Tag: cDivorce coach

Learn How To Get What You Want In The Tricky Divorce Process

Divorce is many things … a loss of partnership, a legal dissolution of a marriage contract, a transformation … but one thing it is not is easy. As a divorce coach and mediator, I witness far too many women stumble blindly through this process, go to battle or get beaten down as if this were war … and still not get what they want from it. Universally, the baggage women choose to bring with them on this journey includes fear and expectation. And all those fears and expectations create a platform of scarcity. How can you get what you want from that? You can’t. You are sabotaging yourself. You set yourself up for failure right from the get go. And that platform of scarcity will distract you away from what you need most in this process: knowledge, clarity and confidence. So, how do you get those things?

There are 3 key steps to creating a better divorce:

1. Lead

Divorce is frightening. You are leaving the relative safety of what you know and leaping off a cliff … not knowing how far the drop is or what’s below you. It is literally a leap of faith … and fundamentally a leap of faith in yourself and your ability to create something better. Divorce is an opportunity to step into your power and lead in this process. Only you can decide what you want. Only you can make crucial decisions that will impact the rest of your life. It’s tempting to think that your lawyer will shepherd you through this process and get you what you want. That isn’t their job though. Their job is to give you your legal options and represent your position in court. You still have to make all of the decisions. And the sooner you embrace that opportunity, the better this process will be for you.

2. Prepare

There are three primary aspects of divorce … the emotional, legal and financial. And all three are connected.  Your emotional state will impact your decisions in the legal process and what you walk away with financially. And the way to move forward with clarity, confidence and courage … and not fear, doubt and anger … is to get prepared. Do your homework. Consult as many attorneys as possible. Interview mediators. Learn about the legal process of divorce. Ask about typical outcomes in cases like yours.  Pull together all of your financial statements and tax returns for the last three years. If you don’t know what documents you need or the steps to take, use my Divorce Toolkit. Knowledge is power! Moving forward from a knowledgeable position gives you the foundation for knowing what you want in this divorce and how you can negotiate for it. AND since time is money in the divorce process, you’ll be getting through your divorce faster and with more money in your pocket, not a lawyer’s!

3. Be More Attached To The Life You Want Versus The One You’re Leaving Behind

It’s tempting to live in the past, fueled by anger, resentment and betrayed expectations, but it won’t serve you. Why? You aren’t powerful there. You can’t change what happened. What you can change is your perspective of what happened. Your story around the past either makes you the victim or the heroine. One perspective gives you power and the other takes it away. One unlocks the door to your present and future, while the other shackles you to an unfulfilling past. Which do you choose? If you can’t let go of the past in this process, you will stay stuck emotionally, legally and financially. The way to truly succeed in divorce is to choose a powerful perspective now … because every decision you make today, however small or large, creates the future you live in tomorrow. That statement is hugely powerful … if you truly own it. And you have to be able to imagine what you want your future to be. Otherwise, how will you be able to negotiate an agreement that helps you create it? Keep your eyes on the prize and let that imagined future guide you through this process and into the life you’ve always wanted.

Divorce feels like an out of control freight train … but you have more power than you realize to impact your experience and the outcome. It all starts with you and what you are choosing. What you believe about yourself will impact your experience, your decisions and the life you create. So, leave your baggage behind, step into your leadership and trust that you can have what you want.

You believed marriage was 50/50 … and it wasn’t. So, why do you think your divorce will be?

I know you. You’re smart. You’re persistent. You’re goal-oriented. You’ve worked hard your whole life. You worked hard at school … to create more opportunity for yourself. You worked hard to get that right job … when your peers were still trying to find themselves. You worked hard to climb the corporate ladder … overcoming challenge after challenge. You’ve made your career a priority … because you’ve always known that the way to move up was always to move forward. How do I know you? I was you. I spent 20 years in Corporate America before becoming a divorce coach … so, from that perspective and that of my clients, I have something very important to tell you.

The system is rigged against you.  And as a professional woman, it’s rigged against you even more than anyone else. Why? You mistakenly believe you’re on an equal playing field. You haven’t been. Not in your career. Not in your marriage. Not in your divorce. 50/50 doesn’t actually exist in life. And if you insist on acting like it does, it will f*ck you in three, very clear ways:

1. You F*ck Yourself

You bought into the idea you can earn an equal place in your career through hard work, drive and persistence. You’re proud of your ability to get shit done. You believe that you can change the playing field … you can control the circumstances … you can manipulate the outcome. You believe that your ability to control everything around you is the very foundation of your success. It isn’t. For all of your hard work, you get paid less, receive less recognition and are promoted less than your male peers. Regardless of what you do, Corporate America is rigged against you. And guess what? The minute you stepped outside traditional gender roles, your marriage was rigged against you as well. Why? The very characteristics that contribute to your success at work are the same ones that sabotage your marriage. Who does everything in your marriage? You do … because you believe your inherent value is defined by what you do. And there’s a double standard that says you’re supposed to. You’re bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan and never letting him forget he’s a man … because you’re the one who gets shit done, right? That’s not 50/50 … that’s exhausting. You’ve achieved success by working a lot harder than everyone else, including your husband … but at what cost?

Hard Truth: People treat you the way you treat you … and that includes your husband, your lawyer, a judge. You can’t control the divorce process. It can’t be made into what you want through hard work and sheer force of will. Success is about shifting your focus away from him … to get centered in you. It’s about creating boundaries that reinforce and support the real you. Only when you achieve a measure of control over yourself, can you influence what happens around you. And if you don’t start playing your own game in your divorce, you truly will f*ck yourself.

2. Success F*cks You

You’re not like other women. Focusing on your career has given you achievement, independence and financial control. You’ve never “depended” on a man. So, you’re not very afraid of divorce. To you, it’s just another challenge in a long list of challenges you always overcome. And unlike other women, you have the money to hire a great lawyer to protect you. At the very least, everything will get split 50/50, right? Wrong. Yes, the court wants 50/50 agreements, but it doesn’t mean what you think. It doesn’t mean that you and your husband split joint assets in half and each take away 50%. What really happens is all of your hard-earned assets (which you likely think are solely yours) are combined with all of his assets. Your combined assets are then equalized … meaning that whoever has more … either you or your ex … gives more … so that you are each walking away with the same amount. If you’re bringing home all the bacon … then you’ll be losing a lot of it in your divorce.  And it doesn’t end there. You might owe him alimony for several years. And if you have children together, then you’ll be paying him child support … even with 50/50 custody. Now, you have to work really hard. You have no choice. There’s no getting off the hamster wheel now that a precedent has been set in court around your ability to make money (i.e., your capacity).

Hard Truth: You’ve busted ass in your career to get where you are now. You’ve been successful regardless of unequal pay, unequal opportunity, unequal recognition. And yet, if you earn more than your husband, you’re the financial loser in divorce. The system f*cks you because of your success … so be smart, pick your battles and stay true to you. You’ll lose money in your divorce, but you can minimize the damage by avoiding costly delays and unnecessary legal fees. It means you need to show up, be present and unleash your kick ass power in this process. And remember … freedom is priceless, right?

3. Failure F*cks You

Divorce is a common occurrence with almost half of the population dissolving their marriage contracts. Yet, there is an underlying belief that divorce equals failure … for you, not your husband. Why? Traditional gender roles applaud men for professional success, without any regard for their personal lives. Think Donald Trump, Sumner Redstone, Larry Ellison … all famous, successful businessmen who’ve been divorced at least twice. Yet, no one considers them failures. No one equates their divorce with who they are. The same isn’t true for women. if your marriage isn’t working, it hasn’t failed … you have. You are the failure. It’s supposed to be your responsibility, so it must be your fault.  That stigma of failure doesn’t just punch you in the gut during your very personal divorce … it also becomes a black mark that gets carried into your professional life.  And that black mark will f*ck you … if you internalize it. If you believe that you are a failure … you will make it true. And that belief will hijack your confidence, effectiveness and future opportunity. You’ll find yourself falling down … or off … the corporate ladder. So, don’t let that happen. Don’t believe divorce equals failure. As the exception that proves the rule, Zsa Zsa Gabor was divorced many times and was still a successful businesswoman. Her secret to success? She never internalized divorce as failure. Instead, she used it to her advantage. And so can you. Choose what you want to believe. Apply your professional strengths to this process. And use your divorce as an opportunity to deepen and grow those strengths into a more meaningful, authentic leadership that serves you in every part of your life.

Hard Truth: It’s a matter of perspective. You can believe that divorce is failure … and create that. Or, you can believe that divorce is opportunity for transformation … and create that. The first perspective makes you a victim. You’re not that. I know you, remember? You’re a fighter. So, choose the second perspective. Use your divorce as a springboard into greater opportunity, transformation and leadership. Don’t wait for an outcome to be handed to you … create the outcome you want.

Everything you thought you were doing right will be used against you in your divorce. It’s unfair. Life is unfair. The court system is unfair. Succeeding in this process is not about working hard or doing more or depending on your lawyer. The key to success … in your life, this divorce and your career … is to change your mindset, connect to your strengths and make decisions based on what’s most important to you, not anyone else. You are not defined by your divorce. You are not defined by what you do. You are not defined by gender roles. You are not defined by what others think. You choose what defines you. When you do that, nothing can f*ck you.

Leave the fear and intimidation behind to focus on what’s most important.

I’ll call her Janet. She spent years of her life married to a man who used emotional abuse to control her. When she had her epiphany and filed for divorce, he threatened her and swore he would take everything that she cherished, including custody of her children. Even after getting a restraining order against him, she was being stalked and intimidated by his wide circle of friends. And she was forced to leave her church where the pastor regularly preached that a wife’s duty was always to support her husband without question. She had to move out of her house in the middle of the night.  She was terrified every time she had to go to court. She was terrified that her ex would succeed in taking her children away. She was convinced that his power and influence and money would ensure it. She had no voice.

Janet is not alone. As a divorce coach, I hear many stories of women, and sometimes men, who are in controlling relationships. After years of emotional abuse, it’s difficult to see the intimidation, the manipulation. And the basis for this control is to keep you in doubt, insecurity and inadequacy. Your entire existence is focused on trying to make him happy or trying to avoid the next conflict – all of which you can never succeed at.  And you lose yourself. You lose who you are, trying to be what you think you “should” be. You lose yourself in a constant focus on him. And this kind of hyper-vigilance is exhausting. And like Janet, you suddenly have an epiphany that your partner who was supposed to love and cherish you until death do us part has become a very real saboteur in your life.

Finding the courage to leave an emotionally abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. And finding yourself and your voice in this divorce process is crucial to getting what you want … and what you deserve.  It can feel impossible … but it isn’t with the right help and perspective.

Get Help

I started working with Janet in the middle of her divorce.  Through coaching, she found herself again. She discovered parts of herself she thought were long gone. She found her strength, her wisdom and her voice. She gained clarity around what was most important to her and a vision of having everything she wanted. And she finally started to believe she could have it. And then she was thrown into an intense 4-day negotiation to settle her divorce. She used the tools and structures from coaching to focus on what she wanted. She refused to be intimidated. She walked out with everything she wanted, including custody of her children. You don’t have to do this alone. Get the right help so that you can learn to be you again. You don’t have to be a victim in life or in this process. It’s never too late to start putting yourself in a better position.

Focus on YOU

After years of focusing so intensely on your ex, it can be challenging to shift your focus back to you. You need to though so that you can live a fulfilling life. I’ve heard all the self-limiting beliefs  and excuses. You resist focusing on yourself because it feels selfish or undeserved or scary. You’re afraid that if you look at yourself you won’t like what you see.  You’re ashamed that you fall so far short of his expectations and you’re ashamed that you’ve compromised yourself so much.  It’s a no-win catch-22 situation. But that is all in the past now and you are powerless to change it. What you can do is ditch the fear and excuses. Focus on what you love about yourself. Bring your strength and courage and wisdom into focus. Be your authentic self and create a vision of what you want in the future. If you don’t treat yourself with love and respect, why should anyone else? And if you don’t consider yourself important, who will in this divorce process? You need to know who you are and what you want, so you can ask for it in this divorce. You need to own who you are.  You have all the resources you need inside yourself. You just need to find them again.

Do What You’ll Be Proud Of

What would it feel like if you only did what you’d be proud of later? It’s freedom — from compromise, shame and doubt. It’s relief – from having to maintain a façade all the time. It’s achievement – at finally being your authentic self.  It’s confidence – that you’re doing the right thing.So, do what you’ll be proud of – always.  And apply this rule to every decision you make in this divorce process – and there will be a lot of them!  Apply this rule so that you never have to regret anything you do or anything you decide. You’ll be honoring your authentic self and your values. And it will feel fantastic!

You can’t control you ex. And your ex can’t control you. Only you can control you. And it’s important to realize that his intimidation and manipulation can’t touch you if you are focused on living and acting from your values. You don’t need to spend any more time or energy focused on what he may or may not do. You need to focus on yourself so that you can be proud of who you are. Model that behavior for everyone around you, including your children, and they’ll be proud of you too. Now is the time to find your voice and use it to move forward with confidence.