Leadership is too often defined from a male perspective based on power and status. It excludes other styles of leadership and women, in particular. And ultimately, any definition of leadership that is exclusionary is an oxymoron by nature. Leadership is universal, not well-defined, misunderstood, and an opportunity for women to show up and stand out in their true power. Listen to my talk, learn my perspective, and post your feedback below!
I want women to lead with confidence and power. And I mean really lead, not copycat lead from the male-driven “dominance and hierarchy” definition. Female leadership requires women to feel authentic, present, and passionate in order to stand out with confidence and to show up in their power. And it is only through our personal, professional, and financial empowerment, we can, as women, create our own equality and equity. Given the lessons learned from the Women’s Movement in the 1970’s, equality and equity won’t be given to us and it won’t be created merely by women uniting together. Do More, Look Better is how we are divided. It’s a hamster wheel telling us our hard work will get us where we want to be, when in reality, it is using our hard work to sustain itself and keep us exactly where we are, with the implied and underlying fear that we’re not good enough and have to prove ourselves. Fear is a powerful motivator. And women can’t feel authentic, present, and passionate to lead when it still feels unsafe to stand out.
The Women’s Movement opened the doors of Corporate America to women, but it didn’t move the needle very much on equality and equity. It led us to believe that equal work would mean equal pay, equal status, and equal opportunity. It hasn’t. We’re told to work harder. It led us to believe that financial independence would mean equal responsibilities at home. It doesn’t. We’re told men never signed up for that. It led us to believe we would be safe. We aren’t. When have we ever been? And yet, we don’t want to believe it. We don’t want to see ourselves that way. So, we turn a blind eye.
Do More, Look Better exists for two simple reasons. It serves the current, male-defined system we live in and it tells us what we want to hear. If female equality, equity or safety were important in this system, positive change would happen to make it so. It clearly isn’t and so, it hasn’t. Don’t believe me? In the United States today, there are 4 mandatory car safety tests. Female crash test dummies aren’t required in any of them. If only our lives were worth more than the almighty dollar! And beliefs about women, our roles and our worth, are still defined within this system based on our bodies and appearance. And those beliefs are embedded in, reinforced by, and proven in our culture, religion, society, pay stubs, tax codes, media, movies and magazines, families and relationships, and even in our words and language. We consciously and subconsciously receive, absorb, internalize, and actualize those beliefs telling us what we have to be and do for success and safety (which are really two sides of the same coin.) That carrot looks really good, but in reality, it’s a stick that keeps us from success and safety. Systemic gaslighting keeps telling us it’s a carrot though. So, we believe it. We’ve all been brainwashed.
On the hamster wheel of Do More, Look Better, you have to do more than everyone else to prove your worth and look better than other women doing it. It tells you – you don’t have a choice. Go along to get along. Don’t rock the boat. Do what everyone else does. Safety in numbers, right? It tells you – you have to crush those deadlines, follow the rules, and go the extra mile. And now hard work and sacrifice are expected of you. It tells you – you have to wear a skirt or a dress to be feminine – but keep your legs closed – because if you get raped, it will because of what you choose to wear that day. It’s your fault. It tells you – you have to keep juggling all the plates all the time. It tells you … you have to be perfect – even though that’s impossible – so, you have to, at the very least, look perfect – so, you have to post meticulously posed, smiling pictures of you and your family on social media. It tells you – you have to make birthday and holidays, like Christmas, magical for everyone. Who does that for you? No one. And what have you achieved? You haven’t proven yourself. You’ve minimized yourself. Now, you’ve taken on all the responsibility, along with the consequence and cost. And it tells you – you chose this and you only have yourself to blame.
We’re told traditional beliefs about women don’t exist in today’s world. So, how do I know women aren’t equal, don’t have equity, and are still minimized and unsafe?
The evidence is clear. What’s old is new again because it never went away. Women are meant to be controlled because men can’t control themselves. Our financial independence has led to a backlash where the few rights women do have are being rolled back – based on our bodies. Rising toxic masculinity is OK because clearly, women have “emasculated” men. It’s our fault. And if we’re treated badly, assaulted, or murdered, it’s still our fault. Do More, Look Better convinces us to make our lives harder to make everyone else’s easier. It convinces us to keep buying to make corporations more money. It convinces us to keep bankrupting ourselves and our future. Those corporations are making record profits because they pay us less and charge us more. Women are literally fueling the economy. This system relies on us being complicit and complacent. And it wouldn’t work without us.
And yet, where there is challenge, there is opportunity. With awareness, each of us can do the inner work to release those beliefs, define our inherent worth and our authentic value for ourselves, and unite in our individual power. Collectively, we have the power in numbers and the purchasing power, not to change the system, but to create whatever system we want; one that values, embraces and prioritizes the quality of life over money. We are fundamentally connected and interdependent, so why don’t we live that way? Until we reach that tipping point though, I will keep working with women to define and create success on their own terms; to confidently show up, stand out, play by their own rules and make bank – one small step at a time – with authenticity, presence and passion.
I’ll Never Forget.
Like most other children, I was bullied throughout my early school years. Being small for my age, I was an easy target. And in 3rd grade, I went through an especially bad year of being picked on by one boy in particular. He would seek me out on the playground, grab me by my long hair and swing me around. Even when I tried to hide from him, he would always find me. I would go home crying every afternoon … until I finally told my mother what was happening. I had hoped she would save me. I had hoped she would make it stop. She didn’t. She laughed. She thought it was funny. And she told me this was a sign the boy liked me … as if I should be happy or proud of it.
She Was.
This was the first time I really understood that, as a girl, I was supposed to compromise myself to accommodate a boy.
It felt like a slap in the face to realize no one cared how I felt. My voice didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. I was supposed to feel lucky to receive male attention, even if it was negative. The messages I received from my mother, other girls and the world around me was that I needed to be liked. And to be liked, I had to be good … quiet … polite … not cause any fuss … do what I was told … don’t gain weight … smile … look pretty (so a nice boy will ask me out) … never argue … get good grades, but don’t expect much … and certainly, don’t achieve anything (because that will scare boys off).
I wasn’t supposed to be myself. I wasn’t allowed to choose who I wanted to be. It was already pre-determined. The standard was already set … and I was expected to squeeze myself into the tiny box others had built. Success was looking and acting like Barbie. And if I didn’t? Then, clearly, I wasn’t good enough … smart enough … pretty enough.
I Wasn’t Enough.
It’s hard not to internalize those messages, especially when we are bombarded by perfect, manufactured images in magazines and commercials showing us how we are supposed to look … and telling us that how we look is the most important thing about us. Once you buy into that mindset, you’re already behind the eight ball. You’re always struggling to catch up to all those other women who are smarter, prettier, better. And you’re willing to step on the backs of other women to get there. This is how women are divided. From my early playground experience, I learned not to trust other girls, other women, my mother. I was alone. Divide and conquer works every time. And we are all complicit. I never considered myself a mean girl growing up, but I’m sure there were other girls on that playground who would disagree.
When we are made powerless through degradation, bullying and abuse, we turn on each other to assert some measure of control in our world. And by internalizing those negative messages, we are powerless. We’ve allowed the outside world to tell us who to be and what to do. We’ve allowed it to define our value in the world, rather than defining it for ourselves. And for what? We compromise ourselves so that men can feel comfortable. Men can feel powerful. Men can be in control. Isn’t it ironic? Women are meant to be controlled in a world that makes excuses for men who can’t control themselves.
I’ll Never Forget.
When I was a teenager, my mother told me I was lucky. She said, regardless of any physical or mental abuse I might have experienced … I was lucky it wasn’t sexual. Wow. Apparently, it was only luck that saved me from that kind of abuse. Apparently, I wouldn’t be able to save myself in that situation. It would have been out of my control. I would be a victim. I would be transformed from virgin to whore in just one stroke. And again, none of it would actually have anything to do with me.
I Hadn’t Realized Before That Some Forms Of Abuse Are More Acceptable Than Others.
Sex has always been at the heart of feminism … because sex is the foundation from which we have been minimized. Religious doctrine. Societal beliefs. Political policy. All intertwined to define women’s value based purely on our bodies. Sex and childbirth. Helen Gurley Brown published Sex and The Single Girl in 1962. Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique in 1963. And Gloria Steinem was right on her heels with A Bunny’s Tale. Feminism was a movement whose time had finally come in an age when a woman couldn’t get a credit card on her own, take the pill or go to an Ivy League school. In the world my mother grew up in, women were considered the “weaker sex.” We were meant to be dependent on our fathers and husbands, regardless of the type of care they gave us. My mother grew up in an abusive household, so why would my experience be any different?
I Guess I’m Just Lucky.
Feminism was a rallying cry to break free from that control and abuse. It opened the door to freedom, independence and opportunity. It addressed the huge economic, social and political disparity that existed between the sexes. Feminism was a promise of equality, choice and power for all women. Ten years later in 1973, Roe v. Wade was a huge victory in granting women’s right to choose abortion. These victories gave us control over our own bodies. They allowed us to reject the traditional labels of virgin-whore-mother that were imposed upon us. There was finally opportunity to choose our own path. These were hard-won victories we shouldn’t forget or let go.
Growing up in the ’70s and ’80s was confusing. I was witness to a major societal shift where women were breaking traditions and boundaries (if not glass ceilings) through feminism. I read about women rising up in solidarity to help us all. It was a beacon of hope that maybe the world could be different than the one I knew. Yet, I never experienced any solidarity in my own house. I heard about women entering the workforce more than ever before to play ball with the guys and finally prove that we are just as good as they are, if not better.
Yet, That Type Of Ambition Was Never Supported In My Own House.
I desperately wanted to believe in the feminist ideal, but the conflicting messages were incessant … at home, on TV and at the news stand. Mary Tyler Moore wasn’t playing Dick Van Dyke’s wife anymore … she had her own show as a single woman working as a TV news producer. Right on! But then, we had the woman in the Enjoli commercial. She had to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan … all the while looking super sexy … to make sure he doesn’t forget he’s a man. Wait … what? How he feels is still our responsibility? All the top models on the runway and in magazines were 6 feet tall and looked nothing like the women I saw around me. And they certainly didn’t look like me. Fast forward to today where we live in a world of negative clothing sizes. Do you know anyone who is a size 00? What other evidence of female minimization do we need?
All these messages, even the feminist ones, were still telling me who I had to be, regardless of what I wanted. Through all that confusion though, I still believed in the feminist vision. And I assumed that all women must want to be feminists. How could we not want equal rights? How could we not want to finally feel powerful? Just because we say we are equal though, doesn’t mean it’s true. And when we’re told the same story over and over again, it becomes true. Fake news. I understand now that the feminist movement left my mother’s generation behind … and left me not knowing what was real. How can we ever be united when the feminist platform rests on such shaky ground?
In my mid-20’s, I was one of only two women that worked in a mid-sized design company. We put up with a lot of lewd humor and school boy antics, but that was par for the course back then, right? On one Wednesday afternoon, everyone had gone out to lunch, except me. I grabbed a quick bite and was back at my desk well before anyone came back. I thought I was alone in the office. I wasn’t. There, in the glass-walled conference room, was one of the contractors, watching porn on the conference room television, while masturbating into a gym bag on the floor. He casually saw me looking at him … and jerked off faster. Shock. Confusion. Fear. Fear of what would happen, if I said anything. Fear of what would happen, if I didn’t.
I’ll Never Forget.
I decided to tell our managing director what had happened when he was back in the office two days later. I nervously knocked on the door, went in and told him I needed to tell him something that was very difficult. He told me to sit down and spit it out. So, I did. He looked at me and then leaned over, put both of his hands on either side of my bare thigh and told me … “when men get older, they have certain needs.” Wow. I don’t remember the rest, because it didn’t matter. He didn’t care. And it was very clear that the contractor’s inappropriate behavior was more acceptable than my objection to it. I stopped wearing skirts to work.
Men Wonder Why We Don’t Speak Up.
There are plenty of other times when I didn’t say anything … being grabbed, groped or told that I was a bitch for not capitulating to sexual advances. Or there was that time in college with one very persistent guy. My girlfriends couldn’t understand why I kept turning him down. They kept saying … he likes you, so why not just go out with him? I guess I was supposed to feel lucky to have someone like me. Anyway, he found his opportunity. I was at a party with my friends and had too much to drink. I assumed I was safe. I assumed my friends would protect me. They didn’t. Why not let him take me away? He liked me. And that was reason enough. I forgot … I am alone.
Women Have To Define Safety Differently Than Men.
Men expect us to compromise ourselves for them. It’s our fault when we do … and it’s our fault when we don’t. Feminism was supposed to release us from that responsibility. Feminism was supposed to have been our ticket to freedom, where we define who we are and our value to the world. That didn’t happen. Instead, we ended up in a different box. It might be slightly bigger than the old one … but it’s still a box. And feminism has become a dirty word. Fewer and fewer women are choosing to identify themselves as feminists these days. Feminism got turned into militancy even though we are not soldiers going to war.
My theory about what happened is that the feminist movement created change … but not enough change. White men opened the door to jobs in Corporate America and women declared victory. Now, we get to play on the same playing field. We won!
We Gave Up Too Soon.
What looked like capitulation towards equal opportunity was actually a scam … an illusion … a trick. It was always still their playing field … with their rules. We stopped fighting for women’s rights as soon as we thought we had a seat at the table. In reality, we were too busy running between the kitchen and the board room to ever really sit down. We charged into our power to prove our worth as working women. We had to prove it … because we knew the world still didn’t believe it. Hell, we didn’t even believe it. And in turn, we assumed men would step up on the home front in the same way we were in the world of work. Isn’t that the equal thing to do? They didn’t agree to that though. And for the most part, they haven’t.
In today’s world, we like to paint a rosy picture of stay-at-home dads who are asserting their rights to be caregivers at home. Yeah! Applause to them for stepping up! Really? I never got any applause for going to work. I never got any applause for having babies and getting back to work in 10 weeks, while still breastfeeding. And I was told I was lucky to have any time off at all. No one in the USA … the greatest country on Earth … is entitled to maternity leave (another shining example of social and political policy designed to keep women in check). And, in my marriage at least, being a stay-at-home dad didn’t carry the same responsibilities as being a stay-at-home mom. My (now ex-) husband was a stay-at-home dad for 7 years (that’s code for unemployed). He made sure my kids didn’t die, but beyond that, he refused to cook, clean, take them on a playdate or give them a bath. Why? In his words … because he didn’t have to. And, I do.
And After All This … I Am Still A Feminist.
The feminist vision is still powerful, regardless of how we lost ourselves in the execution. So, what will it take to finally achieve equality and equity? We need to stop listening to our fear and self-doubt. We need to stop spending money on anything that profits from our fear and self-doubt. We need to stop accepting anyone or anything that makes us feel less than. We need to run for office and put a woman in the White House. We need to put women in positions of power within our legal system, major corporations and Wall Street. We need to insist on equal pay, equal recognition and equal consideration. We have the power to stop. Stop working. Stop shopping. Stop having sex. Stop talking smack about our girlfriends behind their backs. Stop participating. Stop being complicit. Stop teaching our daughters to play nice.
The women of Iceland stopped. In 2016, they went on strike. They refused to work, cook or care for their children for ONE DAY. And what did they achieve in just 24 hours? Wage equality. Icelandic companies now have to prove they aren’t paying women less than men for the same work. They believed in their power. They stood united. Their voices were heard. They didn’t ask permission.
Why can’t we follow their example? We have so many ways to connect with one another these days. Let’s give that connection a purpose. Let’s use it to stand united in our conviction. Let’s own our inherent value as human beings. Let’s support one another on this journey. Let’s play our own game and create our own rules. Let’s make sure luck isn’t the only thing that determines what happens to us. Let’s not forget.
My experiences are my own. A drop in the ocean. What happens when we combine our experiences? We are an unstoppable tidal wave of change.
Revolutions Start With Words.
Everyone knows about The Gender Pay Gap and yet, it (and the 4 other reasons on this list) still haven’t been addressed and resolved in any satisfactory way that demonstrates positive change.
It seems women just aren’t a priority, even with and for themselves. My theory is that not enough women understand the true consequences of these things in their own lives. So, let me spell it out. Earning less money equals a lower lifetime earning potential, even though women live longer. And money that isn’t earned can’t be saved, invested, accrue compound interest or leverage market gains. As women, we are literally bankrupting our future selves. And the only answer is to unite together to insist on equal rights that equitably compensate women for their efforts at work and at home.
1. The Gender Pay Gap
According to the National Women’s Law Center, women in the U.S. earn 82 cents for every dollar earned by men, even when they have the same education and experience and work full-time and year-round. It’s also important to note that The Gender Pay Gap has remained stable for the last 20 years.
2. Career Interruptions
Women take more time off from work than men due to pregnancy and caring for children and/or other family members. This work isn’t compensated and is still largely considered to be within the realm of womens’ “responsibilities” to their family and society in general. These career interruptions also limit and lower lifetime earning potential, while also making it difficult for women to advance their careers.
3. Limited Access To Funding + Support
Investors and lenders are more hesitant to invest in women-owned businesses. Women also have fewer opportunities to network and connect with other entrepreneurs. Both of these issues are primarily based on Reason #2 above, demonstrating that women have less opportunity overall.
4. Lack Of Access To High-Paying Jobs
Within certain industries, women have limited access to higher paying jobs due to gender bias and discrimination in the workplace. The Old Boy Network prevails.
5. Family Obligations
In having to balance the demands of work with family and caregiving responsibilities (in ways that men traditionally or typically don’t), women are placed in a position of having to do more while receiving less compensation, opportunity, advancement and recognition. It’s about time women were compensated for all of their efforts. It’s past time for women to advocate for themselves and insist on equality and equity. With both of those in place, we can use our unique leadership strengths to create financial opportunities, mentorship programs and support networks that serve us now and in the future.
What you know is always more powerful, present and actionable than what you believe. I know that’s a radical statement because I said it before in a group coaching program a few years ago where one of the participants got really really angry when I said it. And actually I hope she doesn’t get angry now that I’m telling the story, but when I said it, she said stop, I don’t believe that. What do you believe? I believe love can heal. Okay, so look at your language. Love can heal. That’s in the future, where you have no responsibility ,no accountability for actually making it happen. So, where do you see love in your own experience right now? The only way you can truly know it is by saying love heals me.
The word “equal” is often mistakenly interpreted as the “same.”
As women, we want equal rights, but that doesn’t mean we are the same as men. In fact, our biology and experiences have given us strengths and leadership styles that are substantially different from the male-driven norm. And that difference has been used as justification for why female leadership, and women in general, are minimized and under-valued in our society. With too few women in corporate management positions, it’s difficult to find successful models of female leadership. Often, getting to the top of the food chain means women have compromised themselves by disavowing their natural, inherent strengths. And for what? They’ve abandoned themselves (and other women) to adopt traditional, male-driven definitions of leadership in some misguided effort to “belong.” Hello Imposter Syndrome!
Authenticity is imperative. And self-knowledge is the key to showing up, standing out, playing by your own rules and making bank in ways that don’t require compromise. Female leaders (in truth rather than title) are typically considered outliers. And again, in our society where difference is used to minimize rather than elevate, it is our responsibility to view, claim and own our outlier position as one of our many strengths. Our difference gives us the opportunity to game the existing system to our advantage and make positive change from the inside and out.
We must value ourselves and model it for others so that we can never be minimized again. We must demonstrate the power of relationship-oriented female leadership versus the control-based, hierarchical definition of leadership that is prevalent in our society. We must insist on equity and equality.
These essential traits of female leadership are based on my experience in Corporate America and my brand + business coaching work with female executives, entrepreneurs and business owners, who are at the forefront of making positive change for us all.
1. Collaboration
Female leaders are more collaborative and team-oriented than their male colleagues. They focus on building consensus and embrace diverse perspectives.
2. Empathy
Women in leadership positions prioritize empathy and understanding, which also drives a dedication to building deeper relationships with colleagues and team members.
3. Inclusivity
Female leaders prioritize inclusivity and diversity, working to create a workplace culture that values and supports people from all backgrounds and identities.
4. Resilience
Female leaders in the U.S. lean into resilience when faced with external challenges and setbacks. They are aware of what they’re feeling. They use that awareness to quickly re-focus on what’s most important and bounce back with determination and grace.
5. Innovation
Women in leadership positions value innovation and creativity. That open-mindedness invites new ideas, as well as new approaches to, and opportunities for, problem-solving and decision-making. They don’t need to be “right” because they trust that the creative process will produce new, previously unimagined learning, insights and opportunities that will influence and inform what the desired outcome really is and how it can be achieved.
6. Communication
Women in leadership positions are strong communicators. They understand people use feelings, as much as rationale, when receiving and applying new information. They use a relationship-based communication style to convey their ideas and vision which increases connection and engagement.
7. Integrity
Female leaders demonstrate high levels of integrity and ethics by prioritizing honesty and transparency in all of their actions and decisions.
8. Purpose
Women in leadership positions are purpose-driven. They work to build a better future for their organizations and communities. And it is from that purpose, they create a clear vision for positive change, as well as their strategy for accomplishing it. That connection to purpose as a driving force, delivers the clarity of vision necessary for engaging others, deepening relationship and improving overall effectiveness.
Everyone experiences overwhelm. So, let me tell you what it really is. Overwhelm is created when there’s something we want to achieve or create or do and it feels huge, right?
There’s a lot of moving pieces, a lot of steps, so our inner critics throw us into a far-flung future and say “well, you should do it, you should have done it by now, what’s going on with you?” And you’re powerless in that future, right?
So, what I want you to do is come into this present moment where you are powerful. And all you have to do in this present moment is one tiny little baby step that’s going to put you on the path to creating that thing that you want.
So, remember this … every choice you make today creates the future you want tomorrow. Stay present.
So, I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone last night and you know, she’s made huge changes in her life. She moved to a different city. She started a new life. All this stuff ,which I really so much I admire. And I’m inspired by her every day. And I asked her about her relationship because she moved to a different city and now she’s in a new relationship. And she said. “oh. it’s over. It’s done. You know, he reeled me back in five times, but now it’s truly done.” So, in talking about the ending of this relationship, we actually started talking also about the beginning of the relationship. And something occurred to me that, you know, became crystal clear in this moment. And I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it. And that is, regardless men ,women, whoever, we end up staying in relationships too long. We know, you know, on some conscious level that it’s not serving us but we kind of settle until we’re ready to make a move or until we’re ready to end it. And there’s still some kind of attachment that’s keeping us there but there is actually an impact to staying too long. And that is when we allow, you know, behavior in a relationship that doesn’t serve us, that we don’t like. When we allow it too long, it becomes ingrained. It becomes normalized. You become used to it. And when you become used to it, you know, it’s still there. There’s still an echo that actually is more than just a memory. And then you’ve left. You’ve moved on. You’re in a new relationship. You’ve met someone new that you’re excited about. And one of the things that can happen is all that behavior that you didn’t like before can show up in the new relationship, but now, because it’s new and exciting, you have mistaken what feels familiar with connection. And you allow it because it’s familiar to you. And you’re actually misinterpreting it as connection. So, I want you to question what are you feeling. Feel what you feel, but then question what it means. What does it mean? What is really happening here? And don’t just settle on one meaning. Look at all the different possible meanings, so you are deciding for yourself. You are choosing to be in this relationship and you’re not letting old patterns reel you back in.
Life is a roller coaster and we are ALL on this ride.
Your choices create new experiences to teach you YOU.
So, what experience do you choose?
Are you in the roller coaster car way up front or at the one way in the back or somewhere in the middle?
Same ride, different experiences every time.
It’s thrilling to you and frightening to me. Or is it the other way around?
Let’s go again and find out.
Which roller coaster car are you choosing right now and what’s it teaching you today?
So, I’m going to say it again. What you know is always more powerful, present and actionable than what you believe.
And some people think of those two things as the same and they’re not. Knowledge … true knowledge … comes from your experiences, from your choices and what you learn from them. Whereas belief systems are just that, manufactured systems of control telling you you have no choice because there is only one right way. Everything else is wrong. There’s only one right way telling you what you should do, have to, can’t do.
And people buy into these belief systems because it offers an illusion of control, which is a proxy for safety. And this is the playground of our inner critics that also say there is only one way.That is the space of judgment, not discernment. Judgment … where we are judging others, judging ourselves. So, everyone in a belief system believes at a cost. They are giving up learning, evolution and growth because they think they already know.
And yet, in a space of judgment, they’re afraid all the time. and even within their own communities because they judge everyone else and themselves. They know that they are being judged all the time, which means there’s no true connection with other people or themselves.
So, I want you to understand that beliefs come at a cost. Your freedom of choice is one of those. Your trust in yourself is one of those. So, separate what you believe from what you actually know. Lean into what you know. That will always serve you.
Hard truth. People treat you the way YOU treat you.
So, if you aren’t treating yourself with respect, integrity or love no one else will … because that’s what you’re teaching them. They’re taking their cues from you.
n with over 10 years as a professional coach. And that means you have a choice. You have an opportunity. Be mindful. Be intentional. And see what that creates.
As women, it’s a RADICAL ACT to define and claim and own our value, our unique inherent value for ourselves.
Your life is too precious to settle for less.
So, let’s make a count.
So, before I became a coach, I was in Corporate America for 20+ years in business development. And I was a 1000% absolutely in a Fear-Stress Cycle, though I didn’t know it.
And if you’d said that to me at the time I probably would have laughed in your face and called it ridiculous, but I know it now, you know, especially because of the Neuroscience work that I’ve done to know that when you are trying to control anything outside of yourself … others, the environment, whatever, … you are looking for safety.
And it gives you an ILLUSION of safety that isn’t true. You can only control yourself.
Hi, so I have a little bit of a rant today. And I hope you indulge me because I just want to get it out there.
I live in New England, which means we have four seasons. Yay, but it means our summer is incredibly short and it’s meant to be cherished as long as it lasts.
So, I’m going on vacation. And I’m actually going with my former partner, since we’re re-negotiating and trying to re-design this relationship. And he had said to me, in talking about the vacation, that he didn’t think bikinis were sexy.
He thought one-piece swimsuits were the sexiest of all the swimsuits on women. And so, you know, a day later here, I’m on Amazon looking up one-piece swimsuits.
And I had to stop myself and say “what am I doing? What am I doing”? Uh, of everything in the swimsuit world, one-piece swimsuits for women are the most inconvenient, the most challenging and difficult because it’s really hard to pee in them! That’s why I don’t have them in the first place. I actually prefer the tankini because, you know, the baby bulge and all that, you know.
So, I was just like what am I doing? And I realized it was this knee-jerk reaction to “oh, you know, I want to be sexy” … but it wasn’t MY version of sexy. It was his. I’m not here to please him. That’s his job. It’s not mine. So, I did not purchase any one-piece swimsuits because it doesn’t matter what he thinks.
It only matters, you know, what I see in myself, you know, through the eyes of my inner wisdom, not my Inner Judge.And I just wanted to share that with you because we are all susceptible to these knee-jerk reactions telling us what we have to be, what we should be, especially in relationships.
So, really prioritize your relationship with yourself first and let that be your guide. That’s what I want for you.
You know you’re in a Fear-Stress Cycle when every situation, regardless of whether you consider it to be “good” or “bad” impacts how you show up in your world. And every situation only ever tells you variations on the same, central theme. You are not enough. You’ve done something wrong. No one likes you. This cycle is universal because it is baked into our biology. Your mind can’t distinguish between what is real and what is imagined. So, when we perceive threat (which in this day and age is typically future fear created from our imagination), our amygdala disrupts the just right balance of stress and stimulation necessary to fully access our pre-frontal cortex (our executive function) responsible for decision-making, problem-solving, exploring possibility, accessing short-term memory and having empathy. You don’t need any of those things when you are facing imminent threat, which is what your mind is telling your brain. You need to act. So, your brain floods your body with stress chemicals, like cortisol and adrenalin, to prepare for fight, flight, freeze or faint. And this now changes your perception of your reality because you are reacting, not responding. There is an urgent need to control the people and circumstances around you driven by a false, subconscious belief that it will give you safety. When you stay in that chemically-induced, reaction mode, you are caught in a Fear-Stress Cycle that changes your relationship with the world and with yourself. When you live there, it becomes your new normal negatively impacting your health and well-being across mind, body and spirit, your relationships and your life. It’s incredibly challenging to break out of The Fear-Stress Cycle on your own. So, use these tools and/or seek expert help.
1. Focus On The Present
Be fully engaged in what is right now. Be aware of what’s here. Register the information gained from your senses. Acknowledge and name what you’re feeling. Explore all the possibilities related to what your feelings could mean before choosing one to test. Be intentional in your action. What did you learn?
2. Let Go Of Expectation, Assumption And Projection
Don’t allow future expectation, assumption or projection to steal your focus, energy and power. Remember, worry is praying for what you don’t want. So, bring your awareness back to this present moment. The choices you make today create the future you want tomorrow.
3. Practice Non-Attachment
Accept whatever comes your way without trying to control or change it. You can only ever control yourself. Place your focus there and build your inner resilience.
4. Trust The Process
Have faith that with the right awareness and attention now, everything will work out in the future. Valuable learning is lost when you aren’t present in your experience.
5. Embrace Uncertainty
Accept that the only constant in life is change. While you can’t control your circumstances, you can control how you choose to be with it. And that control within yourself is the only way to truly gain the power and freedom you want.
6. Practice Gratitude
Be present with and appreciative of what you do have in this moment, rather than what you don’t. You create what you give your energy to, so keep a gratitude journal. Make using it a daily habit. It will keep you in the present and out of future fear.
7. Keep Things In Perspective
Remember, the journey, and what you learn along the way, is far more important than what might or might not happen in the future. Trust that your focused awareness, attention and intention will create a rewarding journey and valuable outcomes.
8. Be Led By Desire Not Fear
Your life, and the quality of it, is created from your choices. Those choices create new experiences to teach you something. And that new learning informs your next choice. You are change. You are iterating and evolving all the time. So, make choices based on what you want, rather than what you are afraid of, because your attention creates your present and informs your future.
Leadership is about a whole lot more than having a fancy title. What do you think it takes to be a great leader? Watch my brief video to gain insight into the #1 leadership skill you need to have (that no one is talking about).
As I discuss in this video, I was inspired by an interview with the CEO of Best Buy where he details his five key criteria for leadership. I absolutely agree with him on all five! His five critical signs of leadership include:
Be Purposeful
Be Clear About Your Role As A Leader
Be Clear About Who You Are Serving
Be Values-Driven
Be Authentic
These are incredibly important in our careers, but also our lives. And yet, the most important criteria I think he missed was to:
BE RESILIENT
Not being attached to specific outcomes allow you to experience what is in the present and make powerful choices. It also enables you to make powerful change in the moment, so when a choice isn’t serving you, you can quickly learn from it and move on. The corporate talks a big game about “failing fast” … I haven’t often seen it appreciated in my corporate career … but man, I truly value “failing fast” in my own business. Not being attached to the outcome allows me be in constant motion in my business and pivot when necessary. I also don’t invite the stress and pressure into my life of having to make something happen that is outside of my control.
Notice also that ALL of these criteria are focused on who you are BEING in your life. Leadership is NOT about what you DO … it’s about your mind-set … who you choose to be with yourself and others, based on your unique value system. If you don’t know what your values are … or who you authentically are without all of your self-limiting beliefs … then coaching is for YOU. I coach leadership because it is what matters most in living a purposeful, fulfilling life AND creating huge career success. Schedule your strategic consultation with me below to explore how coaching can move you forward into positive change!
All of our relationships are co-created … which mean they depend on the mutual energy and attention of both parties. So, when one person is temporarily checked out, there are consequences. Most people don’t even realize that they aren’t really showing up in their lives. They go through the motions … and as long as nothing bad happens, they assume that this is what life is all about. It isn’t. This is a numbing strategy that insulates us from experience in a way that has far-reaching consequences on every personal and professional relationship we have. So, think about YOUR life. Where are you not showing up? And why?
There’s reason they tell you on an airplane to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your children. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to help anyone else. So, who are you really helping in this situation? No one. You need to be in the driver’s seat of your life. For some, that kind of ownership feels like overwhelming responsibility. Well, if that is the case, I have a secret to tell you. You only get one life and you’ve always been in the driver’s seat. Choosing to let someone else decide where you go feels easier, but in the end, it will leave you stuck in an unfamiliar place that you never actively chose for yourself. So, take the wheel! Your fulfillment is all that matters in this world. If you are happy, then everyone around you, including your children, will be happy.
So, let go of what doesn’t serve you. Realize that divorce can be a gift to you and your family. If you keep looking backward, you can never see the world of possibility in front of you. Believe that you deserve far more in your life than settling for an unfulfilling marriage. Listen to your intuition. Believe it before you waste more of your life being unhappy. And accept that there are better things waiting for you.