revenge!

How would a heaping portion of gratitude make a difference in your divorce?

Divorce comes with its own unique blend of emotions. It contains all of the typical feelings associated with a break-up, like hurt, rejection, anger and self-doubt. With divorce, though, all those feelings get intensified and mixed together with an extra helping of fear. And managing the divorce process, and this new upside-down life, is that much more challenging when you are also, so blindly, desperately, trying to manage yourself.  It’s easy to forget, in the midst of so much chaos, that there are gifts for you here in this space. Open your eyes. Choose gratitude. It seems simple, but this is the time when you need it most.

Easier said than done, right? Actually, it is easy – as easy as breathing. Remember, focusing on what you do have is far better than focusing on what you don’t. And focusing on what you want to have now is even better. Your hopes and dreams are always stronger than your fear and pain. So, get off the emotional rollercoaster for a minute and take a breath.

Now, be grateful for that breath. You are alive! Your experience right now feels hard, but that is all part of living your life. How can we fully experience and appreciate joy without first having experienced pain? They don’t say life has its ups and downs for nothing. Diversity and contrast is what makes life exciting and bright. Who wants a beige life? So, know that what you are feeling right now is finite. It is unique to this time and place. It will pass. And you will still be breathing.

And how you live your life from now on is completely up to you. There is freedom in this space. There is choice in this space. Look at your future as a canvas that you get to paint any way you want. So, start focusing on you. Start envisioning what you want your life to be … now … a year from now … five years from now … and so on and so on. If you can’t dream it, you can’t achieve it.  What do you need to start taking steps towards making it real? Go! Start taking those steps. The transformation of your life from now on is in your hands. What a wonderful gift that is.

Now, keep breathing and look around you. Who’s there?  Your children? Friends? Family?  Who do you love? And who loves you right back? Feel their fierce love. Feel their strength. You are special in their eyes and hearts. Surround yourself with love.  Enjoy what they bring to your life. Appreciate the joy that you share with them.  Life is short. Every minute that you spend in anger, fear and pain is a minute sacrificed. So, how do you want to spend your time here? And who do you want to spend it with? Share their laughter because laughter truly is the best medicine.

Lastly, look to yourself. You are no longer being pulled down by a broken relationship. You no longer have to compromise who you are for the sake of someone else. You are your own greatest gift. You are unique. There has never been anyone exactly like you before and never will be again. You’ve already experienced challenge in your life. And while this might feel like the hardest one of all, you are more than capable of transforming your life. The future can be scary, but there is huge opportunity for you there too. You are free now.

Gratitude is not what you do. It is who you choose to be. So, take another breath. Breathe in joy – breathe out gratitude. Breathe in love – breathe out gratitude. Breathe in peace – breathe out gratitude. Do it. Do it every minute of every day.  Do it every day until it lives in your heart.

Clarity often comes like a bolt of lightning out of the blue.

It’s a shock that opens your eyes to a whole new perspective. A client of mine called hers a miracle. Mine was like waking up – the kind where you sit straight up, instantly awake, and look around not recognizing where you are, even though it’s the bedroom you’ve slept in for years.

My bolt of lightning struck after 9 years of marriage. I was having a reunion lunch with a very dear friend of mine from college. We had gone our separate ways and hadn’t been in touch since well before either of us had gotten married. It was one of those long, catch-up conversations where we tried to cram in as much as possible about the last 10 years of our lives. And then it happened. I saw myself through his eyes. It was the old me that he was seeing. The girl I used to be when I was single, who loved traveling, seeing bands, curled up in a corner reading or staying up late into the night in deep conversation with friends. It was a shock because I hadn’t recognized her.  And I realized that that girl was nowhere to be found in the stories I was telling about my life now. I had let her go somewhere along the line. I had replaced her with priorities, responsibilities, burden and pressure. I had unwittingly sacrificed myself trying to be the wife and mother I thought I was supposed to be.  That was the moment when I knew deep in my heart that my marriage wasn’t working, that I had been miserable for a very long time and that I would wither away completely if I didn’t do something about it.

Unfortunately, my situation isn’t unusual. As a divorce coach, I hear some form of this story from all of my clients. I had been caught in a common trap of trying to be what I thought I should be now that I was married. We all have ideas of what these roles are from television, magazines and even fairy tales – the   wife, mother, cook, housekeeper and caregiver.  And while I appreciate the equality gains made on behalf of my gender, the feminist movement swung the pendulum so far to the other side that now we all had to be a wife, mother, cook, housekeeper,  caregiver AND executive. So now, Mrs. Cleaver, the stay-at-home mom, became Claire Huxtable, the attorney and mother of five children – both completely unrealistic, but influential characters that shaped my ideas about relationships. And these ideas created my “love language” – all the things I felt I had to be and do to demonstrate my love for my husband.

We all have our own love language. And as with all languages, there can be huge problems with translation. I believed that I was demonstrating my love by taking care of everything, by giving him what he wanted. I made more money than he did, so I shouldered all responsibility for our finances when we got married. We bought a house based on his wish list. We took the vacations he wanted. When he wanted a pure breed golden retriever, I got it for him. Then, when we had our first child, we decided he would stay at home with the baby for the first few months, so he could look for a job closer to home. Seven years later he still hadn’t gone back to work. Even though he was at home, I was the one that cooked, cleaned and bathed the baby. And I paid all the bills doing a job that I hated. I felt trapped and miserable. I was cracking under the pressure of so much responsibility. And I was so hurt that my love language was never reciprocated. I felt completely betrayed that he had never tried to ease or share these responsibilities with me. I know now, as a coach, that he didn’t speak or understand my love language and I certainly didn’t speak or understand his.

Our divorce was final this past July. It’s been a very long, challenging journey, but I can honestly say that I needed this experience. I needed to wake up. I needed to find myself. I needed to ditch my love language and start creating something new. I needed to recognize and acknowledge my authentic self and not take her for granted ever again. Sometimes, we don’t realize how important something is until it is almost lost. I was allowing what I didn’t like in my life and I was hiding from myself. And yet, I can’t help but see both my marriage and divorce as gifts in my life. I cherish my marriage. It gave me challenge and growth, insight and learning that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. It also gave me my two wonderful sons who make everything in my life bright and beautiful. My divorce gave me freedom. It gave me the gift of intention, of choosing to live my life wide awake. And it gave me myself, the best gift of all.

If you’re only “coping” with loneliness, then you’re not really coping at all.

Loneliness is universal. We all know what it feels like, that empty ache in the chest. And loneliness is probably the most common emotion people experience before, during and after divorce. I know I did. Even during my marriage, I was lonely. And that loneliness, that ache, was a signal that something was wrong. I don’t think anyone expects to be lonely ever again after getting married, but it happens. So, what’s worse? Staying in a marriage where you feel alone or truly being alone after a divorce? For me, the choice was clear. I’d rather wrestle with loneliness out in the daylight rather than in the shadows of a broken relationship. Now that I’m here though, I realize that loneliness can’t be about struggle and loss. I can’t hide from it or try to push it down, down, down into my stomach. It’s about really being in it – fully experiencing it – until it has been transformed into acceptance, love and hope. I know it sounds easier said than done.

So, here are my suggestions to help you shift your perspective.

Separate the Feeling of Loneliness from your Loneliness Saboteur

Too often, the feeling of loneliness is tangled up with an inner voice, a saboteur, who incessantly whispers fear in your ear – “You will always be alone. No one is going to love you ever again. You made a terrible mistake.” Fear always gives you the worst possible scenario and never chooses the right path. It creates a feeling of loss that just doesn’t align with reality. It creates anxiety, worry and doubt from your past and into your future. But you have no control over the past or future. So, recognize and acknowledge the saboteur voice for what it is – the voice of fear. And don’t let it choose your future for you. Choosing divorce does NOT mean you choose to be alone. YOU get to choose where you want to go from here. If your saboteur voice is all about the past and future, then the feeling of loneliness is about where you are right now. The feeling of loneliness is just that – a feeling that needs to experienced. You can choose to experience it as your adversary or you can invite it to sit next to you at the table as a friend. Ultimately, you just need to BE with it. No expectation, no judgment. It just is. Accept it.

Ask How Loneliness Serves You

Loneliness is an intense, bright light that is focused just on you, to the exclusion of everything else. It strips everything away and exposes you … to you. And it is most uncomfortable when there are things you don’t want to face. There is no hiding here though. If you don’t look at these things, your saboteurs will use them to fuel your fear. So, try to BE in the loneliness without self-judgment. Once you can look past your saboteurs, you might find that there are gifts for you here too. My loneliness reminded me to slow down and focus on myself during my divorce. It encouraged me to re-group and figure out what I want. Being with loneliness helped me dream again. It’s given me hope for an exciting future. Hopes and dreams are always stronger than saboteurs. And it’s given me clarity. I needed to acknowledge that I am not the person I was. After all this change, I needed to get to know the person I am in the here and now. So now, I interpret that hollow ache in my chest as a signal that I am meant to learn something in this space. So, ask yourself – what is there to learn here? How will it serve me? Take this feeling as a sign to slow down. Be present in the here and now. Face it. Learn from it.

Embrace Loneliness

I cherish my time alone. It is so very rare to have time for ourselves in today’s busy world. Take it for yourself. And when you feel lonely, look for the gifts it has for you. Now, loneliness reminds me of everything I’ve accomplished in my life to get where I am today. It reminds me of how strong I am. It reminds me of how I changed the course of my life all by myself. It reminds me of who I really am and who I want to be. In some ways, loneliness has become my champion showing me how to accept and love myself. How amazing is that? Who knew that loneliness could be a positive energy for growth and change? There is huge creative energy in this space of loneliness as well. Find it. Embrace it. Use that energy to create the life you want. Use it as a springboard to get you there.

In Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life.” Loneliness is universal. We all know what it feels like, that empty ache in our chest. So, don’t just sit there. Indulge in it. Embrace it. Make it yours. Make it uniquely your own. And lastly, make it work for you. You are the only one who can. And maybe, that is the most important lesson loneliness is trying to teach us.

Divorce is about the dissolution of a marriage, NOT the family – unless YOU let it be that way.

People often experience divorce as if it were a big wave that swept them off their feet, over a cliff and carried them out to sea. They flounder. They struggle to breathe and stay afloat. And many of them grab on to a divorce attorney as if he/she was a lifeboat that would save them. They assume this boat will take them where they need to go, even though they have absolutely no idea where that is. They forget that they once knew how to swim on their own. They forget that they are their own compass. They forget that now, more than ever, their children need them to be a steady beacon of light – proof that they are safe, loved and never lost.

I see too many people in my coaching practice who are blindsided and in shock by their divorce. And of course, it makes sense that you would feel this way. If you have kids, though, you can’t stay in that place. Divorce is a highly personal event. And while it represents a personal loss for YOU, it doesn’t have to be that way for your children. It CAN’T be that way. Divorce is about the dissolution of a marriage. It is NOT about the dissolution of a family – unless you let it be that way.

Your kids are depending on you to be a strong parent (and co-parent) right now and it is your mission to preserve a stable family structure for them. That structure probably doesn’t look the same as it once did, but your kids need to know – and feel – that your love for them is unshakeable. They need to hear it and see it. You need to reinvent your life WITH your kids. You need to create a co-parenting relationship with your ex that always put the kids first. You need to reinforce that you are still a family. Divorce doesn’t change that.

Believe me, I know. We never used the “D” word with my kids.  Together, we told them that their father and I had decided not to be married anymore – but that we are STILL a family and ALWAYS will be. We explained that while we would live in different houses, the love that lives in our hearts for them is what is most important. Nothing can change that. It’s not enough to just say the words though. You need to show them every day. So, we both attend all of their school events, practices and games. We model responsible behavior and decision-making with one another, so that our kids can feel safe and secure. And we recognize that our kids need both of us in their lives as much as possible.

Please don’t think this is easy though. I had to learn to separate how I feel about my ex from what the family needs from him as a father. I had to acknowledge what was most important to me – my children – and put their needs above my hurt. I realized that my divorce was not the end goal, but just a transition on the way to a new family structure, one that would be more functional than before.  There are also lots of resources, such as your attorney, collaborative divorce specialists and parenting coordinators, to help you create a workable co-parenting plan with your ex. Ultimately, all relationships take work. You’re building a new relationship, as a co-parent, with your ex. You are redefining your relationship with your kids. You have to walk that walk EVERY DAY. And it’s important to realize that you need to put aside your past and negative feelings for your children’s sake – for your family’s sake. It might not be easy, but there is huge fulfillment here.

Also, realize that this is an incredible opportunity to have a deeper relationship with your children. Once you are a co-parent, your time with your children is limited. Previously, you might have taken your time with them for granted, but now every precious minute counts so much more. Things are changing for them and for you – so use this time to have REAL conversations with your children. Ask them what they think and feel. Ask them what is most important to them. Be curious about who they really are as individuals. This is the time to take your relationship with them to the next level.

I know this might feel impossible if you are still caught up in the storm of your divorce. So, let your children be YOUR beacon of light, pointing the direction and showing you what is most important during this difficult time. They will show you your strength.  And you will be strong in return. You need each other — that is what a family is. You are completely capable of reinventing your life in a way that gives your children stability and love. And never forget, you are always a family and nothing, not even a divorce, can take that away from you.

Self-care is about more than just a mani-pedi or a new haircut. It’s about nourishing your soul.

Women are traditionally care-givers. Unfortunately, we are sometimes so busy taking care of everyone else, we forget to take care of ourselves. I see it all the time as a divorce coach. My clients start talking about everyone around them and I have to ask, “What about you?” The response I receive is typically startled surprise. In some cases, I see women who have embraced this traditional role and focused their lives completely on their husband and children. I can tell you right now, men don’t want that. They married YOU, not some idea of what a wife and mother should be. I also see women who hide behind their role as care-givers. They have a saboteur that urges them to deflect attention away from themselves. My question here is “How can you be a partner in a marriage when you don’t want anyone, including your husband, to see you?”  There is also the saboteur that says “You don’t deserve it.” This one is just plain insidious … and wrong. These saboteurs set you up to get completely blindsided when it comes to divorce. You believed that all of your hard work would be appreciated without realizing that there was crucial piece missing from the equation – YOU. So, it’s time to silence those saboteurs and focus on yourself for a change.

Self-care, to me, is about more than just a mani-pedi or a new haircut. While all those things are nice, it doesn’t give you the care you need in your soul. It’s about nourishing your whole self to bring you back into balance during this traumatic time. It’s about alignment. As a coach, I often ask my clients to give me one word to describe how they are feeling in their mind. And then, one word for how they are feeling in their body. And then, one word for how they are feeling in their spirit. We are three-dimensional beings and ironically, it is rare to achieve alignment in all three of these dimensions without attention and self-care. You deserve that alignment. You deserve to live a vibrant, three-dimensional life.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for getting there. Daily practice in self-care, especially during divorce, is essential to helping you find a calm, more centered you, so that you can meet these challenges head-on.

Meditation

I know it sounds like new-age mumbo jumbo, but meditation is time that you give to yourself, for yourself, to calm your mind and body. We spend our lives racing around trying to check everything off our to-do list, but we often forget about ourselves. Meditation is a gift of stillness in a busy world. It is a gift of listening to what your mind and body need to tell you. It’s a gift that won’t require anything back from you. Try it for 5 or 10 minutes. Try to give yourself that time every day.  You don’t need to create a blank mind. You can focus on, and repeat, a phrase – any phrase – that you want. Pick one that is empowering, like “I am loved” or “The world will give me what I want.”  Or, taking inspiration from Eat, Pray, Love, you can focus on smiling. Or you can pick an online guided meditation that suits you. The practice of meditation is about getting in tune with yourself. Try it. You just might learn how unique, wise and beautiful you really are.

Gratitude

Even during the toughest times, we all have things in our lives that we’re grateful for – but do you remind yourself of what those are every day?  A focus on, and appreciation of, all the great things you do have in your life right now is critical. With all the negativity associated with divorce, you need to find and hold on to those things – like your kids, family and friends – that are positive in your life. So, take 3 minutes every morning to write down everything you appreciate in your life. Time yourself. Stop writing when the 3 minutes is up. Read what you wrote. It’s a wonderful way to start your day with a positive mind-set.

Exercise

It’s incredibly tempting, during divorce, to forge a new co-dependent relationship with your couch. I urge you to resist that temptation as much as possible. Get moving – somehow, some way. Exercise will boost your immune system, release endorphins, reduce anxiety, and improve your sleep. You will also feel a sense of accomplishment just by doing something that is good for you. You don’t have to run a marathon. Find something that makes you happy and be mindful of your body and how important it really is. Everything is connected. Exercising your body has a direct impact on your mind and spirit. So remember, strengthening your body strengthens YOU.

Laughter

A giggle, a snort, a chuckle – take your pick. Any kind of laughter can bring sunshine and hope into every situation. And laughter IS the best medicine, especially during a divorce. Find a reason to laugh every day. Laugh with your children. Laugh with a friend. Give yourself permission to laugh. Do it because it feels good. Do it because you are still YOU even during the toughest times. Don’t take yourself, or this situation you’re in, too seriously. There is always room for laughter and you really need it in your life right now.

Nurturing and aligning your mind, body and spirit during your divorce will help you find your center again. It will propel you back into really living your life. And it will motivate you to start moving forward in your life. It will remind you of who you really are. You need that. You can’t be there for everyone else, if you aren’t present yourself! So, remember — when you take care of yourself, you are giving the people you love a better, more authentic, three-dimensional YOU. And that is a wonderful gift.

Can’t remember or understand what your divorce attorney says? It’s not you … it’s divorce fog!

It’s a common occurrence. Almost everyone I know going through a divorce says they can barely remember anything their lawyer says. I call it “divorce fog.” And science has proven that it is a real thing. Multiple studies have demonstrated that high emotion increases stress hormones and significantly lowers cognition. Not only is your memory impaired, but your ability to understand is incredibly limited. It doesn’t matter how “smart” you are. Divorce is traumatic and, as such, your brain chemistry is working against you. The good news is that it’s not you … and there are several things you can do to clear the mist.

Silence the Saboteurs

Divorce opens the gate to all of our worst inner critics – self-doubt, denial, confusion, fear, anger, hurt. None of these saboteurs serve you in this process. And they are actually creating the divorce fog that you are in. So, the best way to clear the mist is to silence these saboteurs, so that you can make rational, well-informed decisions in this process.  You need to examine and acknowledge your worst saboteurs. You need to be able to recognize and address them when they pop up. You need to realize that decisions and behavior based on these negative emotions will only make this process … and your life … more difficult. Identifying and addressing these saboteurs is central to my work as a divorce coach because traumatic change, like divorce, is when they grow and wreak havoc the most in your life. Don’t accept that fear should rule your life.

Create Your Future Vision

Your life once had direction, but with divorce, you are left anchorless and adrift. You need to deal with the shock, but the sooner you can create new goals for yourself the better. Why?  You will never go anywhere without some destination in mind. You will never have the motivation to cut through this fog and make positive steps forward. You need something to look forward to.  It’s your beacon of light guiding you through the fog. It’s important to create a vision of who you want to be and what you want your life to be now and in the future.  Having a clear picture of what you want will give you the positive energy to start making it happen.  ANY step forward is good. And true change only happens through a series of baby steps. As a coach, so many of my clients have difficulty creating this vision because they think it has to be something huge. Then, they get discouraged because achieving it seems too difficult. I give you permission to find a vision that works for you – however big or small. Find something that makes you happy. Picture it in your mind.  Color in all the details. And ditch your expectation that anything happens overnight or that this vision can’t change along the way. Change takes time. Everyone wants to go to from A to Z immediately, but you need to take it step by step, letter by letter. Give yourself the time to appreciate the journey and everything you are learning here.  When you focus on what you want, your purpose becomes clear. Your saboteurs are silenced. You’ll make better decisions in your divorce and increase your probability of getting what you want. Remember, you can’t get what you want, until you know what that is.

Bring a Notebook

It might seem simplistic, but one of the best things you can do is write down everything your lawyer says to you. Bring a notebook to all of your meetings and keep it by the phone. And if you realize that you don’t understand something after the fact, ASK!  You have more control over the divorce process when you have a real understanding of what is happening and what your options are.  I understand – it’s difficult to even know what to ask when you are in the divorce fog.  So, it is even more important to write everything down so you can review it, and ask questions, later. If you’re not writing everything down, you might need to ask your attorney the same question over and over – which means you are increasing their billable hours. In the end, you might not get what you want in the divorce AND still have an inflated attorney bill at the end of it. Who knew the simple, low-tech notebook could be such a powerful tool against divorce fog?

Bring a Friend

Now is the time to accept all the help you can get. In addition to my previous suggestions, it makes sense to bring a friend with you when you meet with your attorney.  Your attorney is meant to be your “fierce advocate,” but truly your fiercest advocate will always be your best friend.  Not only will she give you the support you need right now, she can also share her perspective on what happened in the meeting. It’s great to have a sounding board who will be hearing what your attorney says from a different context. And you know and trust that she will ask questions that probably never occurred to you before. You know you’re not lost in the fog, when your best friend is helping to guide the way.

I see divorce fog all the time in my coaching practice and in divorce support groups. It is normal, but if you don’t acknowledge and address it, you could get stuck there.  Now that you know it’s just a matter of brain chemistry, you can do something positive about it!

Working with a coach will help you succeed—not just survive, your divorce.

There are a few major milestones in life-or rites of passage-that change your life forever. These milestones include going to college, getting your first real job, living by yourself for the first time, getting married and unfortunately for about half of you, getting divorced. Each of these represents a major change in your life that either helps you focus your path in a specific direction (like getting your first job or getting married) or breaks you out of your existing path altogether. Divorce definitely falls into the latter category. Depending upon your individual circumstances, separation and divorce can be like a bomb going off in your life. Let a divorce coach help put the pieces back together.

KABOOM! Your life will never be the same again. Everything you knew is gone. So, what does that mean for you now? What does it mean for your future? You have some important decisions to make, and yet you are stuck in pain and confusion. You are paralyzed by your loss and fear of the future. You are coping with what this all means for yourself and your children. You are lost with no sense of direction. You need help. You need clarity to envision a new life for yourself. You need empowerment to help you build that new life. And you need a cheerleader to root for you along the way.

What resources are available to you?

Unfortunately, not many. Divorce is an industry. And as such, there are scores of experts focused on helping you get divorced-mediators, divorce attorneys, financial coaches and collaborative law firms (with their own mediators, coaches and psychologists). All have valuable knowledge and experience within their distinct area of specialization, but quite frankly, they are limited to advising you on the law. Their only goal is to get you divorced regardless of the emotional rollercoaster you are on. Getting divorced is definitely a milestone, but your goal is to have a better life. You need to focus on the big picture in this process and frankly, your attorney can’t help you with that. It also isn’t a smart use of your money. Every minute you spend venting with your divorce attorney is costing you-A LOT!

And therapy isn’t an ideal fit either. Therapy focuses on the past to explain the present. You can’t change the past, though. So, while this approach might help you make some sense of out of what happened, it rarely gets you to a place of clarity around what you want now and in the future. And it rarely provides action steps to help you create the life you want. You need inspiration to move forward and therapy might keep you in the past spinning your wheels.

While not incredibly well-known, divorce coaching will help you before, during and after your divorce. Coaching provides a safe, confidential space where you can explore what you want for yourself and identify all the things that are holding you back. And having been there myself, I know there is A LOT holding you back. When it comes to divorce, our inner critics are running rampant feeding us fear, confusion, anger and self-doubt. It’s not a good place to be in. It’s incredibly difficult to make any decisions in that place, never mind the right ones. And it’s almost impossible to create a vision for yourself for when this is all over. If you don’t have a vision for a better life, what are you working towards in your divorce?

Focused on the present and the future, coaching will help you explore and address all of your questions and confusion. Who are you now? Who do you want to be in the future? How do you deal with the fear of the unknown? How do you get past all that anger, hurt and resentment? Who are you now that you’re single? How do you cope with the confusing and unending legal process?

Coaching will expand your possibilities and empower you to move forward with confidence and excitement. With clarity, you will make better decisions for yourself and your children throughout the legal process and beyond. Clarity also puts you in a better position in your negotiation with a higher probability of getting what you want. And your coach is your shoulder to cry on, your sounding board, your cheerleader and your biggest fan.

A divorce coach is also a lot less expensive than a divorce attorney. So, while it seems counter-intuitive to add yet another expense to the pile that your divorce has created, hiring a divorce coach is a smart choice that will actually save you money in the long run. It will save you money in attorney fees, and it will save you money by helping you make better decisions throughout the divorce process.

The great news about having a bomb go off is that you get to re-build the pieces however you like. Divorce sucks, but it is also an incredible opportunity to transform your life. So, don’t feel like you have to do this alone. Your coach is out there ready to help you and cheer you on!

Being a single mom can be challenging AND liberating. Which perspective do you want to choose?

A neighbor of mine happened to say in conversation “Well, now that you’re a single mom …” and it took me completely by surprise. I didn’t realize that I was going to be put in the “single mom” category once I was divorced. Me? A single mom? The thought had never occurred to me.  I had grown up with a vague idea of a single mom as some street-tough woman with three latch-key kids juggling multiple jobs to make ends meet. (I blame television for that stereotype, by the way.)  I guess I assumed that since I co-parent with my ex, I would be excluded from single mom status. Apparently not.

So, I gave it some thought. What does it mean to be a single mom these days? I’m a mom. And I am definitely single again. I have more than one job. I don’t have anyone to help me fix a leaky faucet or mow the lawn anymore. And I no longer have an emotional or financial safety net. I am completely on my own. So, yes, I guess that qualifies me as a single mom. I’m happy that no one mentioned this BEFORE I got divorced. The sheer weight of all this responsibility, of being alone, is terrifying … or liberating, depending upon my perspective. I don’t have to answer to anyone else. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s opinion when making decisions. I can make my own way, however I want to. It’s challenging, but ultimately, it’s a kind of freedom. The label of “single mom” was one I would have run away from, but now, I think it’s a badge of honor. It’s about doing something that most people are afraid of. It’s about sheer courage in the face of challenge. It’s about running the gauntlet and making it to the other side.

And it does feel like running, always trying to keep up with one thing or another. There’s never enough time in the day. After a divorce, you are suddenly off-kilter, out of balance. You need to find your way again now that you are on your own. It’s a difficult transition. You run for a reason now though.  The one gift that being a single mom gives you is a crystal clear focus on what is most important – your kids. Being a single mom forces you to prioritize and do it quick!  So, make being a single mom less challenging, and far more fulfilling, with these 3 tips from my own life lessons:

Trust Yourself

This is the time when you throw fear and self-doubt out the window. It won’t serve you.  Listen to your inner you, your intuition and do what you think is best. You had a life before you were married and you are certainly capable of building a new one now. Know what’s most important to you. Honor your values. Trust your gut. Be present. Don’t obsess about the past or worry about the future. As some wise, anonymous person once said “Worry is praying for what you don’t want.” And if you are thinking about the past or fretting about the future, you aren’t here RIGHT NOW! You are missing out on your life. You’re missing out on your kid’s lives. And you are missing out on an opportunity to really BE with yourself and understand what you really want. Your intuition is trying to help you. You just have to listen. You can find balance in your life again. You can be a great role model for your kids.  The only person that can stop you is YOU.

Get Help

You need lots of resources now – friends, family, handymen, etc. So, identify what you need and find a resource to help you. Make a list of all your resources so you know who to call at a moment’s notice.  Unfortunately, most people I know cringe at the idea of asking for help. It’s too bad because people actually DO want to help. It feels good to contribute. People want to feel valued and needed. Don’t you? So, why would you deprive them of that opportunity? Everyone needs help at one time or another. You’ve likely helped many people in your past. It’s your turn to accept help. This is your time. You might feel alone right now, but you don’t have to be. It’s your choice.

Have Fun

All work and no play makes for a very grumpy mom. Regardless of all your responsibilities, you still need to live your life! You’re working really hard to create the best life you can for yourself and your kids. The “best” life, though, has fun and silliness in it too. And your relationship with your kids has changed. A divorce makes you very conscious of your time with your children. There is less of it in a co-parenting plan, so every minute counts. Use that time to BE the mom you want to be. Remember, you are their role model. They need you to have fun. Slow down. Take a breath. Don’t let all these responsibilities distract you from what is most important – your kids. They need this time with you. And they need to PLAY with you. And you know what? YOU need it too! Remember that every time you hear them laughing. And don’t let it be too long before they hear YOU laughing too!

I’m proud to be a single mom. I hope you are too. It means we’ve both made difficult decisions and lived through tough times to actively create a new life for ourselves and our kids. Remember, you deserve that badge of honor and no one can take it away from you.

If stepping outside your comfort zone is the only path to personal growth, then divorce puts you in the express lane!

No one wants to talk about divorce. Most people will do their best to avoid it … and you … entirely. In most peoples’ minds, divorce equals failure. Failed marriage. Failed love. Failed dreams. Failure is a perspective though … and one you don’t need to internalize. You might not realize it, but you actually have a choice. You can choose to embrace a new perspective, one that is far more empowering for you. And frankly, what do you have to lose by finding the positive in yourself and in this situation? Your fear? Your self-doubt? Your anger? You REALLY don’t need those. Trust me, those emotions aren’t helping you. You might not even realize it, but they’re actually keeping you stuck. So, choose a perspective that WILL help you on this journey. You might find a new you and a new life along the way!

Divorce is a Gift

Let’s face it. Most people don’t live a Brady Bunch kind of life. If your marriage didn’t work, the reality is that there is a reason for it. Something was broken and couldn’t be fixed. It could have been the small things or it could have been something really big. You might not have even realized you were on that road. But now you know. And if it’s broken, why would you want it back? In Fly Away Home, Jennifer Weiner wrote, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” And it’s true. You haven’t died. Now, don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from living your life. You only get one. So, shift your perspective. Think of this divorce as a gift. Think of it as the very thing that you needed to acknowledge that the marriage wasn’t working and that it wouldn’t work in the future. There is no doubt it is a really big sign that says you need to find a new path. You can’t stay where you are.

Divorce is a New Beginning

So, where do you want to go? That’s the question that few of my clients can’t answer right away. They’re too distracted by their negative emotions, fear of the unknown and obsessive thoughts about their ex. It’s natural. It makes sense. You need to process what has happened … to a point. You need to move past all that though. Why? The most important thing in this divorce is YOU. So, why are you wasting your time and energy on anything else? You need to focus on YOURSELF. Only you can decide what’s most important to you … in this divorce process and afterward. And if you don’t know what’s most important to you, you are setting yourself up for a very long, expensive divorce. Do you really want that? Once you accept that this divorce is a new beginning, you can let go of the past and start to imagine, and build, a new future for yourself. Get moving!

Divorce is an Opportunity

The door is wide open. All of them are. You just need to pick the one you like best. Divorce is an opportunity to approach life differently. There is huge freedom for you in this space. And you’ve learned a lot about yourself in this process. A lot of the superfluous stuff got stripped away leaving you with … YOU. Use everything you’ve learned to create a life you love. Use it to be a great role model for your kids. Your marriage didn’t define you and neither will your divorce. Yes, focusing on the positive is challenging. Yes, creating a new life is challenging. Isn’t your life worth it though? Remember, you only get one.

Divorce can hit you like a hurricane you never knew was coming.

The storm around you is fear, doubt, confusion, anger, rejection and sadness.  Maybe you initiated the separation or maybe your ex did. Regardless, divorce feels like a drastic last step off a cliff into the unknown. And the scariest question of all is: What’s Next? The idea of an unscripted future brings out your worst fears.  With all these negative emotions, it is difficult to envision what a new life will look like. And the steps to get there just don’t exist yet. Without even realizing it, you’ve let your fear and anger distract you from your path forward and keep you stuck in all the negative emotions you are trying to avoid. The door to your marriage has closed, so why are you still looking at it? And how can you open a new door?

Distraction #1:  Was It Me?

I see so many people stuck in the “Was It Me?” syndrome.  And I have an easy answer for that:  yes, it was you … and it was also your ex. Two people create a relationship and each contribute to that dynamic in their own way. I’m sure there were faults and missteps, as much as there was love, from each of you. There often isn’t one particular reason why it all went wrong. It just did. And yet, you are often fixated on finding that one logical thing that would have changed it all. The past is gone.  And your version of the past is just a story. How is it serving you to analyze that story again and again now?  It doesn’t.  It is actually keeping you from moving forward.  Let it go.

Distraction #2:  He Cheated on Me!

The sting of betrayal cuts deep. The person you loved and trusted the most broke your vows. There is rage and hurt here, and unfortunately, self-doubt. Know that your ex made a conscious decision to cheat. Know that there was nothing you were BEING or DOING that made that decision for him. It is a sign that something is deeply wrong in the relationship.  And as we discussed in Distraction #1, it takes two people to make (and break) a relationship. Your anger is justified, but your self-doubt is not. Don’t internalize his issues or let your anger distract you from what is most important: YOU.  Let it go or you will be sacrificing precious time and energy on a no-win situation.

Distraction #3: My Ex’s Life Is Better Than Mine.

Again and again, I hear about the ex and what is happening in HIS life. Outside of your co-parenting plan, why is his life relevant to you at all anymore?  Divorce is not a competition. There are no winners here. And the idea that the grass is greener on your ex’s lawn is just that – an idea in your head.  And spending all of this time and energy obsessing about what your ex is doing or thinking is really a form of flattery. Do you really want to give him that kind of time and energy?  Remember, stalkers are just fans gone bad … and while you were your ex’s biggest fan in the past, you don’t need to be his stalker now. It’s a sign that you haven’t let go yet. I suspect that putting the spotlight on your ex keeps it off of you … and all of the responsibilities and decisions that are now yours alone.  Accept that you are up to the task and let it go.

Make Happiness Your Goal

It’s easy to get stuck in these distractions when you don’t have anything motivating you to move forward. So, I suggest making happiness your goal. You need to have a goal right now to avoid useless distractions. You need a positive goal you can move towards with hope. You will make better decisions for yourself and shape a better, more fulfilling life. And you will receive a better return on your investment of time and energy. Sounds simple and yet, oh so difficult, right? With small steps, it doesn’t have to be. Follow these steps and you will eventually realize that you ARE happy.

Accept Where You Are, But Know It Is Temporary

You need to feel everything you feel. No distractions. Experience the hurt and sadness without trying to numb your emotions. These feelings are real and need to be acknowledged.  As Kathleen Casey said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” Know that you will never feel these exact combination of feelings again. They are unique to this time and place. They will go away. Trust that you have a life filled with joy waiting for you right around the corner.

Identify and Appreciate Everything That Makes You Happy

Try to find something that makes you happy during this dark time. It could be small, like a sunrise, a unique interest or your child’s laughter. Hang onto it. Notice what else is there. Find those little treasures and store them up. Appreciate those small moments. Find larger ones. The more you notice, acknowledge and appreciate what makes you happy, the happier you will become.

Create a Happy Vision of Yourself in the Future

Once you have a sense of the things that bring you joy, paint a mental picture of yourself being happy all the time. What are you doing? What’s around you? What are you like in this new life? You can also reinforce this mental picture by creating a mood board, or a collage of images, that represent joy for you. Look at how you have created a better life for yourself. Look at what a great role model you are for your children. Being happy is a mind-set – one we have to choose for ourselves. It takes practice, but it is well worth it.

Happiness is the only thing that will make YOU the real winner in this divorce. I know I said earlier that there were no winners in divorce, but happiness is the one exception to the rule. And happiness IS the best revenge when you are focusing on yourself and not your ex. Who knows? He’s probably still stuck in his own distractions. No worries, your grass is definitely greener than his now.

Even though the institution of marriage has long been idealized in the United States, the traditional rules our parents lived by have started to bend and break. 

For instance, it has become the norm for people to live together before they are married.  No big deal, right?  But think about it for a minute. Just a generation ago, living together before marriage was not only unacceptable, but it would stigmatize you for life – and today, everyone does it. The people who don’t live together before marriage are in the minority. So, in just a short period of time, traditional ideas and rules about marriage have shifted to a more flexible model that better serves our needs today.

I’ve noticed the same shift when it comes to divorce. More and more people are choosing separation as an alternative to divorce. Separation was traditionally that limbo period that couples experienced after they decided to call it quits and before their divorce was finalized. That definition is changing. Today, many people are choosing separation as a longer term strategy or as an end goal in and of itself.

So, what’s contributing to this shift? And what is the potential impact?

1.       Financial Reality

Instability in the job market and a lack of growth in our economy has resulted in people having fewer options, especially when it comes to divorce.  Money, and the lack thereof, is often a key contributor to divorce and with the recent recessions, divorcing couples are feeling the pinch even more. Within my coaching practice, I’ve seen a rise in couples who, although “separated”, continue to live in the same house and sleep in separate bedrooms. They simply can’t afford to live separately. This kind of separation can last for years and is just one example of how divorcing couples are breaking with tradition due to the changing world around them. In some ways though, I see people using financial fear as an excuse for not making the changes that they know they need to make.  The key questions to ask yourself are:  what are you gaining in this scenario, and at what personal cost?

2.       Divorce is Expensive

Divorce costs as much, if not more, than a wedding. Few people can easily find a way to pay their divorce attorney, especially when they are living on a single income again. So, many divorcing couples have opted to just stay separated until it makes better financial sense. In some cases, that time will come when they sell the house. Well, in today’s real estate market that can take quite a long time. Additionally, some separated couples who have businesses together choose separation as the easier path since a divorce would require their business and personal finances to be completely untangled and divided. Regardless, make sure you protect your assets with a legal separation agreement that defines division of assets and debt, alimony, child support and visitation. Without this formal agreement in place, you may not receive your share of the marital assets if your ex has drained or mismanaged them.  You might also be liable for your ex’s debts and legal issues, even though you are no longer together. Don’t make your separation more expensive than the divorce.

3.       Separated, But Together for the Kids

There is no way around it. Divorce changes the family structure. Society’s perception of divorce is that it hurts kids the most. I’m personally not convinced that it has to be this way if managed appropriately, but some parents don’t want to take the chance or they choose to wait until their children are off to college. So, in some cases, parents choose to informally separate. There might not be any perceivable change in the family structure beyond sleeping in separate bedrooms. Is it worth sacrificing your happiness, though, based on what you assume the impact will be on your kids? Kids know more than we think they do. And what kind of parent do you think they would prefer? A miserable one or a happy one? One person I know chose this path and when he finally told his daughter that her parents were getting divorced, her response was “what took you so long?”

4.       Living in the Past, Due to Fear of the Future

I’ve seen many people in my coaching practice who really just don’t know what to do next once their partner tells them they want a divorce. There is a period of hurt, shock, confusion and anger that is sometimes hard to find your way out of. Without help, this separation can become a limbo period where you can get stuck in the past rather than living your life in the present. The separation becomes an excuse not to move forward or reinvent your life. Fear of an unknown future stops you in our tracks and sabotages your trust in yourself to build a better life. It really is purgatory. And old habits die hard. There’s a story I keep hearing over and over in my practice of the couple who were married for 15, 20, 30 years and then the wife discovers an affair. The husband moves in with the girlfriend, but still calls his wife for help with all the mundane things she used to do for him. The punch line here is that she still answers the phone and typically does what he wants! Co-dependency is a comfortable trap keeping you in old roles that no longer serve you or the person you want to be moving forward. Separation, motivated by fear, is like poking a bruise so that it never goes away.

5.       Why Bother?

Lastly, many separated couples I know have no plans to ever get divorced. In these cases, their children are typically grown and they don’t believe that investing in a divorce will give them something they don’t already have. So, why spend the money? In opting for a long-term separation, these couples are also opting out of getting married again. The divorce rate for second marriages is actually far higher than for first, which suggests that they might be on to something here. And of course, this option assumes that you have a formal separation agreement in place. Without it, you are exposing yourself to a lot of financial risk with your ex.

Regardless of the reasons motivating this choice, it is important to recognize that you can create whatever arrangement works best for you during this time of transition. Think of separation as a tool that you are using to better position you and your family for success – whether it be financial or emotional. Gain clarity around what you really want for yourself in this situation. Use this tool, for as long as you need to, to help you achieve your goals. And lastly, make sure you are being motivated by what you want, rather than by what you fear.  Your goals will always be stronger!

Divorce is hugely stressful with money being a central player orchestrating most of the drama.

Money stress is often a key contributor leading to divorce. And these days, money often dictates how long people stay together, unofficially separated, before they can afford to get divorced. And if you are in the middle of your divorce, you know that most of the long, drawn-out legal arguments revolve around money. Divorce can be devastating, but the reality is that the process of divorce is primarily focused on the division of assets (and of responsibilities, if you have children).  All of the emotions you are experiencing related to the breakup of your marriage mean absolutely nothing in a court of law. In fact, you might actually be placing yourself in a worse financial position if you aren’t negotiating with clarity around what’s most important to you.

So, here are some hard-won, lessons-learned through the divorce experiences of myself and my clients. Hopefully, you will be happier AND have more money in your pocket after your divorce.

1.       Let Go or Pay the Price

The hard reality is that divorce is an impersonal transaction.  The law doesn’t care about who did what to whom. And the law is not focused on what is fair. It is focused on what is equitable based on precedents and guidelines established long before you arrived at the courthouse. Any hurt, anger or entitlement you are feeling about your ex, or the situation you’re in, will not serve you in this process – it will actually cost you money.  Remember, every minute your attorney is spending on your behalf is costing you money. And there are limits to what the law will allow, so trying to push beyond those limits will be fruitless, time-consuming and expensive – something you might not want to hear and something your lawyer might not want to tell you.  None of your negative emotions will get resolved through your divorce. All the hurt and rage focused on your ex is just a time-consuming, costly distraction away from the bigger picture.  This divorce is about YOU, building a new life for yourself. So, focus on the bigger picture. Find out what the law will allow. Don’t waste precious time and money on fighting for something that doesn’t exist. And create a clear vision of what you want for yourself when this all over. Having a clear vision is essential in helping you make better decisions and negotiate a better future for yourself.

2.       Accept That You Will Have Less

No one ever wins in a divorce (except maybe your divorce attorney). You are back to a single income (if that). Your assets are sold or divided. Your retirement funds are cut in half.  And in some cases, you are paying your ex alimony and/or child support. Regardless, your life will be downsized. Again, many of the guidelines around asset division, alimony and child support have already been established. There is no way to get around them. And if you try, you will be spending your money pointlessly.  Believe me, I know. I had a difficult time believing that any of this applied to me. And I definitely spent more time and money than I should have in fighting a losing battle. It’s hard to give up a certain lifestyle … until you realize you could have a better one.  In my case, I was told that I had to sell the house. Firstly, I have a difficult time when anyone tells me what I “have” to do. And secondly, while it was a foregone conclusion for the lawyers, I hadn’t been prepared for this at all. I was the one who always paid the mortgage and taxes. Of course, I had forgotten that I would have to pay my ex his half of the equity. The lawyers had all my money, so there was no other option besides selling. Selling the house and moving would be a huge change in my life and a major disruption for my children. Every fiber of my being was against it. And then, winter arrived. There I was, forced to shovel the driveway all by myself – storm after storm. And then, spring arrived. And now, I was faced with mowing a massive lawn.  I quickly realized that this house was a huge responsibility I no longer wanted to have – one that consumed most of my money and took time away from my children. I didn’t own this house, it owned me. My fear of the unknown had kept me attached to something that wasn’t serving me. There is freedom in having less. Less stuff equals less responsibility. Less stuff means more time and money to spend on what’s really important. My house was just a house – regardless of where we are, it’s my children and I together that make a home.  Less is sometimes a lot more.

3.       Be Prepared. Money Brings Out the Worst in People

Everyone I know tries mediation in the hope that they will have a fast, amicable divorce. Unfortunately, mediation can get derailed when it comes to the issue of money and the division of assets. Even couples who thought they were in agreement before walking into mediation get stuck when they each begin to understand the reality of the financial situation. And unfortunately, things become a lot less amicable once money becomes an issue. Divorce is so expensive because there has to be agreement and few people can naturally agree about money. Every inch of your financial life is exposed in a divorce. Completing the requisite financial statement will likely give you the first crystal clear picture of your financial status that you’ve ever had. And be prepared. You will need to revise your financial statement several times until your agreement is finalized (six in my case). At its heart, divorce is all about money and nothing triggers people’s worst fears than money (or lack thereof). Money brings out the worst in people when they start acting from a place of fear.  It is every man, or woman, for him/herself. This is the place where mediation breaks down and divorce attorneys get hired to protect what everyone thinks they deserve. Divorce attorneys are expensive though – so at the end of all this, all the money you were trying to protect could end up in their pockets and not yours.

4.       Negotiate with Your Law Firm

Working with a divorce attorney is expensive. You want to find the right one that you are comfortable with and who will represent you appropriately. As with almost any other service vendor though, don’t be afraid to negotiate with your divorce attorney to get the best rate – before and after your divorce. The hourly rates of divorce attorneys have notoriously high margins – not just because they provide a valuable service, but also because clients are late in paying them or never pay them at all.  So, it becomes a vicious circle. Divorce attorneys increase their margins to mitigate risk and their clients have to pay for the people before them who didn’t. Knowing this is how it works, be creative in offering your attorney a deal that gets you a reduced rate and gets them paid on time. And if you end up owing your law firm money once your agreement is finalized, know that they would rather get paid most of it faster, than all of it slower. I didn’t know this when I was getting divorced … until my divorce attorney contacted me (on a Friday afternoon) with the news that the firm would take $3,000 off my bill if I paid the remainder by Tuesday at noon. Once I realized there was room for negotiation – and that they cared more about when they got paid versus how much – I offered them a deal that got them paid when they wanted but at an almost 50% reduction in my overall bill. I gave them what they wanted most and I saved myself a ton of cash. Remember, divorce attorneys are in your service, not the other way around.

5.       Stop the Financial Bleeding

I know that there are some immensely important issues that need to be fought over and won in a divorce – more than 50% of the marital assets isn’t one of them. You are losing money every day that your agreement isn’t finalized. And if you are fighting over more than 50%, you would need a truly compelling case to win. Know what’s most important – otherwise time is money in a divorce. And money is something that you will have a lot less of in the future. Don’t spend it needlessly on issues with little true importance or probability of winning. Know too that money is often a legal strategy in divorce. The party with more money can try to bleed you out financially so that you will be forced to come to terms. I’ve seen this again and again and even experienced it myself. My ex’s divorce attorney filed emergency motion after emergency motion forcing me and my expensive lawyer into court again and again. It can be a reality. It has to be dealt with. You don’t have to play into it though. Fight the battles that truly need to be fought. Let go of the rest so that you can focus your time and energy on re-building your life.  This time in your life is finite. It will end. You will be in a far better financial situation afterward if you keep your goals top of mind throughout this process.

6.       Don’t Throw Money Away

There are plenty of resources to help you get divorced. However, it is an expensive mistake to think that your lawyer will help you cope with the emotional rollercoaster you are on. Their focus is on the law and, while they might sympathize with your emotional well-being, their only goal is to get you divorced. And any time you spend with your lawyer discussing the emotional ups and downs related to your divorce comes at an extremely high hourly rate. So, the point here is that divorce attorneys are not trained to help you emotionally and they will charge you through the nose for their sympathy. In contrast, a divorce coach will help you gain clarity around what you want, help you make better decisions, help you silence your inner critics and help you feel empowered in this process and your life overall. And a divorce coach charges quite a bit less than your divorce attorney. So, while it seems counterintuitive to add yet another expense to the pile that your divorce has created, hiring a divorce coach is a smart choice that will actually save you money in the long run. It will save you money in attorney fees and it will save you money by helping you make better decisions throughout the divorce process.

7.       Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

The old adage is true. Recent research supports the fact that money has very little to do with happiness at all. There are a number of surveys every year to identify the happiest country in the world (Australia, Switzerland or Norway in 2013 depending upon which survey you want to believe). Interestingly, NONE of the happiest countries in these surveys were actually the richest when it came down to Gross Domestic Product. Even though our society assumes that living well is equated with money, and that people with money are happier, it is all smoke and mirrors. Money really CAN’T make you happier. So, if that is the case, what are you really fighting for in your divorce?  What would happen if you focused on what would make you happy instead of fighting over money?  How much time, and therefore money, would you save by focusing on happiness?  Being a divorce coach, I know it is difficult to see your way out when happiness feels like a far away, distant thing. I also know that it is right there waiting for you. You just need to want it. The Law of Attraction says that the universe sends you what you focus on the most. So, if you focus on your hurt, anger and pain, the universe will bring you more. If you focus on your fear that you won’t have money, then that is what the universe will give you. So, focus on yourself. Focus on happiness, so that the universe makes it easier for you to get there. Paint a mental picture of yourself happy. Be that person. Happiness is more important than money and will be with you for a lot longer after your divorce.

When I finally told my family, friends and acquaintances that I was getting divorced, almost universally, everyone responded by saying how sorry they were.

And I have to admit that my immediate reaction to that was less than stellar. I was secretly offended and pretty ticked off. Why should they be sorry about my divorce?  The majority of these people didn’t know why I was getting divorced and they didn’t bother to ask. Very few of them actually raised their hand to ask how they could help. And interestingly enough, those people that found out about my divorce, without having had a conversation with me, avoided me entirely. There are still supposed “friends” of mine today, well after my divorce, who haven’t asked about my divorce or how I am doing now that it is over.

And it seems my experience is not unique. Through my separation and divorce coaching practice, I hear similar stories from my clients about friends that quietly disappear once the subject of divorce is on the table. So clearly, this phenomena is larger than just me and my own saboteurs who want me to take this personally. So, what is really going on here?  My personal theory is that everyone has saboteurs, who feed us negative assumptions and perceptions about divorce.

Divorce Is Failure

In the U.S., marriage is an integral part of the American Dream. Regardless of the reality that 40% – 50% of first-time marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, it is a subject that most people don’t want to talk about (unless you are a divorce attorney). The idealization of marriage in this country has led to an unconscious perception that divorce equals failure. And no one wants to be associated with failure. When people say “I’m sorry you’re getting divorced,” it can easily be interpreted as “I’m sorry you failed at your marriage.” I’m sure that that interpretation is not what people really mean, but when you are in your divorce, with your saboteurs running wild, it can sure feel that way.  And even if that interpretation is not what people meant, it doesn’t mean it isn’t in their subconscious somewhere.

Divorce is Bad

Another assumption people tend to have is that divorce is bad. It is a huge generalization, but most people still think of divorce as two fighting parents who battle it out in court and scar their children for life. Just watch Kramer vs. Kramer once and you’ll know what I mean. People don’t want to get involved in what they think will be a long, drawn-out emotional battle. They assume that the outcome of divorce will be bad for all concerned and they don’t want to be caught in the cross-fire. And of course, the media doesn’t help since you hardly hear stories about the benefits of divorce.

Divorce is Scary

Based on these negative perceptions of divorce, most people find the idea of divorce personally frightening. They already associate divorce with being bad, being a failure – so what does that mean if it happens to them? When confronted with divorce, their saboteurs come out to poke at all the things that aren’t working in their own marriage. Fear and insecurity about themselves make it too difficult to be around someone getting divorced. It is too close. People are afraid of what they don’t really know. And since they don’t really know about divorce, they avoid it … and you.

Let’s Shift the Perspective

Divorce is not a failure. Divorce is not bad. Divorce might be unpleasant, but it doesn’t have to be scary. There is no shame here. Divorce is just a reality when two people decide to walk down different paths. And it doesn’t have to be the horror story people paint of it in their minds. In today’s world, far fewer divorces actually go to trial due to mediation and collaborative law. In the case of mediation, divorcing couples work with a mediator to craft a Separation Agreement. If they can’t come to an agreement, then they can both hire divorce attorneys as a second step to help with the negotiation. With Collaborative Law, divorcing couples make a commitment not to go to trial from the very beginning. They work with a mediator and professional therapists or coaches for as long as it takes to arrive at a final agreement. So, the trend these days is to avoid the time, money and stress associated with a trial as much as possible. I’m not saying it is a picnic, but it is far better than it used to be. As a result, divorcing couples are far better at co-parenting and creating stable family structures than ever before. Who knew, right?

Clearly, divorce needs a PR makeover. We need to shift the perspective. We need to remove all the negative connotations. Why should two people stay together when they are miserable? Why should two people stay together when they could lead better, more fulfilling lives separately? Divorce is an opportunity to reinvent your life. Divorce can motivate personal growth and empowerment.  And as a parent, you can have a better, more honest, relationship with your children if you are actually happy in your life. We are not defined by our past, and as a society, we need to let go of past perceptions about divorce that no longer serve us.

Everyone has the best intentions when they get married.

Couples share their dreams for building a life together through love and partnership. But life doesn’t always work that way. There are so many reasons why couples get divorced – infidelity, incompatibility, addiction, abuse, loss of love – and when they do, there is a lot more to deal with than just the divorce itself.

Everyone knows that divorce can be expensive. But unless you’ve experienced it, it is difficult to understand the true cost of divorce — not just on your pocketbook — but on your identity, your children and your way of life. A divorce is all-encompassing and will change your life forever. And what are you really buying? That’s up to you. Based on how you choose to deal with it, divorce can be a crushing or a transformative experience.

Your Identity Is Gone

Divorce is the loss of the most important relationship in your life. It is the loss of your identity as part of a married couple. And it is the loss of the dream you had around what your life would be like. When you decide to separate and get divorced, everything you thought you knew and relied on is gone. Suddenly, you are cast at sea with no sense of direction. You are angry, hurt, confused, and fearful. You need to grieve for what has been lost, but eventually you have to acknowledge that it was broken, so you can move on … so, you can find a new path. You have a choice. The real you, your authentic self, is still there. Find that person again. Explore who you are now and who you want to be. Fill the empty space that is left behind with new clarity and purpose around who you are and what you want for yourself, your family and your life.

The Relationship You Had With Your Children Is Gone

Divorce conjures up our worst fears of broken homes and damaged children.  There is a huge stress and anxiety that comes with separation and divorce – for you and your children.  Children thrive on structure and routine.  So, with separation and divorce, the familiar family structure has changed. One parent is no longer living at home and divorce means a whole new routine, depending on the parenting plan. Additionally, divorce might mean a move to a different town or city, in which case the children might need to adapt to a whole new school. Children’s worst fear is that their parents will disappear. And our worst fears as parents, is that our actions are causing irreparable damage to our children. All of the transitions associated with separation and divorce will change your relationship with your children forever. You have a choice. If you and your ex choose to put your children first throughout the divorce, you can actually make your relationship with them better.  Regardless of the divorce, you are still a family and always will be.  Reinforce that idea with your children as frequently as possible and treat every moment with them as a gift. While a co-parenting plan takes some getting used to, it forces you to prioritize the time you do have with your children to make it the best you can. Quality wins over quantity every time … and kids know it. The greatest gift you can give your children is to be present with them. Let go of your guilt when it comes to the divorce and your children. Be confident that they will be getting the best of you as a happier parent.  Believe that divorce does not have to destroy your family, unless you let it. Children are resilient and they know when you are being honest and sincere.  There will definitely be bumps in the road, but show your children that you aren’t going anywhere and that you will always love them regardless of the circumstances. The bonds you create with them now will be stronger than ever before.

Your Way of Life Is Gone

With separation and divorce, the life you once knew is gone. You are no longer a couple. You no longer have a dual income. You no longer have a clear financial future. Not only is your bank account on life support, but you are probably in a heap of legal debt.  As I mentioned previously, divorce is expensive. It costs as much in legal fees to get divorced as it does to get married – in the range of $20,000 – $30,000, with variability based on your individual circumstances.  Depending upon your situation, you might get alimony and/or child support … or you might have to pay it out.  The child support calculator (at least in my state) is based on discrepancy in income.  With a higher percentage of women out-earning their spouses these days, you might need to pay your ex child support, even with 50/50 shared custody.  Your assets are divided, so you have less. Your retirement accounts are equalized, so you have less.  It is unlikely you have the money to buy your ex out of the house, so you will have to sell it – and with divided equity, you have less to buy a new house (never mind something comparable). You are starting over, sometimes with less than you were married with.  It is frustrating and demoralizing being back to square one after so much hard work.

So, let’s shift your perspective. You have a choice. You are starting over – with less baggage (literally and figuratively), less financial pressure (from having to pay for the old house and car) and less compromise in every part of your life. You decide your next steps. You decide where you want to live. Quality time with your children brings them closer to you than ever before.  And acknowledgement of your authentic self gives you clarity and purpose. You’ve made money before the divorce and you will make it again after – but your priorities have changed and regardless of your finances, you recognize that your relationships – with your children and yourself – are far more important.

So, what you really buying with your divorce?

Freedom.  

There is no question that going through a divorce is rough. Like Alice down the rabbit hole, up is down, right is left, and you don’t know how long the drop is, let alone how you will survive the landing. But you do. The people who are succeeding most at divorce are those that are resilient in the face of change and embrace the opportunity to transform their lives. Personal growth can only be achieved through challenge – and divorce is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter.

Initially, success feels like a far-fetched goal for most people going through a divorce. Sheer survival seems more realistic. Faced with the loss of your most important relationship, you are vulnerable and alone in analyzing what went wrong and grieving for the loss of what you thought you had. You question everything.  How did I get here? What will happen to me?  What will my life look like moving forward?  To make things worse, you have to struggle with the endless, uncontrollable legal process that provides little, if any, emotional support. And the enormous scale of change that comes with divorce is overwhelming and opens the doors to your worst fears and insecurities.

Those voices are your inner critics who create fear, uncertainty, rage, resentment, jealousy, and panic. They fuel the fire of your most negative emotions to keep you in a place of reaction and doubt. They rob you of your strength and self-esteem. They keep you stuck in a story about your past. They distract you from focusing on yourself by keeping you absorbed in the anger, fear and pain from your ex. They create such a fearful vision of the future that some people choose not to move forward at all, rather than face their fear of the unknown.  These inner critics will not serve you. Ultimately, they will sabotage you at every turn in the divorce process, if you let them. So, how do you succeed at divorce?

Silence Your Inner Critics

Acknowledge them.  Notice what they say most often. Notice how they make you feel. You know these are saboteur voices when they only instill fear and doubt. You know these are saboteur voices when the only future they paint for you is terrifying and bleak.  What do they know?  You might actually win the lottery someday. They don’t know you and what you’ve accomplished in your life.  So, why are you listening? Once you know your saboteurs, you don’t have to react mindlessly to everything they say. You have a choice. Once you recognize your saboteurs, you can see how silly and ridiculous they really are.

Identify What You Want

You can’t get what you want until you know what it is. And in a divorce, not knowing what you want leaves you in a completely disempowered position. While the legal process is pretty much out of your control, you can maximize the probability of getting what you want if you have clarity and purpose.  A clear vision of what is most important to you, now and in the future, will guide you in your decision-making. It will help you negotiate for a better result.  It will put your best interests front and center, while you leave your disempowering past behind.  It will make your saboteurs weak. It will help you move forward to transform your life into what you want it to be.

Honor Your Values

Separation and divorce can leave you untethered and rudderless as you adjust to being alone. Your individual identity was so subsumed by who you were as a married couple that it takes some self-exploration to identify who you are now and who you want to be in the future. It is important, early in this process, to identify your core values – such as integrity, family, achievement, and contribution – since it is these values that drive how you think and act. It is also important to recognize that your core values are unique to you. Often we make big assumptions that others share our values, when in fact they don’t. They are living life by a whole different rule book. Knowing your core values is essential since it gives you insight into yourself and what is most important to you.  And it is important to know that when your core values aren’t being honored, by you or someone else, you will feel miserable.  You can’t control your ex’s actions. You can’t control the legal process. You can’t control the repercussions of divorce on your life. But you can control yourself. By honoring your core values every day, and throughout this process, you will have assurance that you are making the decisions that are right for you. You will have confidence knowing that you are always true to yourself in your behavior and actions. You will know that you did your best. You will have conviction that your situation doesn’t define you. And you will have faith and hope that your life will be better than it ever was before.

Divorce challenges you to have the courage to step forward, to face your fears and move forward anyway.  You have one life on this earth and it is your responsibility to live it as best you can. No excuses.  And this is your opportunity to take the reins and create a new life for yourself – one that is far more empowering and fulfilling than the one you are leaving behind.